Sally Smuckers

My compassion for you outweighs the fading anger. I don't get as angry anymore, the more and more I see and understand. I'm not going to lash out at you here. I just want you to know, we are nowhere near ready or able to partake in a relationship, and to keep toying with it online is sabotage, not unlike what you attempted to do to me on your site. You think me to be so naive.
The big picture is: we are not on the same side. You still see me as a threat, an opponent, an enemy, a toy. Loving words can't cover up what's really in a person's heart. It's no fault of yours or mine, it just is. We're different. You are against me.
I don't have a problem with that. Everything about you is your business and not mine. I just don't see how you could try to attract me under those conditions. I would never try to lure a person to myself who I thought was on a different path, or maybe even the same beliefs, but if he simply didn't like me- for whatever reason- I wouldn't bother. This is what's so confusing about you. It makes me wonder what on earth are you looking for?
In your life, do you want a true partner? Don't spend any more thoughts on me then. We can't be true partners if we're not on the same team. This is not about beliefs. This is about me sensing the anger that still remains inside of you, that comes out at me. The bitterness, the hatred. The sarcasm and the accusations. You sneer at my every move. Oh, you don't, you say? Where has the support been? All I've seen is ridicule.
Again- that's your business- but you need to lay it all down. You are nowhere near being ready for a relationship. You see it all as a game, still. You STILL see it as a game, this is what concerns me.

It occured to me yesterday, it's baffling how you've treated me, and it would have been bad enough, even if my life were wonderful. But the hillarious thing here is, you know the state of affairs for me currently, and this doesn't change a thing. I sometimes get the feeling that you secretly like the fact that I'm down.

You're against me, sweetheart. This is a fact. Words are paper-thin with you. But at the same time, I'm not putting you down. I'm understanding you more. You are not able, for whatever reason, to truly look past yourself right now. And if I remember correctly this is normal and expected for several years after a divorce. So really you're right where you need to be.
I don't know why you see me as a threat. I don't appreciate being treated as one. I don't appreciate the blocking of me when I was attempting to send little gifts after reading your poem. It's little things like these that make me realize, you can't receive OR give, in reality.
I care about you so much. But you are a lost cause. For me to have been standing right in front of you, all this time, and still I'm treated like this, I would be a fool to look any further into this. I won't lie and play like I hate you. I don't.
I like your site. I'm glad I experimented with it for real and saw how fun it really is. Thanks for only some slight, friendly harassment and nothing drastic. I appreciate that.
I see what I needed to be shown.
We both need to lay this down. We both know this but we keep picking it back up because we are lonely, bored people who suffer from infatuation that's based on childish games. We both need to get a life. Or, I do. You have a good life, right where you're at.
maybe I should also point this out, seeing as how you need things spelled out to you- everything I said above has translated into a great deal of hurt for me. I think you keep going because you don't believe me. There's no way you would carry on like this if you truly understood what all this has done to me. The only explanation is your lack of belief- which leads me to another question I have about you-

and this is just a thought-
do I represent something to you that may have hurt you in your past? Do you see me as one of those popular pretty girls that might have called you a name in the third grade? How do you view me?
I wonder about this. I think that all along, you've seen me as some kind of stereotype, and over time, by learning and understanding more about me, you've been like.. "oh"...
I think you see me as something I'm not, and never have been. Maybe you should re-read some of the things I wrote, but this time not with the mind of a cynic but as an open friend. I'm saying this for you and not me. I can't care what people think of me, I'd be dead if I let it get to me. I'm probably ridiculed behind my back more than anybody you've ever known.

I am moving away from all this.

What you need: space and time. You are a prime hunk of man and you are gonna be just fine.

What I need: healing in my body and to meet Mr. No Effort. You need to meet him too. The female version. They do exist. And they come in all varieties and flavors and they are good people. It's called: People You Get Along With And Support And Love. We both need it, in time.