Anorexia-Nervosa

Eat.

They make me fat in front of every image stained mirror.

Fast.

It makes my stomach hurt, but that’s okay because if I stay fat the pain will hurt more.

I remind myself to eat but my body isn’t hungry, and every time I stick something down my scream shut throat I get sick to my head, because I’ve forgotten how to enjoy a good cooked meal.

She gets mad at my empty plate every night, but I can’t eat when they tell me otherwise, because their screams are louder, their anger lashing out at me with the force of a thousand Spartans on the day they call war screaming, you’re fat.

And the next day I’ll have to cover my stomach while it eats itself away, muscles contracting, skin belly flopping, fat absorbing, until it washes all away.

They let me know their opinion every second of every day, practically screaming in my face, spit flying like the high wire to the hairs sticking up on my skin, washing away into my stream of thoughts that no longer separate right from wrong.

I don’t care if you lost five pounds this week, you’re still fat, keep going.

I don’t care if you only had an apple today, that’s 60 calories, too many, keep going.

They’ve made a calorie counter out of me.

And every day she asks me at dinner if something is wrong and I say no nothing’s wrong because nothing is wrong.

And I sit and continue thinking about my stomach pains as little men sticking me on the inside with their pointed feet, hungry, like malnutrition is making bodies now.

But sometimes you stop eating for a while, and then you forget what it’s like to be hungry.

All the little men have become too tired to run amongst your stomach, and every time you send them energy, they reject it, because their way of life has changed.

Just like mine.

I didn’t eat for three days so I’d look lovely for you.

But you left anyways, and I don’t even know who you are.

But you all tell me the same thing.

Anorexia nervosa: an eating disorder characterized by refusal to maintain a healthy body weight, and an obsessive fear of gaining weight due to a distorted self image.

A mental disorder that does not apply to me because I’m not mental.

And every day during session you ask me if anything is wrong and I say no nothing’s wrong because nothing is wrong.

 

 

Reviews

[qaralynn]

great write!