Deceived

My sinking horizon

Collapsed on the ground,

When the light of your sun

Slowly burned me down

To black, wispy ashes

That dance in the wind,

Trying to find

Their way back again.

Tell me why you broke,

Beneath my delicate hands,

I wasn’t strong enough,

I don’t understand

 

Dark, dismal corners,

In my mind filled with shadows,

You took everything in me,

That used to have a glow.

Slide your hands,

Slowly down my face,

Wipe off my tears,

My shining eyes you trace,

With your deceiving whispers,

Telling me to stay,

When all you wanted,

Was to take me away.

 

Paint me a picture,

When I saw right through,

All your lies and deceit,

When I actually had a clue.

You scarred me then left me,

So scared and unable,

You pushed me down,

My soul is in shambles.

 

Desperately you followed me,

when I left you behind,

In the darkness you created,

In the back of my mind.

I gave you my heart,

Then I was your slave,

You threw me in the ocean,

I died in the waves.

 

Author's Note

This is mostly a double sided poem, with two different viewpoints from one person. I think it's lacking some fluidity....

Reviews

[Raymond]

First: You're being too hard in your note. The poem was great. I had several "fav" lines here: Black whispy ashes...I'll be your ghost...well on and on. I only came here cuz I saw a review you did that killed me...then I read your profile which was genius...and now I find a great poem...ok, gonna go read more...hey your 14 hours ahead of me, can you tell me what happens tomorrow? Thanks LOL

[A. E. Cox]

I like this. It is different to see two perspectives and it left me wanting more, and with a need to help! lol I just launched a writing contest on my blog, you should enter! Just got to,
www.Write-About-This.blogspot.com
and the guidelines are on the right-hand side.

[-Scribe in Style-]

The art is in the lack of fluidity, it gives it the zest of meaning! :)

[Winters_Lost_Walk]

The poem is actually very realistic. How easy is it for one to fall back in the arms of the ones she loves? Even though probably she swore never to do it again. I love the way you expressed your emotions, and compared them to nature, like the following:

"When the light of your sun
Slowly burned me down
To black, wispy ashes
That dance in the wind"

I also really like the verse which follows. I know how that feels actually, it's pretty normal to feel like that I guess, or at least, I feel like that too sometimes.

"You took everything in me,
That used to have a glow."

Amazing writing =) Really enjoyed reading it.

[.......]

this is sad really, i feel like it's made out to be of someone you can't trust. You did a splendid job on this write.

[misha]

Wow, this is really great. Keep up the work!

[ScarlettTheDreamer]

That was nice, I interpreted it as someone feeling the one they trust not strong enough. And yes, some lines and phrases were really good. Loved it :)

[☯]

The first time I read this, it was amazing. I loved your detail, and your strong words. Your imagery is fantastic, and you did a really good job. I especially loved this line:
"You threw me in the ocean,
I died in the waves."
Excellent! :)

[Tasha]

This was a really good poem.

I’ll be your ghost,

until you’re out of my mind.

This was amazing!