Lights in the Dark : Forum : A Mirror Darkly...


A Mirror Darkly...

2 Years Ago


 How we view ourselves and how others view us are often 180 degrees of each other. Often how we think others view us causes us to act in a way that, in the end, causes others to actually view us this way. A fitting example of this, given the site we're on, is in our writing.

 I've had a writing and world creating project that I've been working on since grade four. Through the years it's gone through hundreds of revisions. Sometimes it's as small as a change in the map, other times I just destroy the world and start over. I've destroyed the world so many times that the only thing left from the original are the name of the world and the name of the villain. Everything else has changed and will change until the world ends in oblivion because I never finish it. But why?

 It isn't because others think it needs it. In fact, people liked my older versions far more than my more recent versions. It isn't because the story requires it. I can never get past writing the first page anymore. At one point I had a couple chapters written. It's because I'm not happy with it. I'm never happy with it anymore. The world has become an obsession, a reflection of myself, the white whale.

 I always see something else I want to change. "Holes" that I need to fill. World history that HAS to be like our own history books. I've focused so much on making it "real" and "great" that I've forgotten how to make it fun. I don't even like creating in the world anymore because of how imperfect I see it. I see it as a chore. A forgotten circle of hell. But I can't stop.

 Like I said, it's become a reflection of myself. Because it was my first world I ever created, I identify it as myself. I'm never happy with myself, I'm never happy with my world. It's gotten to that point. It's not a writing world anymore. It's a representation of who I am, or who I want to be.

 *MID-POST DISCLAIMER: I have a slight disorganized thought disorder that seems to be flaring up right now, so I apologize if my post runs together or looks like multiple posts smashed into one.*

 I feel others sort of look down on me and pick me apart, whether they do or don't doesn't matter. So I look at ALL of my writings now and pick every detail apart. I often can't even enjoy writing anymore because I'm so worried about what others are going to think that I start to dislike what I'm writing. Dust(work in progress) is a good example. I was so excited when I started writing it that I came up with the world and characters in just a couple hours(usually I spend a week flushing everything out).

 But as my plotting process went further and further I started picking the world apart. "Well what about X? What if people think that's stupid. Man that's stupid, I should change it to Y. Well why Y? That doesn't make sense. How about Z? Z looks good. But Z is boring. Z is extremely boring. But it's logical. Screw it. I hate this story now. People would think it's too much like A or B anyway."

 That's how my thought process went. I went from love and excitement to hate and the delete button in 2 seconds flat. Why? Because I reflected my own self image off of other people.

 "But Jordan, what's the point of all this?" Well I'll tell you.

 EVERYONE has an image of themselves in their head. We all reflect that image off of others in our heads. It represents all of our greatest insecurities and flaws magnified to an almost depressing point. We see ourselves through a mirror darkly. A twisted and skewed version of ourselves. And if we let it get the best of us, it can ruin life. It saps the joy from everything. Writing, relationships, social interaction, the mirror doesn't care.

 "Well if that's true, then what do you suggest we do about it?" I can only give you an answer from my personal experience.

 Jump. Give no f#cks. Do everything from the heart, or if you're a guy do everything from the balls. Go all or nothing. I reached the point just before writing this that I don't care anymore. Things have to suck so you know how to make them better. It doesn't matter if you're writing is so bad that only children will read it. If that's the case, BE A CHILDREN'S WRITER. I can't spend my time writing trying to be the next big thing, have the least plot holes, the most realistic world, etc. I just have to write like Jordan. And maybe, just maybe, someone will like that. Maybe I'll even like it.

 So in conclusion, "Stay gold, Pony Boy."

Re: A Mirror Darkly...

2 Years Ago


This is very thoughtful and inspiring! Thank you, Kaiju! Everyone reading this, please take it to heart. This is part of what this whole group is about! Thank you again, Kaiju, for your helpful and excellent input.