A Crease in the Grass

This flash fiction is about a person who just lost their boyfriend. They are thinking about him as they gaze at the night sky above.

I put my hands behind my head as I laid down and stared up at the luminescent sky with the moon sitting squarely in the middle. The sight brought a tsunami of gut wrenching sadness and grief over me. I turned to look at the vacant spot next to me. It hadn’t always been like that. I could still picture his face staring up at the sky. I could still see feel Rylan’s arms wrapped around me in a warm, comforting embrace. To think, if some idiotic drunk driver had been paying attention to the road, I wouldn't have lost my boyfriend. I lifted my arm off the ground, from which I had unconsciously rested my hand over the ghost of Rylan’s. Then I raked through my hair with my fingers as I sighed.
Every few months, around the time of the crescent moon, I'm reminded of the accident. After all, the first night I spent without him was a crescent moon; his favorite phase. He had always been such a nerd when it came to astronomy. At first, I found it irritating how much he talked about it. But, after a while, I started to share his fascination with the stars.
I had never even gotten the chance to tell him how I felt; something he had admitted to me months before. Something I was terrified to admit to myself, let alone Rylan. I had planned to tell him that night, but the words were never given the chance to be spoken. All the opportunities I had had were wasted.
“Scott! Mom wants you to come inside.” I heard my sister call from the porch, followed by the door slamming shut behind her. For a couple seconds, I didn't move. I quickly wiped away the tears that were involuntarily escaping from my eyes at a rapid pace. A mental breakdown was not something I needed to be having right now, which is exactly what would happen the second I let the sadness continue to overtake me. I knew that all too well.
I stopped in front of the door, my hand on the handle. Glancing behind me, I stared up at the scintillating sky. A shuddering breath left my mouth and condensed in front of me. “Goodnight, Rylan. I miss you.” I whispered to myself before tugging the door open and stepping inside.

Reviews

[P. T. Corwin]

You set the mood beautifully with a simple description of the sky, which gives the whole scene a serene feeling. I'm just not sure it's the right mood for the story, as the piece then goes into the "gut wrenching sadness and grief" of losing a loved one.
I feel it might not be clear enough where she lies down. Just a small description of maybe what the grass feels like (is it cold? is it wet? is the ground hard or soft?) might help the reader imagine the setting more and could help establish the mood.

The "luminescent sky" adds a slightly otherworldly (ghostly?) atmosphere to it, which fits the story well, and it seems it repeats that idea of Rylan actually being "present" through the condensing breath.

"if some idiotic drunk driver had been paying attention to the road, I wouldn't have lost my boyfriend" is a little too on-the-nose. It's telling the reader what happened, rather than adding little hints (it mentions the accident later) and letting them work it out for themselves (readers love to feel smart).

The sentence "I lifted my arm off the ground, from which I had unconsciously rested my hand over the ghost of Rylan’s" confused me a little. It might just be the syntax.
I'm not sure you need "Then I raked through my hair with my fingers as I sighed." It feels a little out of place, as if tagged on to the previous sentence. An action here might work well to show how the narrator feels, but maybe something stronger. Maybe a reaction to the memory of how Rylan died, the anger at the "idiotic drunk driver", the anger over such an avoidable loss.

I really like the little information you gave about the boyfriend's character (his love for astronomy - the fact that he has a favourite phase is a great touch). It may just be a little snippet of who he was, but it manages to capture enough of this person we never actually "meet" to understand their growing relationship and what he meant to the narrator.

"For a couple seconds, I didn't move" doesn't quite seem to go with "I quickly wiped away the tears". Maybe you need something in between to bridge the gap from stillness to speed. A change in mindset. Maybe the sister calls again and now the narrator really has to get going.

As for the theme, the beginning suggests that the narrator comes outside during the crescent moon and looks up at the sky to provoke thoughts about Rylan, which would be an interesting idea that ties well into the theme of loss and missing someone. It also turns the narrator into a more layered character, one moment looking for the memory of Rylan, the next struggling with it. Trying to work through the grief, but always stopping short when it gets too intense. If that was indeed the intention, maybe it needs a stronger ending, where the narrator either invites the memory again or runs away from it.

Hope that helps, and sorry for rambling as well.

[Chopstix]

Wow, an in depth review. Great!. I thought I was the only one. Some helpful comments, but I think you missed an important detail.

Rylan is the narrator's boyfriend. The narrator's sister calls out for Scott, a name not commonly given to females, so you should replace "she" with "he" in the sentence, "I feel it might not be clear enough where she lies down."

Keep reading, writing and reviewing.

[Tony Jordan]

JayG is a great reviewer too imho

[John Alexander McFadyen]

This sad tale is well told in a sensitive and descriptive tone. The twist was both good and not over-played as you reveal this to have been a homosexual relationship.

[Chopstix]

I found your story when I went fishing for a contest and started reading submissions. I am glad I did. This story is written fairly well and way better than most I come across using the Discover feature. That said, I will, probably focus on the story’s short comings.

Just because the narrator’s name is “I” in first person point of view doesn’t mean that author’s should leave the narrator’s name out. A previous reviewer assumed the narrator was female because the narrator lost a boy friend. I assumed the narrator was male because his sister called for “Scott” to come in and the narrator came in. the actual line is:
“Scott! Mom wants you to come inside.” I heard my sister call from the porch, followed by the door slamming shut behind her. … I stopped in front of the door, my hand on the handle.
This is just an assumption, however. There could be three or more siblings and the narrator simply followed Scott to the door. Naming characters lets readers know who’s doing what. In the book “Freakonomics,” the authors point out research on how people react to names, and the impact is significant. However prejudiced our reader’s reactions to names may be, authors can should not waste opportunities to define characters with so few words.

As a previous remarked, this story sets a mood excellently. I found it deeply emotional. For emotional pieces, you may want Google a writing technique called DeepPOV. There are several writers and agents blogs on the topic. In your readings, you may also come across, as I did, the reason why agents and publishers prefer first time novelists to write third person limited as opposed to first person, namely aversion to “I verb predicate” sentences. In this area, this story could use some help. The trick is to re-imagine sentences which begin with I. Lets look at the introductory paragraph, You wrote:
I put my hands behind my head as I laid down and stared up at the luminescent sky with the moon sitting squarely in the middle. The sight brought a tsunami of gut wrenching sadness and grief over me.(39)
As a previous reviewer pointed out, the hot part of this is the “luminescent sky.” Since the narrators hands don’t really come into play, they seem unimportant, so let’s concentrate on the hot part and try something like:
The luminescent sky, moon dead in the middle, brought a tsunami of gut wrenching sadness over me.(17)
A saving of 22 words without any loss and no I verb constructs. By the way, I liked the use of “tsunami” in your piece.

Perhaps the biggest problem with this piece is that there is not enough story in it. Scott, the narrator, lies in a yard, stares at the sky, remembers Rylan, his now dead lover taken by a drunk driver, and goes inside. Not much happens, so not much of a story, more of a lament. There was some interesting stuff where Scott feels Rylan’s presence, if not in a purely physical way. Ghost stories are a bit cliché, but if Rylan’s virtual presence somehow altered events, or if the story explored grief and felt presences in a meaningful and more experiential way, there might be more story to this.

However well written, and this is well written, there are not enough story elements in this piece to hold my interest. Too many authors amp up action and make everything cliff hanging life and death situations, so I definitely do not recommend turning this story into a paranormal, psych thriller, but the mood and emotion need to define some sort of conflict and guide action to lead to some sort of resolution.