Punk-Zombie!

A Halloween-y piece. b4 u read, 2 versions here. the 1st has line ends, the 2nd is prose format.

A punk zombie with green red blue
mohawk as high as battle axes
devouring radiowave-broiled brains
which secrete a delectable aroma
like steak sizzling on a barbeque
yet once bitten into
tastes as bitter as liver 
as the gray matter sears the stomach
like battery acid
at which point the punk zombie
doubles-over and pukes
vomiting puss and entrails
starts ripping off its ears
gauging out its blood-shot eyes
clawing out its intestines
gnawing off his arms and thighs
when sunlight hits the dismembered flopping body parts
it sets aflame
the yellow fumes
choke and poison
birds, tree, sky
all that remains in the cinders
are metal piercings
studs, steel-toes, belts, rings, chains, zippers
zippo, graffiti can, flask, needle
and the rotting idealism of youth
in the beaks of radioactive vultures
flying overhead
casting their toxic shadows
on all below


A punk zombie with green red blue  mohawk as high as battle axes  devouring radiowave-broiled brains  which secrete a delectable aroma  like steak sizzling on a barbeque  yet once bitten into  it taste as bitter as liver   and the gray matter sears the stomach  like battery acid  at which point the punk zombie  doubles over and pukes  vomiting puss and entrails  begins ripping off its ears  gauging out its blood-shot eyes   clawing out his intestines  and gnawing off his arms and thighs  when sunlight hits the dismembered convulsing body parts  it sets aflame and its yellow fumes  chokes and poisons  the birds and the trees  all that remains in the cinders  are metal piercing  studs, boots, belts, rings, chains, zippers  zippo, graffiti can, flask, needle  and the rotting idealism of youth  in the beaks of radioactive vultures  flying overhead casting their toxic shadows  on all below

Author's Note

taking votes. which version do you prefer (and why - even if it's just as simple as "It just looks cooler")? a little sneak-peak behind the decisions poets must undertake.

avatar from one of my fav all-time cheesiest 80s horror flick!

Return of the Living Dead

Reviews

[Matching Socks]

Ha! Love it. I'm a huge fan of zombies! Movies, video games (yeah prob too old for this but hey...) TV shows.
If there's ever a zombie apocalypse you need to call. I'll know exactly how to survive!

Personally, I prefer version one. The prose.
My brain feels jumbled and overwhelmed when I see too many words too close together.

As a reader, I'm more likely to stop and read the first one.
That's just me partially speaking from personal preference, partially from putting back on the marketing hat I used to wear years ago several years ago.

Great poem though, zombies aside...

[A. Amos]

Both of the versions were brilliant and amazing, highly entertaining! You're very talented my friend...

[Fréyjä Helv..]

The first controls the flow of your work. So it could be considered a free verse. The content and thought was pretty brutally disgusting, in a way that it affects people. It caught people's attention, if you're meant to make people feel disgusted, then you nailed it. I'm into brutality so this is just awesome.

The best phrase. "Rotting idealism of youth" It's reality... Great job...

[Yellow Butterfly]

Horror's really not my thing... closest I've got to watching one was MJ's Thriller, made back in the 80's and cheesy as hell. However this write is full of the stuff I'd rather read than see on screen.

You've captured all the right elements to make this a horror poem (if there's such a catagory on WC). Both pieces are cool - for you I doubt a difficult decision... you nailed it with both versions.

[...]

This poem makes me sick... But not because of the imagery you use, but because it seems like a horrible, ugly truth.

'the rotting idealism of youth'

for some reason i didn't find that line funny at all... in fact I think it's really sad.

As far as if it's a good poem or not... Well, I can't tell if it got it's message across, but it definitely sent a message to me.

[Alessander]

I rarely comment on reviews, but I think you got it. This is "funny" in that "Merchant of Venice" way. "Grotesque" really.

[MOON]

I like the first version, but what do I know , a punk zombie a double whammy. Rather graphic , not very pleasant either but then how else would you describe the rotting idealism of youth. Works , not a pretty sight but a good write.

[Vanesa Markovic]

I suppose one could say the top flows better, but in keeping true punk style, I enjoy the latter. Anarchy in poetry, haha.
This is entirely up my alley, everything about this, the imagery, the theme, I LOVED this most out of all your works I've read so far.

[Ask Nopf]

The top one is a lot easier to read, and the flow is a bit more.. idk, better. hah

Also, the graphic descriptions around the middle of it made me feel pretty nauseous.. If words can do that, it's pretty damn well written.
Albeit, the topic is a bit.. odd, but you're a bit odd, so it works.

[TheSweet]

I prefer the top one, because the transition from predominently punk to falling-apart zombie had more of a flow in it. But Good read, I love Zombies and I love punks. So a punk zombie blew my mind :P

[The White Wolf]

"and the rotting idealism of youth".....I swear, I just about keeled over laughing :) That must have smelled something terrible. This, my friend, is a masterpiece, and that is all I can say to do it justice.
Oh, and version 1.