Preface

No one in the kingdom of Aetna knew where the king could have gone. The beloved King Chronos disappeared in the cover of night fifteen years ago soon after his children were born. There seemed to be no reason for his running away; he loved his wife and was happy to have a set of triplets to love and teach. He was a quiet man, honest and fair, a handsome young king now the age of thirty three. The King cared deeply for his people and was sure to see to their needs, as a good king would. His disappearance raised many questions in the minds of his subjects, where could he be? Why did he leave? Will he come back? The questions caused rumors to start, the most common of which was that Chronos knew that he had to leave to prepare for his children’s destiny, for many people believe the legends to be true. There is an old legend that a queen’s trinity will hold the fate of the world.  

His leave did not affect the overall wellbeing of the kingdom. Everyone lived their normal lives contently, but with a bit of sadness that followed them every day. Each and every person in Aetna mourned his disappearance and as the years passed the hope of his return began to dwindle. After a decade the subjects practically forgot about Chronos. He became a distant memory, an old tale lost in time to a majority of his people. Eventually the only people that had any hope he would come back were his wife and children. Although they never met him the children felt they knew him well. The elven servants would tell the stories of the king daily and their mother would speak of him whilst they ate.

His Queen Orithyia, named after the goddess of cold mountain wind, is a faithful woman. She refuses to remarry for she can feel in her heart that her King shall one day return. Many men began to see her as a prize to be won. Many of the kings from other kingdoms wanted her to be their queen. The kings would go to war with one another in order to win Orithyia over. She remained unimpressed and traveled to each of the feuding kingdoms to explain that they were fighting for nothing. 

Her name is fitting in one respect, like the mountain wind her voice is enough to make any person stop dead in their tracks. Her voice was sweet and enticing, people could not help but to listen to every word she said. She is a beautiful woman whose golden hair is perfectly curled. Her sparkling emerald green eyes can see into the soul of any person who stands near her. Her ability to charm people was helpful, but she did not exploit it.  She was a fair and kind hearted ruler; she cared for each and every one of her subjects. 

She had sent scouts to search for Chronos, her best knights scoured all of Mannarök, but there was not even a trace of their King. Scouting parties searched every neighboring kingdom hoping to find even the slightest clue as to where he could be, but not a single person had seen him. The scouts asked the gods and every speaking creature that they ran into. They asked numerous fairies, merpeople, and nymphs if there were any signs of their king, but they hadn’t seen or heard a thing. It seemed as though Chronos had vanished into thin air. 

Reviews

[Nusquam Esse]

This needs a major copy-edit, I will try to explain some of the issues here. First thing, the title of the book; you misspell Legend. That this slipped through, should show that this needs at least a proofread. The largest problem is that this story has inconsistent tense, fluctuating between past and present; choose one, and stick to it. Also watch out for plural tense (ex. you said “a people”). Next you need to see what words you can remove from the story without impacting the meaning and ambiance of the story. There are two main reasons I can see for this being a problem. One: we tend to use words we don’t need when we talk. They are fine when we speak, but in writing they drag down the tempo of a piece, avoid words which don’t contribute anything. (Google for “Words to Remove from Writing” to find suggestions. Search your document for those words, and see if they do contribute. I do a similar search on my own writing, and always find stuff which I can cut that improves my writing—like using “and” at the start of sentences) Two: in attempting to write archaically, you are using more words than necessary, “for many a people believe.” It is a pseudo-archaic form, and there are better ways to carry that ‘sense’ of age to your writing beyond adding unneeded words. I recommend pursuing a poetic approach of metaphors. Also check for redundancy “Each and Every” may be a figure of speech, but in proper English, these two words are not needed at the same time; it is regarded as a cliché that most writing analyzers will ax. Word-choice should likewise be examined, I recommend using a Sentence Analyzer (smartedit may work), "affect vs. effect". And while the punctuation does show some good understanding, going so far as to use semi-colons; I recommend going through and checking it all again. I noticed several areas where commas would help.

Using a writing analyzer to help guide you, do a copy-edit. Trim for redundancy and unnecessary filler words. And fix the tense! It is a lot of work, I myself have been doing extensive copy-edits on my work. If this is something that you cannot do, either lacking the technical skills to do so, or the dedication and focus, then you should look into hiring a copy-editor. Good Luck!

[Kasey Miriam]

Thank you for the type of review I've been looking for. Can't hire anyone, but I do know it needs a lot of work. So thank you for nit picking

[KittyKatgirl]

Great job. I love the way you described Orithyia (nice name by the way) and how she is basically the one in control with just her voice. Good job and keep up the good work :) I can't wait to read the next chapter

[Kasey Miriam]

Thank you so much!

[Amesie]

Really good beginning of a book, I love the description of the queen and the sense of her character and name choice. Also the Queens trinity is so interesting to me! I will absolutely be reading on.

