Teens: We Can Do It! Forum Share your writing!

Austin	Share your writing! 14 Years Ago I want to see your writing. Put it here. Here is the first chapter of a book that I am currently writing called Billy Black and the Cavernous Cave. There once was a boy named Billy Black who lived on Hickory Lane in old Dorset, Ohio. Now, most kids I knew who lived on Hickory Lane hated it. They kept saying the whole street was infested with horrible neighbors. Billy was one of those kids. He lived with his mother, father, and grandmother. His mother was old Brianna Black, and his father was Bernard Black. Now, they just bullied him as much as anyone else, but his grandmother thought that they were too hard on him, and she was the only one that stood up for him at all. She was his dad's mother, and she was old Becky Black. Now, Dorset was right in the country, and he went to a school that he just hated. It was called Pennywise Valley Middle School. Now, at Pennywise, there was just nobody that was nice. Even all of the teachers were mean. People just didn't like him. He was 13 years old, 6 feet tall (taller than a lot of other 13 year olds, even taller than some of the teachers), had dark brown hair, brown eyes, and always wore glasses. He had some friends, though. He had Eric Kettle, Drew Wonder, and Elizabeth Williams. All of them had been best friends for as long as they could remember. There were a lot of bullies in that school, as I said before, but one bully was the worst of them all. Andrew Smith was a horrible kid. He got all F's in his classes, he was always mean to everybody, but people still liked him. I can't imagine why. The one kid he picked on the most was Billy Black. * Billy got home from school on that September afternoon. Today was the first day of school for him. He always hated going back to school. Every year, usually on the first day, (as tradition) the bullies always gave the little kids swirlies. It wasn't the only time of the year, but it was the best for them. As Billy walked through the back door and into the kitchen, he heard his mother call. "Billy, is that you? Don't you dare track mud on that carpet!." Billy said, "Yes, ma'am.", and took his shoes off. He then ran up to his room, and locked the door as he always did. He would work on his dumb old homework in there, (today was Algebra I), and just stay in there until he was called down for dinner. He was stuck on a couple of problems, but he knew that his mother wouldn't help him. His father wouldn't be off work until dinner, and his grandmother was at bingo. His father definently wouldn't help him, and his grandmother wouldn't know what to do. So, he just packed it all back in his backpack, and hoped that his teacher wouldn't yell too much. He then layed in bed, looking up at the ceiling, and around his room. His room wasn't much, but it was good enough. There was a couple of posters of the Cleveland Browns, and a dresser for his clothes. No computer or TV like all the other kids had. His mother said, "You don't need that in your bedroom, watching television and staying up all night on the computer!." At 5:30, he heard his dad pull in, and his mother yelled to him, "Your father's home! Come downstairs, and get ready for dinner!." He called back down, saying, "Yes, ma'am!," like he always did. He ran downstairs, and washed his hands. His mother was tending to the final touches of the meal. She was pretty mean, but when you saw her cook, it was like magic. She made a beautiful ham, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, biscuits (not rolls), green beans, corn bread, and broccoli. It was like Thanksgiving. When everyone was all settled in, (Dad got grandma from bingo) they all ate to a delicious feast. When everyone stuffed themselves, the manditory thing to do after dinner was to play some sort of board game, usually chess. Tonight, it was checkers. He stunk at checkers. Every time he moved, someone would jump him. By 9:00, he had lost 4 games and won 1. It was time for bed then. He got his pajamas on, and tucked himself into bed. He stayed awake for quite a while, and finally at 11:00, he fell asleep. He got up the next day, getting ready for school. He was sure that he would have another horrible day, but at least he got some time to spend with his friends. When he got on the bus, there was Eric Kettle, gesturing Billy to sit with him. "So, how have you been doing?." asked Eric. "I've been better." "Have you heard from Liz lately?." "No." "She better not have moved." "Yeah." Elizabeth wasn't at school yesterday, and neither of them had heard from her over the summer. We had gotten this strange feeling that something was wrong. We got to school, and walked into our homeroom. Our teacher, Mr. Savor, was standing there, writing today's math problems on the blackboard. When the bell rang for 1st period, we gathered our things and headed out to Mrs. Hunch's class. Unfortunately, we were stopped by none other than Andrew Smith. "Hey, jerkwad." he said, snickering. "Hey, Andrew." I replied back, not looking up at him. "What are you looking at, four eyes?" he said to Eric, who was looking straight at him through his glasses. "Something ugly." he said. This was not a smart move, especially with Andrew. "Oh yeah, well how about a little swirlie?." he said. "Not now, Andrew." I don't know why Eric was talking like this, but it was definently not a smart move. "Oh yeah? We're going to the restroom." Andrew grabbed Eric by the scruff, and I just stood there. I don't know why, but my mouth wouldn't open and my feet were glued to the