First meetings - chapter one

First meetings - chapter one

A Chapter by AliceBarnes
"

Where Patroclus and Aedia first meet

"

Chapter one ~ In the time of Achilles 

Phthia, Greece 1190BC, three years before the Trojan war


Aedia had been heading down from the hilltops of Phthia into the city the day that she met Patroclus. Her sandals disturbing the dry earth from the late spring heat, as the sun bore down on her pale complexion, Aedia clutched to her leather purse tightly, choosing to take the path that ran alongside the ruins of a once grand temple. It was only when she drew nearer that Aedia began to hear clashing sounds and male voices that she briefly paused, frowning as she tried to distinguish in her thoughts who it might be.


Unable to recognise either of the two voices she continued down the rocky path, spotting two figures training with wooden swords amongst the ruins. Not wishing either of them to see her, Aedia was quick to hide behind the nearby olive tree, opting to peek from around the safety of its dry, brittle bark, watching in fascination and awe as they sparred. Their skin sleek with sweat and their muscles rippling beneath their tunic's as they dodged each other's attacks, Aedia couldn't help but remain where she was, despite the little voice within her urging her to leave before they found her. 


The fresh salty breeze blowing in from the harbour gently pushed her chestnut waves away from her face and caused her pale blue Peplos gown to billow behind her. As a few moments turned into minutes, Aedia continued to watch as they fought one another, relentless in their attacks, neither one seemed to want to give in, despite the heat of the late afternoon. Suddenly, they disappeared around a corner of the ruins, Aedia's eyes frantically searched for any signs of movement, but to no avail, perhaps they had noticed her presence and left. Sighing, she turned to leave, being faced with a wooden sword pointed at her throat and an equally dangerous looking man behind it.


"What do you think you are doing?" He asked as a soft smirk tugged at his lips, his light brown hair ruffled from the training session. Aedia took a step backwards, colliding with the tree and stumbling into it as she attempted to get as far away as possible, dropping her purse in the process.


"I-I was just heading into town. I heard voices and wished to know who they belonged to" As he lowered his sword to his side, Aedia suppressed the urge to fix her hair, never before had any man let alone a stranger, made her feel as though she wanted to look her best, but he was handsome, perhaps the most handsome of all the men she had ever met. The young man smiled, looking to the ground before flicking his eyes back up to meet hers. 


"I suppose I should let you be on your way then" He stooped down to the ground and picked up her leather purse filled with coins ready for her to buy the weeks food for Aedia and her father. She smiled gratefully, taking it from him and brushing past him, starting once more down the path, daring to glance back over her shoulder and catch him watching her leave. A girly smile tugged at her lips for the rest of the walk into the city.

*** 

Later that evening, In the city of Phthia, candles shone brightly, lining the streets and waterside as the locals danced and sang, all in praise of spring and what fruits it brought with it. The city was alive with laughter and music that resonated into the night air. A full moon in the sky and a drink of watered down wine in her hand, Aedia joined in on the festivities with her friends, Achima and Eos, who happily chatted away. Aedia's attention moved from her friends after catching a familiar face across the dancing crowd. The man she had met earlier stood silently watching her, and for a fleeting moment, their eyes met, until the dancers blocked Aedia's view. 


"Ah, that would be Patroclus. Cousin of Achilles." Achima answered Aedia's curious look in the spot where Patroclus had been only a few moments ago. "Untouchable, devastatingly handsome, and from what I hear single"


"I think I need another drink" Aedia stood and made for the wine on the nearby table, having to work her way through the crowds of people to get there. On the way there, her father, Helios, an ex-Greek soldier stopped her from going any further, placing a loving arm around her shoulders.


"I am so glad I found you, I have someone I wish you to meet" She reluctantly allowed herself to be guided away from the wine table and to a group of her father's friends. Being unable to resist keeping an eye out for who she knew now to be Patroclus on the way there. "Dymas, this is my daughter, Aedia" The group of men turned to her, and the youngest of them all smiled warmly, his cheeks had flushed a deep red from the heavy wine consumption throughout the evening.


"Aedia, me and your father once fought together, he has protected me from many of my foes. It is an honour to finally meet you" He bowed his head politely as she curtsied in return, hoping that she would be able to excuse herself soon. Several minutes passed where Aedia was forced to listen to their constant talking and slurred speech until she found an opportune moment to leave the group. Having finally made it to the wine table, she poured herself another goblet. 


