Voices of Anxiety

Voices of Anxiety

A Poem by 50centdolly
"

Warning: This one is pretty dark.

"

These voices mock me

They laugh harshly

The things they say

Cut me open

They squeal with excitement

As I bleed freely.

 

These voices throw me

Into the ground

Dirt, thrown down

Covers me, traps me

Pulls me in.

I fight, sinking faster

The more I strain against

Earth’s greedy hands

The harder I am pulled,

The stronger I am gripped.

I am down to my chest,

Breaths now shallow.

Onlookers laugh and video

My struggle.

 

I call out for help

Yet no sound is heard

They laugh harder

At my silent cries.

More voices gather

Their shadows blanket

This hole they threw me in

With darkness.

 

I sink fully;

Dirt fills my mouth,

Swarms my nose,

Makes my lungs scream.

The laughter fades

The further I sink.

 

I claw the dirt

That surrounds me

Trying to get out,

The surface lost to me.

I dig and dig

Hoping I am going

Up.


© 2017 50centdolly



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The title is a good hook, and the poem in its entirely really captures the essence of someone with anxiety, and what it feels like to during a bout. Even the ending - the fact that it ends on a weird beat, kind of gives it a very uneasy tone. That being said, I'm not sure which of my notes are therefore legitimate considering the poem reads like an anxiety bout. I'll go ahead with them, and you can pick and choose which you actually think are in fact legitimate towards the sanctity of the poem:

"They" in close proximity to the noun they're representing doesn't sound as good, and rather take away from the feel of the poem as a whole. In the first stanza, for instance, the "they" in the second line should go, but the "they" in the third can stay, for it's representing a new thought, and therefore that "they" is a legitimate pronoun. While on that stanza, "mocking me" would sound better indicative rather than gerundive (for the main reason that it's the first line, and therefore should really come in with a bang): "These voices mock me" (boom, got the hook! Grab your reader!). I would also say that if you can repeat for power, do it! You say "These voices", so repeat that in the second stanza for the sole reason that it begins the second stanza (that's a good kind of repetition in poetry, for it has power to it).

The second stanza is where I'm worried my comments may not apply, but I find the thoughts a little too jumbled among the lines, and they would flow much smoother and still maintain the anxiety feel if they were a little more punctuated to determine which thoughts stood on their own and which were a part of others.

Lastly in the penultimate stanza: "As it finds it way to them".....not needed. Just saying "Swarms my nose/My lungs scream" is enough. The following line is implicit, and it reads much better without (more angsty without).

Good start!!

Posted 3 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

50centdolly

3 Months Ago

I made a few revisions that I didn't notice before. I also took note of your observations =]



Reviews

The title is a good hook, and the poem in its entirely really captures the essence of someone with anxiety, and what it feels like to during a bout. Even the ending - the fact that it ends on a weird beat, kind of gives it a very uneasy tone. That being said, I'm not sure which of my notes are therefore legitimate considering the poem reads like an anxiety bout. I'll go ahead with them, and you can pick and choose which you actually think are in fact legitimate towards the sanctity of the poem:

"They" in close proximity to the noun they're representing doesn't sound as good, and rather take away from the feel of the poem as a whole. In the first stanza, for instance, the "they" in the second line should go, but the "they" in the third can stay, for it's representing a new thought, and therefore that "they" is a legitimate pronoun. While on that stanza, "mocking me" would sound better indicative rather than gerundive (for the main reason that it's the first line, and therefore should really come in with a bang): "These voices mock me" (boom, got the hook! Grab your reader!). I would also say that if you can repeat for power, do it! You say "These voices", so repeat that in the second stanza for the sole reason that it begins the second stanza (that's a good kind of repetition in poetry, for it has power to it).

The second stanza is where I'm worried my comments may not apply, but I find the thoughts a little too jumbled among the lines, and they would flow much smoother and still maintain the anxiety feel if they were a little more punctuated to determine which thoughts stood on their own and which were a part of others.

Lastly in the penultimate stanza: "As it finds it way to them".....not needed. Just saying "Swarms my nose/My lungs scream" is enough. The following line is implicit, and it reads much better without (more angsty without).

Good start!!

Posted 3 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

50centdolly

3 Months Ago

I made a few revisions that I didn't notice before. I also took note of your observations =]
Well done! The title of the poem first caught my attention, and my curiosity began after the first group of lines. By the end of the second grouping, I was hooked. I enjoy reading a piece that will take me on a journey. I could visualize the voices and the person sinking. This is a great poem, I like the darkness and the personal struggle it presented.

Posted 3 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

50centdolly

3 Months Ago

Thank you =]

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Added on July 3, 2017
Last Updated on August 8, 2017