The Barry Smythe Appreciation Society…
Would you really want to try and cheer this man up?
To be a member of this group is to be of the opinion that Barry Smythe is one of the most unique, interesting and gifted characters to walk planet Earth. His activities range from the extremes of fund raising charity tennis work in the local community to an in-depth obsession with Adolph Hitler.
Like a cow, Barry Smythe has four stomachs. He regularly consumes 3 evening meals and drinks until his blue nose glows in the dark. He chews Imodium like Jelly Beans, his organs are pickled and Doctors report that he hasn’t been to the toilet in 4 years. This man is truly incredible.
Barry’s Indian wife Rose, (Jason & Glen’s mum) divorced him after years of his systematic bowel abuse. In bed he would pass wind then trap her head under the blankets. Undeterred, Barry threw himself into his two young boys. He took them to Disney world before raising them on a diet of Tennis and fried chicken. To date, experts estimate that Barry Smythe has consumed over 25,000 Tesco economy chickens.
On the romance front, Barry endured a brief spell on Match.com. After several unsuccessful dates with a variety of local, post-menopausal parasites – or mature b*****s, as he calls them, Barry was eventually expelled for racial taunting. This clearly marks the complexity of a man who was once married to an Indian.
Like the man, Barry’s house doesn’t fail to impress either. A fusion of Anglo / Indian memorabilia and an aroma of fried chicken will greet you at the door of his grand, 3 bed Semi in North Cheam. The lounge has a single ‘well worn’ brown sofa and the walls are covered in photos of the boy’s and their friends. Christmas fairy lights are on display for 364 days of the year and only turned off on Christmas day. A floor to ceiling collection of 2nd world war documentaries complete the homes character.
Barry Smythe is a fiercely competitive animal. Any of you lucky enough to frequent the Esporta Club on Hannibal Way in Croydon on any given Sunday can’t possibly fail to notice the slow, portly, bald, red faced, puffy eyed, blue nosed, heavy breathing man, pounding balls left to right from inside the baseline on court 1. His gambling addicted mixed doubles partner, Lynn Watts, who used to put her complete trust in every move he made, got fed-up with him passing wind on court and eventually moved to Torrington in Devon. Her Dear John letter to him commented, “The air is cleaner here.”
It’s no secret too that Barry loves his tennis holidays and is a regular on Matt Henley’s famous trips. Other holiday goers report “a child like enthusiasm” rarely noted in a grown man as he strides confidently onto the newly laid clay courts at the Beach Club in Majorca. Barry is not afraid of the red stuff and has developed a sound game plan for all surfaces. In fact he has been known to serve an ace while eating a chicken leg.
Barry is currently undertaking the writing of a series of chilling short stories. These are geared around themes of infidelity, torture, kidnap and revenge. He’s recently signed to the ‘penguin’ label and his agent intends to publish the first in the series in Oct 2011. Barry writes these works of art from an old deck chair and mahogany desk in his back garden. The diversity of this man really is something special.
Barry’s 2 boys (Jason & Glen) represent the 2 extremes of Barry’s personality. Glen, the younger of the 2 at 31, is a loving, level headed husband with a six figure salary at a reputable City Swiss investment bank. Glen is a religious man who regularly donates to his several charities. Whilst Glen climb’s the corporate finance ladder, Jason, pushing 33, is commonly referred to as a ‘moral vacuum’. Jason is too intelligent for his own good and is undoubtedly the spawn of Barry’s darker side. Jason finds it difficult to hold down a relationship or take anything too seriously. He has an unhealthy fascination with animal cruelty and his closest friends have Jason saved in their phone books simply as ‘The Devil’
Barry’s only current nemesis appears to be his kidney stones. These pellets are formed from years of slurping down “Pinot Grigio” and gorging on “banoffee pie”. For most patients kidney stones are a terribly painful experience, however, Barry passes these through his japs-eye like they’re ‘water off a ducks back,’ or as one Doctor put it, “Like a baby dipped in Johnson’s oil slipping down a slide.”
For the reasons above and many more, I invite you all out there to join the ‘Barry Smythe Appreciation society’. Please check the board regularly for updates, blogs, news & competitions.
You have heard the myth, now it’s time we all learned a little more about this amazing man……
I just love Barry Smythe and how he has helped me and family in Botswana. His food parcels of fried chicken have made all the difference to us including his old tennis racquets. With his regular donations of money, we have built a statue in his honor in our little village square. God bless you Barry Bwana Jones Smythe…...