ground. They went to the restroom, with Eric struggling to get free all the way there. After Andrew had given Eric a full swirlie, he didn't speak again for the rest of the day. We made it through the first half of the day without any interruptions, (I didn't get that math homework done, so I got yelled at for that), and at noon, we had lunch. Eric, me, and Drew were sitting together, not talking much. We couldn't go outside for recess because it was raining, so our only other option was to go in the gym. We got a basketball, and at least tried to shoot some hoops, (we really stink at basketball) and just try to have something of a good time. The bell rung, and it was time to go to history with Mr. Dubey for 6th period. This was probably the only teacher that didn't totally hate me. I had 2 periods in a row with him for some reason that year, (History and Reading) and gym was 8th period with Mrs. Nemesis. We played dodgeball that day, and was only in the game for about 5 seconds. After I got off the bus and back home, my parents had an important announcement to make. "Son, I don't know how to tell you this, but your mother and I are temporarily going to be apart." my father said. Frankly, I wasn't that surprised. I just can't believe it lasted this long. Their marriage had been on the rocks for quite a while now, and apparently something hit the iceberg. I was staying with my mother here in Dorset, and my father was going up to New York City for some reason. Grandma was going to stay with us, so the only difference would be Dad wasn't going to be here. Dad would be out in the morning, and Grandma was home sleeping in the upstairs guest room. I went up to my room and just layed on my bed, and stared up at the ceiling. * Dad left early next morning, and Mom and Grandma were standing in the doorway. I said goodbye, and he just looked back at me and left. That day at school, I was feeling very melancholy, not because of my parents' divorce, but because everything was going to change now. Nobody has heard from Elizabeth yet, and people are just saying that she moved somewhere because her dad got a new job, and they had to get closer to it. Somehow, I just knew in my gut that something was wrong. Days went by, months went by. I heard from my dad only twice, and Elizabeth wasn't in school at all. It was about the beginning of the new year that I got my first clue of what was actually going on. One cold January day, my teacher, Mrs. Papika, was talking about the caves up in old Dorset. She said that anyone who had ever gone in those caves, never came out. Andrew was sitting in the back, snickering with his buddies. After class, Eric and I were going to head out to 6th period, but Andrew stopped us. "Hey, dorks." he said. "What do you want, Andrew?." I asked, annoyed. "You, shut up! I'll tell you what I want. I want to make a dare." "What? You're crazy!." said Eric. "You better quit, four-eyes! Now, if you morons would listen to me, I'll explain the dare. You heard about what Mrs. P. said about those caves up town." "Yeah?" I said. "Well, she said anybody who went in there, never made it out. So, here it is. You go in there, and stay there for one night and come back out, I'll never bully you again." "No-." I said, but was cut off by Eric. "All right. You're on!." yelled Eric. "What are you doing?." I asked him. "It's no bullying ever again, if we go in a stupid cave for one night." he said. "No! Count me out!." I yelled. "Oh, come on! What are ya, chicken?." asked Andrew. He started making chicken sounds. "Ok. I'll do it. But I'll regret it." "Good. How about next Saturday night? At about 8:00." "All right. We'll be there!." said Eric. "All right. Later, losers!." said Andrew, and he walked away. We went to our next class. We didn't say a word to each other for the rest of the day. When I got home, I went straight to my room, and thought about all of the possible things that could be in those caves. Tuesday and Wednesday flew by. Thursday was very slow. We took tests all day because of some dumb old state examination thing. The day before the caves, all I could think about was Elizabeth. I knew that she hadn't moved, because if she had she would have called me at least. I always thought that we might end up together. I can always invision her long brown hair, her big green eyes, her great figure, and she always wore glasses like Eric. When I got home that evening, something was wrong with everyone. Grandma was rocking in her rocking chair, very quietly. Mom was slicing green peppers very nervously. "What's wrong with everyone?." I asked. They both just continued doing what they were doing, thinking that I wasn't even there. "Hey!." I yelled. That broke them out of their trance. "What?!." my mother yelled. "What's wrong with you guys?." I said again. "Nothing. We're fine." my mother said. "No, we're not." said my grandmother. "Hey!-." yelled Mom, but Grandma cut her off. "You have a right to know. Your father was in an accident, and-." She stopped. "He didn't make it." finished my mother. I just stood there, feeling like time had just froze. Then I went up to my room. I didn't cry up there, I was thinking. How could my father be in an accident? I don't know what happened.
Kaiko	[no subject] 14 Years Ago I liked your writing so far, but I think that towards the end, if you had added in more detail about Billy's mother and grandmother acting strange, and make it, I don't know, longer(?) that it might cause suspense. And I will put my most recent writing in the writing section, because I don't feel like copying and pasting.