[Kasey Miriam]

Thank you for reading. This is a work of heart and has been taking years to be happy with

[Amesie]

All the best are labours of love.

[Ryan Henderson]

Oh, I like this piece so far! It starts off right into the thick of things, which I like, explaining how the king went missing fifteen years ago, and then explaining what had happened as a result of it, and what the queen had gone through. I liked the flow of the story, as well as the character description that was going on. All in all, pretty enticing story so far, I shall be reading more.

[Kasey Miriam]

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoy my book so far!

[RAOrourke]

Second paragraph starts with saying his disappearance didn't have an effect but then it shows them being sad and then causing depression. Those are import effects of a loss.

"wanted her to be their queen" to stay in tense I would say want her to be their queen since you start of saying she is a faithful woman. I noticed the tense would change in the story from past to present and back without their being any flashbacks.

"that they were fighting for nothing" I think a little more description here would be good. even saying fighting in vain.

but there was no trace of him, would be better than not even a trace of him.

I think going back and checking the tenses would help the flow of your story

[Kasey Miriam]

There can't be flashbacks in this story. It has a narrator. The way that it's written is my preferred style. A few things I will change, but a lot of it has purpose. I flourish and write things a bit backasswards in order to fit the time frame.

[RAOrourke]

I wasn't meaning there should be flashbacks, mearly stating that since you went back and forth between tenses, that is usually when a flashback is used. Wasnt' suggesting you put one in at all.

[Kasey Miriam]

All I am trying to say is that the style of writing I use allows the narration to change based on the context.

[Silent Wolf]

This sounds very interesting, and it held my attention. I can't wait to read more.

I didn't see a lot of grammar problems in this. Actually, I don't remember seeing any...

[Kasey Miriam]

Thank you very much. I am thrilled it was enjoyed thus far.

[C. Rose]

An example of telling where you could show with dialogue instead: "She refuses to remarry for she can feel in her heart that her King shall one day return. "

[Kasey Miriam]

Thank you very much

[Stephen]

To be honest, I really love reading such kinda novels indeed. I just adore this preface. The outline`s seemed very impressive, it makes me impressed as well. The length of the preface`s perfect .. umm... & the starting!! Yeah, the starting`s beautiful .. many writers start prefaces using "There" .. "Once" ... "One day" & blah .. blah .. blah ... which`s yeah good but not as great as it should be so, here you`ve got a plus point using the preface in a very surprising way. You`ve kept the thrill from staring to ending excellently and what more I find about this preface`s the proper paragraphs!! Yeah, many writers either define summary in a one big paragraph or simply stretch out the length at all .. so, here you done a very great job. The length, the paragraphs, the structure & the thrill ~~ everything`s well written ... I really don`t find any error in this preface if I`d found .. i`d have really notified you ... so, yeah, the rating should be 10/10 .. i`m going to give you 10/10 here...

It`s a very beautiful theme. The words are also very good you used here with the text .. Great! I`m stunned!! You really make me impress, Kasey. I didn`t know, you`re so far talented than I`ve ever thought .. that`s very good. Well done, it`s simply a brilliant job!!

[Kasey Miriam]

Oh my goodness thamk you so much! You are so very kind, and I am so very humbled you enjoyed reading the preface. it took over a year for me to be happy with just this part and your review almost brought me to tears to see how well my work is recieved. I cant thank you enough for the kindness you put into the reviews you leave here. My day has just been made. thank you again Stephen.

[Stephen]

It`s always my pleasure to read your beautiful stuffs. I`m glad to make some smiles on your face. You`re really very great at writing. May you soon get published!!

[LittleDreamer]

I think that this Preface has a lot of description, it really let's you know what is happening and it's amazing - simply awesome. Well done! :)

[Kasey Miriam]

Thank you so much! I'm so glad it's well liked!

[Jack Kennedy]

Nicely done, this makes me want to step my game up! Always good inspiration and always good work from you. The fact that you took precious time to create and perfect and perfect and create screams volumes to me! I wish more people had that drive and dedication for crafting characters and the story.

Thanks for requesting this!

[Kasey Miriam]

Thank you for reading. My OCD makes it hard to finish things my four chapters have taken five years to get to where they are. This series mean the world to me and it is a project I will finish. Thank you again. Enjoy the rest.

[A. Amos]

Kasey I have to say, you're one of the writers who go deep in following their passions, love the story you are creating and I can see endless efforts, research and hard work you have pour in this tale. I truly am your fan and I can't wait to see your book turning into movie...Simply Epic!

[Kasey Miriam]

Thank you so much I cant even explain the blood sweat and tears that go into this project of mine

[A. Amos]

I can feel there was a reason, I told you I'm your fan:) you're most welcome