You and Me

You and Me

A Poem by 50centdolly
"

Short stanza

"
Can I press my lips against yours
And hold you close while my heart soars
While the sounds around us fade with the city
And it's, quite simply, just you and me...


© 2017 50centdolly



WHAT AM I?: Nephilim WHAT AM I?: Nephilim
A teen boy gets killed, but trades his soul for another chance. He changes. A girl notices the new boy with silver eyes.

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I can't particularly decide what to make of this.... For starters, I would say "to me" is a bit extra in that line, since "hold you close" has "to me" already implied, and the musicality seems to flow better without the "to me"......it's short and simple, and gets the passion out indeed.....I don't know, though.....I'm detecting something a bit odd as I read it, and I believe it's the fact that it's phrased more like a question than a desire.....try rewording the first line so it reads like a desire, and let's see how that works out, for in such a short piece with such a theme, I would deem it best to go with the more powerful sentiment (desire and not question). Well done, otherwise!!

Posted 3 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

50centdolly

3 Months Ago

When I wrote it, I had meant it to be a question but a desire as well. =]



Reviews

Beautiful. Simple and sweet words shared. You and me. A perfect place to know. Thank you Holly for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

Posted 2 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

50centdolly

2 Months Ago

Thank you. =]
Coyote Poetry

2 Months Ago

You are welcome Holly.
Mmmm... the taste of "heat" and tomorrows.

Posted 3 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Shorty and simply, just you and me, nothing but free... The city roars for us, see? Nicely penned...

Posted 3 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I can't particularly decide what to make of this.... For starters, I would say "to me" is a bit extra in that line, since "hold you close" has "to me" already implied, and the musicality seems to flow better without the "to me"......it's short and simple, and gets the passion out indeed.....I don't know, though.....I'm detecting something a bit odd as I read it, and I believe it's the fact that it's phrased more like a question than a desire.....try rewording the first line so it reads like a desire, and let's see how that works out, for in such a short piece with such a theme, I would deem it best to go with the more powerful sentiment (desire and not question). Well done, otherwise!!

Posted 3 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

50centdolly

3 Months Ago

When I wrote it, I had meant it to be a question but a desire as well. =]

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4 Reviews
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Added on June 28, 2017
Last Updated on August 8, 2017


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