Unspoken Reality

A MURDERER WHO REPENTS FOR KILLING HIS OWN LOVE

Rest in the grave, I am drugged with opium
tasteless taste drags me to hell
Eerie laugh and poisoned sword,
led me into the world of tears

A lifeless soul, dressed in judgement,
looks into my mind, fraught with sin
Retracing the steps to forbidden love,
hoping to retrieve my banished heart

Destiny's voyage, over blazing fire,
erratic in nature, bounded with envy
enters my heart to make me suffer,
depress me with  the reality of forbidden love

Brooding silence, stare into the dark
One word love, torture the pain
Ruthless in blood and vicious at heart,
longing tears of forbidden love

Words unspoken, expressed on my face,
blood stained eyes, looking for mercy
grieving over my love, that died in my hands,
rich with sin, revenge and evil

Her mindless body ran from one to another
Her restless mind, played lots of tricks
Her fickleness made my mind go blind
She cheated my love as well as my life

Burning presence of loneliness I held within me
I loved her once but I hate her now
Her last drop of breath, danced under my hand
The last choice I had, was to pay for her death

Author's Note

I'd like to know about this poem.

Reviews

[ayesha gupta]

heart-touching piece of work.

[Happy hours]

wow...wonderful...well written :)

[Matching Socks]

I love the very unique idea of this poem, really powerful imagery.

[Sreenath]

superb nicely penned great... enjoyed reading !!

[Leslie Philibert]

a fine treatment of this theme, maybe some work on the line length would make it flow better, you write well..well done.

[Ashley Griffiths]

I really like this piece and the general flow of it; I have one recommendation though. I would suggest trying to make the action of the character more implied. This would add a greater depth to the piece and keep the reader guessing as to the meaning of the piece. You could possibly change line three in stanza five to "grieving over the love that died in my hands.' What do you think?

[ASHIDASH]

Thanks Ashley. Sure I'll change that part

[Glen Yumang Manese]

I had a hard time reading this verse...I'm sure you put forth effort in the lines as you made this come to life...but needs a revamp...look and read your work...and I believe you will see what I mean...not just to read it...but focus on the wholeness of the write...make the reader want to engage the lines and feel the depth of it all:

Rest in the grave, I am drugged with opium
tasteless taste drags me to hell
Eerie laugh and poisoned sword,
led me into the world of tears

A lifeless soul, dressed in judgement,
looks into my mind, fraught with sin
Retracing the steps to forbidden love,
hoping to retrieve my banished heart

Destiny's voyage, over blazing fire,
erratic in nature, bounded with envy
enters my heart to make me suffer,
depress me with the reality of forbidden love

Brooding silence, stare into the dark
One word love, torture the pain
Ruthless in blood and vicious at heart,
longing tears of forbidden love

Words unspoken, expressed on my face,
blood stained eyes, looking for mercy
grieving over my love, I killed with my hands,
rich with sin, revenge and evil

Her mindless body ran from one to another
Her restless mind, played lots of tricks
Her fickleness made my mind go blind
She cheated my love as well as my life

Burning presence of loneliness I held within me
I loved her once but I hate her now
Her last drop of breath, danced under my hand
The last choice I had, was to pay for her death

----

Rest beneath the grave,
I drugged with opium
tasteless drags me to Hell
Eerie laugh, poisoned sword,
and led me into the world:
filled with tears

A lifeless soul, dressed in judgment,
Looks into my mind, fraught with sin
Retrace steps of forbidden love,
Hope may retrieve my banished heart

Destiny's voyage, over blazing fire,
erratic in nature, bounded with envy
enters my heart make me suffer,
depresses me with reality of forbidden love

Brood silence, stare into the dark
A word called love, torture the pain
Ruthless in blood and vicious at heart,
longing tears of forbidden love

Words unspoken, expressed on my face,
blood stained eyes, look for mercy
grieve over my love, I killed with my hands,
rich with sin, revenge and evil

Her mindless body ran from one to another
Her restless mind, played lots of tricks
Her fickleness made my mind go blind
She cheated my love as well as my life

Burn presence of loneliness held within me
I loved her once, but hate beckons now
Last drop of breath, danced under my hand
Last choice I had, paid for her death

----
of course that was a quick edit...you can see how each is quite the same --- yet has the atmosphere for the reader...without changing the originality of your work...

[ASHIDASH]

Thank you Glen

[Glen Yumang Manese]

you're welcome...