Forum : Test-Out-Your-Work : Is this okay?

Is this okay?

Posted 1 Year Ago

Okay so my book is a re-telling of Peter Pan. I wrote these couple of sentences and was a little unsure. Just wanted to know. Please be critical! Don't be nice! I know, it's a small amount, but hey, every bit matters.

 

The hot barrel had a streak of grim smoke rising from it. One less person was fighting on the ship. All eyes turned to Captain James, who clamped the great weapon with his grimy fingers. He leisurely blew the smoke’s trail into an eerie swirl. A thin grin formed on his lips.

 

 

 

Re: Is this okay?

Posted 11 Months Ago

I think the first line needs to be stronger to really hook the reader.
'cause I'm not hooked.