Austin	[no subject] 14 Years Ago Good idea, Kaiko.
kiki756	[no subject] 14 Years Ago Overall it was written quite well, especially for a fourteen year old! There was just some grammar mistakes such as "Now, Dorset was right in the country, and he went to a school that he just hated." should be something more like "Dorset was in the middle of the country, and Billy went to a school that he absolutely hated". Because in that sentence it saying that Dorset went to a school he hated, not Billy. I think it starts of a little slow, try to take any unnecassary information out, and maybe start it off with a little more excitement, or something more interesting, because listing the main character, where they're from, etc. can get a bit boring to read. Please don't take it the wrong way, I'm just trying to help you out. :] I really love the title, and the fact that all the Black's names begin with a "b". I've always like shows/books where the member's of the family have something in common with their names. So, I guess I'll also post the first chapter of my book here as well. Here it goes! Pulling the old tattered book down from the rickety shelves, Leah let out a deep sigh. She blew the dust off the leather-bound cover, squinting in the candlelight to read the title. Satisfied that she had finally found the correct book she hopped off of the ladder and made her way over to a table and set the book on it with a loud “thump”. It was hard to imagine that just a few weeks ago everything was, from what she had known at the time, normal. Half of what she knew now she would have dismissed and cast aside as utter nonsense. Seeing as to most sane people - it was. Last month she would never have imagined getting out some adder’s tongue from the pantry for her mother to use. It would have been odd. Very odd, seeing as the only thing her mother could cook was macaroni and cheese, and even then, only with some much needed assistance. And besides that, she wouldn’t have known what adder’s tongue was, let alone that it was actually a plant (or it could be the tongue of a snake, depending on the potion). The thought of anything concerning magic would have been completely ridiculous before. Magic was for kids. It belonged in stories for children – or for David Copperfield – not in her life. But now, the realization of the world around her was feeling more and more natural as time passed. She wasn’t quite used to it yet, but she assumed she would be in time. Sure, sharing a room with a mountain troll wasn’t the greatest experience of her life, but it was still something to experience. It had its ups and downs. Well, mostly downs. No one would want to share living quarters with a troll. They tend to carry a pungent odor that smells a bit like waffles combined with a three-month-old carton of Kung Pao chicken. But that’s how things were now, and there was no escaping that. It’s not everyday that you find out that you’re actually an ancestral witch and that your uncle is really a merman (Leah’s Grandma once had a very wild night in Costa Rica). But Leah had accepted it all – eventually. Naturally it would take some getting used to. Just a little bit. Leah absently flipped through the musty pages of the book, searching what it was she needed. It was important that she find it before it was too late.
Kaiko	[no subject] 14 Years Ago Like it! It leaves me very curious, and that's awesome. It doesn't start off boring, (like I tend to) and that's nice for a change. I'm so sick of over-detailed stories. It's why I got out of reading for a while. Overall, I would love to read more, just from that little bit.
kiki756	[no subject] 14 Years Ago Thanks! I have more of it up, and I'm planning on updating as much as possible. And yeah, overly detailed stories tend to get too tedious to read. Reading should be something that you like to do, not a chore. xD So I tend to keep it simple, and instead of describing things I keep it flowing with dialogue and events, rather than describing everything in detail.
Austin	[no subject] 14 Years Ago Very good writing, Josh. Also, thank you for the tips on my story.
L.A.	Re: Share your writing! 13 Years Ago Okay so I looked through my things and decided I liked this the best. It's a story--actually more like a paragraph--summarizing a scene from one of my friends' birthday parties. There's something indescribably amazing about sitting on the front porch steps of your bff's house, wearing short-shorts and casually sipping on your 2nd--or was it 3rd?--can of Mountain Dew, with your bff to your right, and to her right is your former crush from 5th grade--who you still kind of like, but he likes your best friend now. Next to him is your bff's old ex with his best friend. The two of them are goofing off with their cake and ice cream and are messing around with some small, flimsy, rubber basketballs. To your left is some grass--the greenest you'll ever see in your life--and then a small kiddy mini-playground with a slide attached. Perched on top of the slide is one of your other best friends, and next to her is a very good friend of your bff. The two of them are sharing an iPod touch, with only one hot pink earbud in one ear per person. After them, there's a group of three girls--acquaintances from school--who are tickling each other and knocking over their cans of Mountain Dew and Rootbeer and giggling. There's also two girls missing--you know they're inside--but at the moment, their names have slipped your mind. There's a soft night breeze blowing your hair back, and it feels perfect after a hot hour or two in the sun.