Quivers & Tremors

ehhh. Another poem from scratch. I'm a little hesitant on it.

A body so familiar

Began to tremble,

Creating vibrations

In sync with mine;

A call and response.

 

For the first few years

I felt alone,

Until another came

Tumbling through;

A hero in disguise.

 

He grew to feel

The quivers

And tremors

I held inside;

A reader.

 

Carrying away

That pain I felt,

Inside a heart so strong,

Wiping away my agony;

A heart's knight.

 

Author's Note

Critique to your heart's content.

Reviews

[robin]

I really like the third stanza. The notion that someone is a reader has many metaphorical ironies here don't you think? Also that a man is a reader is believable, but men are notorious poor listeners, and in this case he is a reader of a woman (not likely or very rare). It's a great springboard. I'd love to see what you'd write if you started a new poem with that stanza.
The call answer etc. works and the structure of ending with the definitive clause that captures each stanza works. Somehow it is too logical overall. You tell me everything and use descriptive words but something is too technical about it. I fall into the 3rd and the 4th is saved by the rearrangement of knight and heart. If the last line ended in "knight's heart" can you feel how the poem is too orderly/dry? The third stanza has the art.
I guess the tumbling is good, as though a lover is like a dried tumbleweed, and this man was not dry.

[Travis Lawrence]

Well then, I'll tell you what I think, line by line...

"A body so familiar
Began to tremble,
Creating vibrations
In sync with mine;
A call and response."
-- This could mean many things but sexual tones stand out in my mind, the motion of two people (gently).

"For the first few years
I felt alone,
Until another came
Tumbling through;
A hero in disguise."
-- Still waiting, but this is how it happens, I hear. A nice setup for the rest, though. A possible revision (with suggestions) to try on for size: "Until a (adjective) hero / tumbled through (noun...where did he tumble through? give us a more concrete image) / in a (adjective) disguise." If you can't tell, I like using adjectives and adverbs, and I'm not a big fan of "ing" unless it's playing off a rhyme or helps the sound. I think verbs are stronger without them.

"He grew to feel
The quivers
And tremors
I held inside;
A reader."
-- I think of you as a book, I believe that's what you are going for. The last line makes this stanza really good.

"Carrying away
That pain I felt,
Inside a heart so strong,
Wiping away my agony;
A heart's knight."
-- Again, not a fan of the ing's but here it works better, so I'd keep it. I think this stanza needs spicier diction. "Pain" and "felt" and "heart" and "strong" are all rather cliche, and though I don't want to deter you from using them, I think when they are all used together, so close to one another, it weakens your intent. Never underestimate the value of a thesaurus ;-)

Honestly pretty good, though I see room for improvement. Thanks for sharing!

-Travis

[Clarisse Nanoit]

The last line is perfection for closure on this poem. It says so much. The whole poem just speaks of redemption through a stranger's eyes. It actually reminds me of a few lines from my favorite Ellen Hopkins book, BURNED:

"'The first time I saw you--the grocery
store that day--there was something
about you. Something sad, deep down sad...

But there was also a touch of redemption.
I wondered how the two could coexist
in the same soul. I was so sad myself...'"

Anyway, now that I've bored you with something that may not make sense out of context, you should know that I adore this and its centered style. It's enticing to the eye and to the mind!!
KH