Punk-Zombie!

A Halloween-y piece. b4 u read, 2 versions here. the 1st has line ends, the 2nd is prose format.

A punk zombie with green red blue
mohawk as high as battle axes
devouring radiowave-broiled brains
which secrete a delectable aroma
like steak sizzling on a barbeque
yet once bitten into
tastes as bitter as liver 
as the gray matter sears the stomach
like battery acid
at which point the punk zombie
doubles-over and pukes
vomiting puss and entrails
starts ripping off its ears
gauging out its blood-shot eyes
clawing out its intestines
gnawing off his arms and thighs
when sunlight hits the dismembered flopping body parts
it sets aflame
the yellow fumes
choke and poison
birds, tree, sky
all that remains in the cinders
are metal piercings
studs, steel-toes, belts, rings, chains, zippers
zippo, graffiti can, flask, needle
and the rotting idealism of youth
in the beaks of radioactive vultures
flying overhead
casting their toxic shadows
on all below


A punk zombie with green red blue  mohawk as high as battle axes  devouring radiowave-broiled brains  which secrete a delectable aroma  like steak sizzling on a barbeque  yet once bitten into  it taste as bitter as liver   and the gray matter sears the stomach  like battery acid  at which point the punk zombie  doubles over and pukes  vomiting puss and entrails  begins ripping off its ears  gauging out its blood-shot eyes   clawing out his intestines  and gnawing off his arms and thighs  when sunlight hits the dismembered convulsing body parts  it sets aflame and its yellow fumes  chokes and poisons  the birds and the trees  all that remains in the cinders  are metal piercing  studs, boots, belts, rings, chains, zippers  zippo, graffiti can, flask, needle  and the rotting idealism of youth  in the beaks of radioactive vultures  flying overhead casting their toxic shadows  on all below

Author's Note

taking votes. which version do you prefer (and why - even if it's just as simple as "It just looks cooler")? a little sneak-peak behind the decisions poets must undertake.

avatar from one of my fav all-time cheesiest 80s horror flick!

Return of the Living Dead

Reviews

[Matching Socks]

Ha! Love it. I'm a huge fan of zombies! Movies, video games (yeah prob too old for this but hey...) TV shows.
If there's ever a zombie apocalypse you need to call. I'll know exactly how to survive!

Personally, I prefer version one. The prose.
My brain feels jumbled and overwhelmed when I see too many words too close together.

As a reader, I'm more likely to stop and read the first one.
That's just me partially speaking from personal preference, partially from putting back on the marketing hat I used to wear years ago several years ago.

Great poem though, zombies aside...

[Brad]

second version...why? none of your goddamn business!! haha...just kidding...whenever i read something...i'll think in my head how it would be presented aloud...to me, the second makes more sense

[Lunny]

it's quite flowing, there's no stopping and just goes on and on
nice change from love and nature stuff people usually write about :) like it

[GunMetal]

"all that remains in the cinders are metal piercings" -This part made me chuckle.

I believe I like the first version better, because in the way you have it written as prose, without the punctuation and with the double spaces between lines, it looks like it still wants to be a 'line ends' poem. And then this line, "-yellow fumes chokes and poisons". When I read it in the first version, it didn't bother me, but in the prose version, "chokes" looks like it's supposed to be "choke".

As for the poem: Definitely had fun reading this. It amuses me that you chose to write about a Punk Zombie, as opposed to something like a "Priest Zombie," because picturing this scene with someone who used to be a priest would be disturbing, but since it's a punk it seems appropriate somehow (vomiting in the street somewhere at night). Your descriptions were grotesque and constant throughout. Electric and high in energy. Not quite unlike Punk music. Rock on, man.

[Muse]

btw...version one.

[Muse]

I remember being 5...6 years of age...at a babysitters house...they were playing this movie...trying to keep me out of the room. I was entranced...and horrified by what little I got to watch of this flick. The black and white will always be the best. It was then..my love of horror began. It intrigued me...the thrill..the shock factor...it was never the norm. Society became boring to me...innocence lost I guess. lol Blood never bothered me....zombies are not much different than you and I. They just have not created a patch yet to curb their cravings. I'm tired...rambling...good work! High scores.

Muse

[h d e rushin]

I like the second version...so much poetry happens in the confines of little
puntuation. good work....hder

[R J Askew]

I'm reading everyone in my friends list. One poem from each. What the hell! I was looking fwd to reading one of yours and I was not disappointed. This is great because it is vigorous and it reminds me of youth.

I esp like the jauntiness of these lines...

all that remains in the cinders
are metal piercings
studs, boots, belts, rings, chains, zippers
zippo, graffiti can, flask, needle
and the rotting idealism of youth

If I get tired in my reading mission - I'm like some reading marine drill sergeant reading platoon leader, machine gun reading that's me - I'll come back and read your KANT poem. For now I'm gonna put it behind my ear like a semi-smoked f*g (English usage) for later use.

[sienikeha]

1st version easier on the eyes. i see a comic strip sidling up to this . .

feedback: you could trim further ..chopping out the odd a, as, the,.. etc. --if you want. my $.02. but i'm a brevity w***e.

"choke and poison" de pluralized
"taste(s) bitter as liver"

i like this image: "gray matter sears the stomach"
overall .. it's very B movie. grotesque. graphic. blood&gutsy. : }

[allie_arrowz]

very descriptive, definitely puts an image in your head.
but the image was not pleasant for me haha.
nice write though.
oh and first one.

[Emily B]

i like the second version - it just feels thicker