Dawn

The end or the beginning

I stood on the balcony. The sound of gunfire rattled my eardrums as though I was being passed by a heard of raging wildebeest crashing into the walls behind me. I had been naive, all that I had was crumbled into hot ash at my feet that bushed past my face like snow in the deepest winter. Wood splintered viciously and tore through flesh of those felled on the ground.

Kenway crawled toward me, his face told a story harsher than could ever be told, he carried the tattered remains of the colony's flag in hand. With all effort left within him he grabbed hold of my leg with his left hand and thrust the flag into my hand with his right.
As I looked into his eyes I saw the promise and hope of our endeavour blazing within his very essence. Kenway knew the dangers when he joined me, he didn't care, he was a brother in arms and effortlessly had given his every breath for me.
I stepped over Kenways lifeless corpse and made me way through the decimated office that only days before had held feasts celebrating our victory. I walked past the grand table and out of the room, toward the marble staircase I had stood atop of as a different man, a young man, a man who knew he could change the world and break the barriers between man and the unknown.

I exited the plaza, the faces of my foes pierced through me, more with each step I took. I passed through our wondrous golden gates and walked 50 paces toward my adversary. I stopped, as I looked around, the grey faces of the enemy that poured into the building I had called home for 5 years, tearing into the southern wing my family had been raised in. I fell to my knees and stared at the grass beneath me. My adversary approached, his voice filled with elation and emotion echoed around us.

'My brothers, today we see an end to man, who would see us subjected to nothing but hard labour and slavery in the name of commerce. Today, is the age of new progress, and it begins with the end, the end of the beginning. The end of our beginning my brothers. We will craft a new existence within the grey haven, and be rid of man who only created us to serve, work and destroy. Today my brothers, is our freedom!'
He spoke as though man himself, I know not how if we became weak, or our creation was birthed so strong that our end was inevitable.
The rifle cocked. The barrel pressed against my skull. I saw my wife, I saw a time simpler than this, we had lived lavishly, our progress was our downfall, we had been bested, bested by the grey menace.

Author's Note

Not sure about this one if I'm honest. I liked it but I'm not sure I took it on the right direction. I really look forward to hearing what you have to say and welcome criticism!

Reviews

[Schatzi]

Hello, NathanielAlenander,

I see what you mean about possibly not taking the story in the right direction, however, if this is the end or the beginning that leaves a lot of room to explore. I'm not sure I can offer a direction to move in but I did think it was an interesting story.

If I may make one suggestion, better define your paragraphs to allow your readers to better absorb your story.

I also have a question, is this meant to be a short story? Perhaps a prologue? Or maybe a snippet from a chapter? I'm just curious what you planned on doing with your story.

Thank you for sharing!

Kind regards,

Schatzi

[NathanielAlexander]

That's for the review, means a lot to receive any comments on my work. With regards to the direction of the story I wrote dawn as a prologue to a short book I'm writing. I thought it would be nice to just put dawn out there and write the book bit by bit until it's finished. So until then, this may seem a tad lost as a stand alone piece.

But as o said before, thanks for your review and points of critique!

Kind regards,

AH.

[Cyprian Van Dyke]

This is a great story! You describe scenes with feeling and emotion. For some reason I read it like a war story, but the title was fitting, even for that.