You and Me

You and Me

A Poem by 50centdolly
"

Short stanza

"
Can I press my lips against yours
And hold you close while my heart soars
While the sounds around us fade with the city
And it's, quite simply, just you and me...


© 2017 50centdolly



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I can't particularly decide what to make of this.... For starters, I would say "to me" is a bit extra in that line, since "hold you close" has "to me" already implied, and the musicality seems to flow better without the "to me"......it's short and simple, and gets the passion out indeed.....I don't know, though.....I'm detecting something a bit odd as I read it, and I believe it's the fact that it's phrased more like a question than a desire.....try rewording the first line so it reads like a desire, and let's see how that works out, for in such a short piece with such a theme, I would deem it best to go with the more powerful sentiment (desire and not question). Well done, otherwise!!

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

50centdolly

1 Year Ago

When I wrote it, I had meant it to be a question but a desire as well. =]



Reviews

Beautiful. Simple and sweet words shared. You and me. A perfect place to know. Thank you Holly for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

50centdolly

11 Months Ago

Thank you. =]
Coyote Poetry

11 Months Ago

You are welcome Holly.
Mmmm... the taste of "heat" and tomorrows.

Posted 12 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Shorty and simply, just you and me, nothing but free... The city roars for us, see? Nicely penned...

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I can't particularly decide what to make of this.... For starters, I would say "to me" is a bit extra in that line, since "hold you close" has "to me" already implied, and the musicality seems to flow better without the "to me"......it's short and simple, and gets the passion out indeed.....I don't know, though.....I'm detecting something a bit odd as I read it, and I believe it's the fact that it's phrased more like a question than a desire.....try rewording the first line so it reads like a desire, and let's see how that works out, for in such a short piece with such a theme, I would deem it best to go with the more powerful sentiment (desire and not question). Well done, otherwise!!

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

50centdolly

1 Year Ago

When I wrote it, I had meant it to be a question but a desire as well. =]

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170 Views
4 Reviews
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Added on June 28, 2017
Last Updated on August 8, 2017


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