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7 Years Ago


I hate you Ashley. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. You broke me to the point where my emotional pain became physical. I was on the verge of death because of you. Scratch that, I wasn't there anymore.. I say I don't hate you, but I do. I could have such a better life with you breaking me like that. I was just a body back then, there was no "me". I cried myself to sleep every night, I stopped eating, and I wanted to die. You broke me. Physically and emotionally. You're much much worse. I feel pathetic because you left me, and you're moving away now. You abandoned me. I can't save you, and I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. But if I keep chasing you, I'll lose myself. You won't let me in to help, what am I to say? 

Let me explain: I'm copying and pasting, so if it sounds weird, yeah: I've come out of a depressing void that one person caused me to be in, for a year. The girl, she broke me. I was a broken shell of myself. I wasn't THERE anymore. It was just my body. I, as in ME, I was dead. I wasn't coming back. For a year, I would cry myself to sleep, I wouldn't talk or eat. I would just lay there, emotionless and broken. Everyone says they wish they're numb, but you don't want to be. Do you know how it feels to KNOW that you wouldn't care if your friends died and the love of your life was shot? It's horrible. Everything was dark, nothing good. I was broken. I wasn't there. And I don't want anyone to feel that pain. I was on the verge of death. When emotional pain can finally become physical.. That's where you break. Most people get in the littlest bit of that state because of heart break. I wasn't even with the girl. I loved her and she lied to me. She said she was straight... I don't talk to anyone about this. I finally healed this year, in fact. She was my best friend.... I was stupid enough to try talking to the chick again. She warned me, and I still opened myself up. She told me she didn't need me and didn't care I was there for me. All she did was contradict herself. She said nobody was there for her and then when people try to help, she'd shove them away. I was always there for her. At the end of the line, when everyone else left.. I was still there. I always was. And she broke me again. See, you're still in your void. You just have to push out of it. Focus on only getting out of the void. Doing it outside may be better, because the moon will shine down. But there's different stages of getting out. Trust me, it's easier than you think. It's still hard as F**K, but it's easier than you think to get out. It's not impossible. You think you can't fight one more battle? Just do it. You think you can't fight one more battle? Fight just one more.. With yourself. You are your biggest enemy, and if you can't win against yourself, you can't win against anybody. You can't help that girl if you can't help yourself. If you can't help yourself and get out of this, then your just dead weight. So push. Fight one more, with yourself. Don't let it win, if it does.. You, lose. I did die. Emotionally. And I didn't care. I didn't care what could happen to me, I just wanted it to end. Just fight back.

Just please, stop it Ashley. Stop killing me. I can't even say your name without feeling that void of pain again.. That void..... Stop it. Just leave already. I know you're going to kill yourself, and I feel like throwing up knowing that you're beautiful face will be pale and dead. I know you're pain.. Just let me in. Let me save you. Please.. I can't stand to see you like this... Don't do it, Ashley.