compressed in between

compressed in between

A Poem by ASHIDASH
"

it's all about your feelings See how your heart gets compressed in between feelings and how it touches two different emotions at the same time

"
When you smile, the next day you'll cry
your eyes become wet' the next day they'll dry
Everyone of us will sometimes learn'
that life is a wonder for us to turn

Your face becomes pale cause you are to cry,
your face becomes red cause you are to smile
Time runs through the bridge of sorrow,
it's an unexpected feeling you borrow

Your mind can go in search of power,
but strength is the power to climb-up the tower
strength is the best you can create in your mind,
yet you should know power makes you go blind

All these visions will make us know,
if you want to examine feelings, there are so much more
feelings make you compressed in between two,
go in search of this what i said was true 

© 2014 ASHIDASH



Author's Note

ASHIDASH
i need to know how i am... i need to improve..

My Review

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Featured Review

The first two stanzas are great, but the second two need some work.
The first two stanzas do a really great job of illustrating a concept I strongly believe in, the concept that a person's feelings are ever changing, just like life itself.
I have no idea what the third stanza is trying to say. If you tell me what you are trying to say with it, I might be able to help you word it better.
I have a similar reaction to the fourth stanza. Please tell me what you were trying to say with the fourth stanza, too.
Another criticism I have for the fourth stanza is that the first two lines don't rhyme, while all the other line pairs in the poem do. You should probably reword those lines so that they'll rhyme.
I look forward to hearing from you about this poem. It's good so far.

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

lady sunshine

3 Years Ago

i think lily is right.... you need to work on the poem more... some places are very confusing...
Sunny

3 Years Ago

I have to agree with Lily also. First two stanzas are great and they make sense then the last two ar.. read more



Reviews

Your rhyme schemes are strong. The knowledge you impart possess wisdom. Improvement can be accomplished with a different level of metaphor like "she climbed into her skin and found to her surprise someone there with a mean filled eye".

Posted 3 Years Ago


I have to agree with Lily. With a little more work this can be a very good poem. I think maybe you rush a little so that you can get it on the site. Take your time. leave it a day and come back to it. See if you can use a different word to describe things. If it works , great if not use the original.
Keep writing you're doing great.
Clive.

Posted 3 Years Ago


ASHIDASH

3 Years Ago

What you said was really true. I'll work on it and will correct my errors.
Needs a little tweaking. I like rhyme, but if I have a powerful message, I like to stick to prose to really get down to what I'm trying to say. Maybe try that :)
Your style reminds me of a mix of Billy Collins and Walt Whitman: bouncy and juxtaposition of opposites. Give them a read if you haven't before! I like your concept and ideas. Keep on writing, my friend :)

Posted 3 Years Ago


ASHIDASH

3 Years Ago

Thanks alot
The first two stanzas are great, but the second two need some work.
The first two stanzas do a really great job of illustrating a concept I strongly believe in, the concept that a person's feelings are ever changing, just like life itself.
I have no idea what the third stanza is trying to say. If you tell me what you are trying to say with it, I might be able to help you word it better.
I have a similar reaction to the fourth stanza. Please tell me what you were trying to say with the fourth stanza, too.
Another criticism I have for the fourth stanza is that the first two lines don't rhyme, while all the other line pairs in the poem do. You should probably reword those lines so that they'll rhyme.
I look forward to hearing from you about this poem. It's good so far.

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

lady sunshine

3 Years Ago

i think lily is right.... you need to work on the poem more... some places are very confusing...
Sunny

3 Years Ago

I have to agree with Lily also. First two stanzas are great and they make sense then the last two ar.. read more
I enjoyed reading it. I think you have a good style of writing.

Posted 3 Years Ago


ASHIDASH

3 Years Ago

thanks alot. your words are encouraging... do well with the next chapter
Willow Radcliffe

3 Years Ago

Thank you. Good luck with your endeavors also

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Added on June 29, 2014
Last Updated on June 29, 2014

Author

ASHIDASH
ASHIDASH

colombo, Sri Lanka



About
About me.... I'm still 17. i love to write.. i thought of joining this website because i want to know how I am. I'm working on a poetry book and hope to publish it in here but before that i thought o.. more..

Writing
I Recall I Recall

A Poem by ASHIDASH