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Alright lets kick things off shall we!

5 Years Ago


I'm new to this group so I'll throw in my hat and see if I can get few laughs from you...three people...f**k...Oh well lets do this!

So there I am smoking away my life, arguing with my computer for the hundredth time that day. When I hear this screech out of nowhere, "ERRIICCCC! Come HERE!!!" she's always calling me from her bed, she never leaves that damn bed, and why would she? Tempur-pedic bed, 80' flat screen, laptop, kindle, cupcakes, forty mini fans blowing all on her. 

F*****g luxury with hint of fire just waiting rear it's ugly head out without warning. Garbage, and crap piled up left and right by her bedside. If you have something or someone you want to disappear?? I suggest taking it to her bedside and never worry about it again!I ignore her, 

I don't have time for one of her random conversations today. I love Mk, but sometimes, kill me, or kill her, but never together.

"ERIC! COME! HERE!" 

F**k me.

"Yes, MK?" Please ask me something simple, a request to make sandwich, feed the dogs, go shopping without her tagging along. Please MK please, please ask me something normal.

"ERIC!!!" unaware I'm now standing in her room.

"Right here!" 

"Oh good, Eric did you know that mustard doesn't spoil if it out the fridge?"

I need a moment, sorry...I'm drawing blank now.

"Mustard?" "What about mustard?" still confused

"Did you know mustard doesn't spoil if...you...leave...it...out...of....the...RE..FRIDGE...RA...Tor!" always smart a*s this one.

"That's awesome??" "Why did you need to tell this MK?" 

She stares off into her laptop, ignoring me and everything again. Typical MK. I'm not surprised, she's always in her own little world.

Reminds me of this one time we once ventured to store together, a f*****g nightmare that was. Waiting in line at the checkout, four people a head of us. She gets on her phone and starts talking to her friend (I presume...) She is loud, always talking louder than the store announcements.

Shoppers everywhere, some of them actually know me. MK chatting away, "Oh I threw my back out again, and the pain was so unbearable" "Yes, I have some, but my son gave me some weed!" "What!? No!" "POT! MY SON GAVE ME SOME MARIJUANA FOR THE PAIN!" "Yes, pot!" The shoppers are snickering under their breaths. She doesn't care.

"Oh it was fantastic, I was so high! My husband's cooking is terrible, but that day it was Heaven!" "It took me thirty minutes to leave my son's room because I was so high, but the food...OH MY GOD!" First time pot smoker ladies and gentle men.

"Yeah it really works, you should try some yourself!"

MK turns to me, "Hey Eric do you know if Jake still sells pot out of his room?" asking me question that should never be asked in public, especially in state where it's still very illegal to have any kind of marijuana. I always have to ask myself every time, "Why do I help this woman!?" 

"I don't think..." she cuts me off, "You know what I'll give you his phone number, get pen and write it down!" she announces to the entire store, like she's about to read off the winning raffle ticket that'll land us all in jail. 

"MK, text her!" but she ignores me, f**k.

"Ok ITS JAKE Mezzola, that's M E Z Z O L A, his number is *** *** 3467!" "Again that's Jake Mezzola, ***-***-3467!" "Yes he is my son and he sell pot out of his room!" 

Shoppers, the cashier, are all snickering, and eyeing me, I want to strangle her, but I'm laughing too. 

"Hey MK she gonna need his social security number to!" I tell her, "Oh you think!?" "Okay Hey Eric says you need is social security number too!" I'm joking, please tell me she's joking!?

"What, you think Eric is messing with me!?" she glares at me, and mutters "You little s**t."

"Hey that's what you get, when you announce your son is drug dealer to everyone in the store!" I laugh at her."Oh shut up, I'm on my phone no one can hear us talking!" she pouts at me. 

She actually thinks that's true, she thinks no one can hear her talk on her phone. Like her voice suddenly became static and any eavesdroppers only heard white noise.

Yeah it's never a dull moment with MK. I started caring for MK and her family because my best friend asked me to help out at his house. And I needed a place to crash and smoke after work. Plus the rent is free so that's nice touch. 

No it wasn't surprise that MK called me into her room to tell me something so random, and useless about mustard. 

I wasn't expecting much from her as usual. 

I was about to leave the room, when MK suddenly remembered I was in the room still. 

F**k.

"Oh sweetie can you do me a favor?" "Can you take this mustard down stairs and put it away." She reaches under her pillow and grabs a bottle of honey mustard from under it...Seriously???

I'm normally not fazed by her antics anymore, but sometimes...

"Why was there mustard under your pillow MK!?" I had to know, what possible reasons could there be for mustard to be under her pillow!? 

She looks at me like I'm lost child in a store, holding out the mustard to me.

"Oh I used this last night and forgot about it." "So I got really high and remembered I still had it in my room!" 

Ok this is all starting to make more sense now.

"And the whole spoil mustard???" I had to ask her, I just had to

"Well I'm high right now sweetie" 

No s**t.

"I needed to know if mustard spoils if its out of fridge for too long. So I've been researching mustard on the the internet for the last two hours now."

"Right, that makes sense?" It didn't at all.

"Ok well if you need anything else." I tell her, she already floating back to her little world again.

five minutes I will never get back.
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I'll give it a shot too

2 Years Ago


To brighten up the cosiness of his apartment, Phil had done some research. A pet would be a good companion, he had read, but he was opposed to the responsibility this would entail. That’s why he had applied for a visa gold card he named Freddy. Who had a round fishbowl from the aquarium shop with purple pebbles, plastic seaweed and a small shipwreck at the bottom. Freddy didn’t need to be fed, and he didn’t even mind if Phil forgot his weekly water change. At first he floated on the water but because of the morbid view Phil had chained him to a tiny anchor so that he now happily swam around by the flow of the air pump. Phil was very fond of Freddy who, just like a real goldfish, didn’t made rudely misplaced comments. Of course, he had first wrote the bank asking whether Freddy could not drown, but had only received a reply stating that the card had been plasticized and therefore water resistant. The bank was so insensitive he thought. ... ... (This is part of an unusual soap. Like it ? Then checkout for the whole story)