Prince Dunshire

A comedy about torture...What?

Setting: [Lord Hamshire's castle, torture chambers.  The walls of oppressive brick are lit dimly by large bowls of fire atop small pedestals which line the walls.  The fire reflects off of the floor, wet with blood and the drippings of a leaking ceiling.  Several prisoners are chained to the wall, moaning.   In the foreground a prisoner is chained, spread eagle, to an upright stone slab.  The prisoner is Dennis Prince of Dunshire, he looks fairly new, in that he hasn't been emaciated by lack of food yet.  In front of him is a man in a black hood facing a table covered with horrible instruments of torture.]

Prisoner on the slab:  Can we get this over with, I really have somewhere I need to be right now.

Torturer:  Silence whelp!  (turning and slamming his hand on the table.)

Prisoner:  Actually it's Dennis.  You know, Prince of Dunshire?

Torturer:  (cackles maniacly)  I care not ye lineage prisoner, I prefer to get my information the hard way.  (he holds up a pair of thumb screws.)

Dennis:  Right....(unconvinced)

Torturer:  What's that supposed to mean!

Dennis:  Oh, it's nothing, just I thought the laughing was a tad bit over dramatic.

Torturer:  So, what does that matter?

Dennis:  Well, I was just wondering what exactly was with this kind of over the top scary guy act.  I mean stands to reason it just means you don't really have any authority in real life.

Torturer:  What!?  Of course I have authority, I am the master of this dungeon!

Lord Hamshire:  (Clammers in, dressed in a robe as if he were about to go to bed.  He is short with a long beard and a rather wide stomach.)  What the hell is with the shouting down here, I'm trying to sleep G'D****t!

Torturer:  Sire, if I may, this is the torture chamber after all there's bound to be scream-

Lord H:  Ah-sh-shsh dont say that!

Torturer:  Say what?

Lord H:  You know the T-Word.

Torturer:  Tortur-

Lord H:  Sh-shh yes, that don't say it.  We're trying to keep up our image.

Torturer:  So what should we call it?

Lord H:  Enhanced Interigation Techniques.

Torturer:  But sire how exactly does that help us with our, our 'Image?'

Lord H:  Why it puts people at ease.

Torturer:  I don't know-

Lord H:  Certainly watch.  (Pointing at Dennis,)  You, doesn't Enhanced Interigation Techniques put you at ease.

Dennis:  Not particulary.  Mabye you should go wih something a little less mechanical and a little more euphamismic, like 'Fiendly information extraction get-togethers.'

Lord H:  Hmmm... I like that

Torturer:  But sire-

Lord H:  (looking around,)  My God, I had no idea we had so many prisoners.

Torturer:  Well, um, technically we don't m'lord, I hired them.  They're actors, I pay them to sit around looking emaciated and moan, sort of an ambiance thing , kind of makes the chamber more homey.

Lord H:  And why exactly is there blood all over the floor?  I thought I ordered you to lay a little, dead prisoners don't talk after all.

Torturer:  Sorry m'lord, I get carried away sometimes.

Lord H:  Well don't let it happen again.  (he stalks out of the dungeon.)

Dennis:  (Begins to laugh.)  So what were we talking about again?

Torturer:  Oh don't think this changes anything, you filth ridden maggot!  (Pulls out a hot poker from a fire burning close to the table.)  Let's see how funny you think this is.  (Stabs the prisoner with the poker.)

Dennis:GAAARRGGGHHH!  LOUDSHOUTINGAAAHHH!  (As deliberate and lound as possible, still has a smile on his face.)

Torturer:  What was that last one!?

Dennis:  I beleive it was Garrgh.

Torturer:  Like hell it was!

Lord H:  (Bursts through the door.)  What are you doing down here!?

Torturer:  I was erm- Intaregateing the prisoner.

Lord H:  Well you don't have to be so loud about it do you.

Torturer:  But sire, it's my job to make the b*****d scream. 

Lord H:  Ahh-ah no.  No!  It is not your job to keep me up at night.

