I peeled off the picture on the wall. It was a great picture, really. A picture of me and my best friends from grade six. My sunshine blonde hair seemed to float on my shoulders, and my friends on either side of me had wide smiles and twinkling eyes. Around each one of our necks was a necklace, parts of a puzzle. As three friends, there were three parts. All the necklace charms put together said: Best Friends Forever. I had the word "Friends" draped over my otherwise bare neck. I reached up behind my neck, as the photo fluttered onto the ground, and unclasped the same necklace for the first time since I'd put it on. I let the symbol of friendship drop from my hands. I had long learned that a charm around your neck doesn't make a friendship last forever.
Looking around my pale pink walls, I noticed so many other memories, most of which were long gone. One by one I tore them off the walls. Those smiling faces, those good times, they were gone now. Throwing my past in a trash can outside my door, I looked at the bare walls and flinched. They were never this empty before. My room was never this empty before.
No snow white bed, no cluttered dresser, my room contained only carpet and wall. Everything was gone. All the old memories. The gifts I got for Christmas, class photos, drawings, hair accessories, books, piano music, stuffed animals, and not-so-useless clutter were now all gone. I almost started to miss all of it. Shaking the empty feeling out, I blew my bangs back. I remember one of my friends forever commenting on how they got in my eyes. No, I thought to myself. I couldn't start thinking of old friends, they were old. They were gone. Everything, as simple as blowing my bangs back, reminded me of friends that most likely didn't remember me. I sighed and let myself fall on the floor. Leaning against the wall, I checked my watch. 8:43 pm. The guys who were bringing in my new bed, nightstand, and dresser were expected in another hour.
I went to the kitchen and fixed myself the classic peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I bit into it and let my thoughts wander. I shouldn't have. They wandered to a certian friend who loved peanut butter but couldn't have it in the house because her brother was allergic. She always used to have peanut butter when she came over to my house. Another of my friends had to have peanut butter smothered on his long-ish hair when a wad of gum had gotten tangled. I giggled at the memories and choked on the sandwich. I shook myself out of it. Swallowing the bite I swallowed, I lost my appetite. I put the pb&j down and walked into the bathroom.
I did my business (number 1) and reached for the toliet paper. Bringing back yet another painful memory. A memory of a certian best friend and a certain hilarous bathroom experience. I couldn't take it quite well. I finished in the bathroom fast and walked out of my house faster. There was nothing out here that could spring memories, right?
No, no, no, no, no. Wrong. Walking outside, I decided to take a walk around the neighborhood. It just happened that I walked past a place that made me pause. A place where my friends and I did a video shoot four or five years ago. I felt my eyes stinging.
Running faster than I ever thought I could, I ran into my house. My cheeks were bright red and even though I convinced myself not to cry, mascara was running down my cheeks. Why did they have to go? It feels like a knife stabbed in your stomach when you lose friends. Every move I made, everywhere I looked, a painful memory pushed that knife a little farther. I ran to my room, shut the door behind me, and collapsed on the ground.
The tears came. In full out sobs. I felt the carpet beneath me dampen and my body shaking uncontrolablly. The loud sobs filled the empty house. I never thought that I could miss people this much. I never thought this was possible. The light above me flickered and the lightbulb went out. My memories and I were left in complete darkness. Even the sun had so cruelly set. I cried and cried until my tears ran out. I opened the door, still shaking and turned on the hall lights.
The person in the mirror was not me. It was a person that lost her past. A person that craved to go back. A person that needed people to support her. That person had mascara covered cheeks, blood shot eyes, a running nose, and a bare neck. "Not m-me," I whispered to myself, "that's not me." I stared into the mirror and slowly wiped the tears away.
I fixed my hair, reapplied makeup, and put on a fake smile in stead of a necklace. Just then the doorbell rang. The furniture for my room. As I stood at my door I realized they had no idea why I was ordering the black furniture they were bringing in my door. I stood by and fake smiled at the replacement furniture that I bought to get rid of the past. These furniture guys just thought that I was redecorating. And in a way I was. I was redecorating my heart. But I didn't like the change. I walked back to my room, leaving the front door open. I entered my new room and picked up the "Friends" peice necklace off the ground. I wasn't sure I wanted to wear it just yet, but I tucked it into my pocket, just in case. I felt better with the slight weight in my shorts, I half smiled. I didn't have the whole thing, but I had a peice of my past. Maybe it was an useless peice, but it was there. Maybe someday I'd be brave enough to retrieve the whole thing. I knew my past wasn't going anywhere. I was running from it. And the farther we got, the more I missed it. I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes.
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