Torturer:Well why in God's name would you have your room put so close to the torture chamber th-

Lord H:  (Gasps.)  I told you not to say that, I did!  In fact, you know what you're done for today, go on get out of here!

Torturer:  But, but, could I just rip off a n****e?  Break an arm?

Lord H:  No! Out!

Torturer:  Scald his testicles?  (Dennis behind him makes a horrified face.)

Lord H:  Mabye tommorow, but for now get out.

Torturer:  (childishly.)  Oh alright, as you wish m'lord.  (He sulks out of the chamber as well as Lord H.  The lights all blow out.)

....

Actor1:  Umm...Is anyone  coming back for us? 

Actor2:  Hello? 

Actor3:  These are real shackles you know!

Dennis:  Come on guys, I mean just look at it this way... (begins to sing:)

                 Life's a piece of s**t, when you look at it.  

                 Life's a laugh and death's a joke. It's true-

 

Actor2: Well then shouldn't death come first?

 

Dennis:You'll see it's all a show.  Keep 'em laughing as you go. 

              Just remember that the last laugh is on you-

               

Actor1: I don't see anything particularly funny about this.

 

Dennis:And...( begins to whistle 'always look on the bright side of life.' From Life of Brian.)

              Always look on the bright side of life...always look on the bright side of life.

 

Actor3:  I don't know if you noticed, but there's nothing particularly bright about a dungeon.

 

Dennis:(continues to whistle)

 

Actor1:  Oh come off it!

 

Actor2:  Shut up!

 

Actor3:  Oi, quit whistling!

 

(Dennis continues to whistle)

-End-

Author's Note

Alright first post in quite a while but here you go. Please tell me what jokes work and don't work, your opinion matters here.

Reviews

[Lauren Marie]

I personally love skits, and I think this one was very funny.

One suggestion though, right after the setting, describe what the characters look like, since usually at the beginning of skits there's a list of all the actors/characters.

Wonderful piece. I can see this on Saturday Night Live!
~Lauren
P.S. Took me a while to get Scott's joke, but now I understand it and I agree--it would add a nice touch.
Keep writing!

[Renesmee Carlie Cullen]

Good but a little to much language if ya know what I mean. But I'm not upset about the language.

[Succubi]

laughing out loud. this was cute. funny and humorous in such a dark setting i will say. i thought it was going to be more serious be you blew my mind with this number i will say. i wasn't expecting that...especially the lord bitching that it keeps him late at night, most rulers see it the other way around.

but what i LOVED most about this is the satire behind it. i don't know if this was even on your mind when you wrote this but i loved your number on "enhanced interrogation techniques", because that is what the Bush Administration and the CIA used to substitute for the word torture, even though we are not blind and we know it is torture...you made a funny twist on a serious issue, but hidden we still see the seriousness of it...THAT WAS AWESOME!!!!

very humorous, very creative, very satirical and political to...great piece!

[Renesmee Carlie Cullen]

Again this isn't something I would be into, but I like the script you did here.
I hope you make more and maybe make a different type of these.

[Lyzzy Redd]

Hehe, VERY entertaining. A very good entry for the contest. =)


There were some spelling and grammar errors at times, but I couldn't stop giggling. I could seriously see this onstage.


VERY well done, and we'll see how the contest turns out. ;)

[Scott Free]

Hurrah! I love it!
It could use a good deal of editing (interigation is spelled interrogation, for one), but I think if you read it through aloud, you would find all of the errors and change them.
I had one suggestion;
Dennis: Come on guys I mean Life's a piece of s**t, when you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's a joke.
This line was interesting, but I think you could add on to it. Make it funnier. Say, something like,
Dennis: Come on, guys, I mean, life's a piece of s**t, when you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's a joke.
Actor 1: In that case, death should come first and life afterward.
A joke that you need to think about to get, but I still think it might work. I don't know. That's my suggestion.
Good luck with this. As always, your skits are HIGHLY amusing. :D

~S