"I see you finally escaped" A voice broke through the music and laughter from behind her. Aedia was quick to turn to greet the owner of the voice, coming face to face with Patroclus. 


"We meet again. I was half wondering when we would cross paths" Aedia gave a quick glance to the people around them, who were all occupied with their own conversations. He gestured for her to follow him as he proceeded to move away from the crowds to the beach. Peacefully, they walked side by side as the waves battered the shore. How Aedia loved the sound. 


"I hope you did not think I was intruding earlier...when you found me by the olive tree" Patroclus smiled shaking his head no, placing his arms behind his back as his blue eyes moved out to sea. His lips lifting at the corners in a discreet smile as he remembered the afternoon's events. 


"I expect you liked what you saw..."Patroclus's eyes lit up mischievously as he grinned over at Aedia, awaiting her answer impatiently. For several moments, Aedia stood in shock, before she too began to smile. 


"If you must know, I was much more entranced by what Achilles was doing" Despite Patroclus's smile growing wider, he lifted an eyebrow questioningly as they trudged through the thick sand down to where the waves were colliding with the beach. 

"I don't believe you, especially when I was so obviously winning" Aedia let out a laugh, frowning slightly in thought. Oblivious to the intense gaze Patroclus was sending her.


"I seem to recall you being about to lose..." From behind them, a voice sounded, causing the moment to be broken and Patroclus's attention to turn to the man who was coming to a stop beside them. 


"Cousin, you left the party, you're missing all the fun-" The man's eyes flickered over to Aedia in curiosity as she looked to her sandals, crossing an arm over her chest. 

"Who is this?" He asked, sending a teasing smile to Patroclus, who also looked away in embarrassment. 


"I don't know. We only just met today" At that, Aedia lifted her eyes up from her sandals to him, having forgotten that she had not yet told him her name.


"Aedia" She said softly, speaking to both men but keeping her eyes fixed on Patroclus, who smiled gently over at her, the wind softly rustling his hair making him seem all the more ethereal to her. 


"Patroclus" He replied, before looking to the man beside them, who stood hands on his hips and a cocky boyish grin on his lips as he looked on in amusement. 

"Well, I am glad I found you before anything too serious happened" He mocked, being met with a scowl from Patroclus, as the two shared a look.


"You must be Achilles" Aedia spoke up, causing the fair-haired man to turn to her. He nodded proudly, most likely expecting her to fawn over his accomplishments, like the many women he had met before her had. 


"I am" His eyes flicked over to Patroclus who merely huffed in response, crossing his arms over his chest, waiting for the moment she started to ask Achilles question after question until she forgot about him completely. 


"I have heard about you" Aedia started, having already reached the conclusion that she preferred the Achilles she had heard about in the stories and songs, as opposed to the Achilles who now stood before her, cocky and brash. "They say that you are immortal, that your mother is a sea nymph, and-"


"And?" His voice was deep, his bronzed skin standing out from the blue of his outfit, as with raised his eyebrows he waited eagerly for what she was going to say next. Taking a deep breath, Aedia went on. 


"And that you, strong and talented as you are, have a habit of bedding any woman you can find" Pleased with the shocked response she had received from both men, Aedia left, unbeknownst to her, Patroclus's eyes had followed her in awe until she was no longer in sight. Few men dared to insult Achilles, and fewer women still...




© 2017 AliceBarnes



Author's Note

AliceBarnes
I hope you enjoyed this first chapter and thank you so much for reading! I apologise for any grammar problems but this is only a first draft, and once the story is finished I will go back and edit it everything. Feel free to leave a review down below on your thoughts!

My Review

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Featured Review

Oooh! Insulting Achilles! I wonder what THAT will lead to! I'm totally ignorant of Greek mythology and literature, so this will all be a surprise to me. I commend you for describing your characters in enough detail that even someone who has no knowledge of the myths can picture the different personalities and appearances. I look forward to seeing where this will go.

Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AliceBarnes

4 Months Ago

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! Thanks for the feedback as well as taking the time to r.. read more



Reviews

Hi there! So, along with quite a few grammatical mistakes, I think you need to research ancient Greek customs a bit further. Women were not shown anywhere near the level of respect Aedia was given. They weren't allowed to dine with men. They weren't allowed to gallivant around with men, or really go out by themselves. When they did go out they had to wear head wraps, especially if married. This story just doesn't really reflect the values and customs of Ancient Greece that well, and as that is center to your story, it's paramount you get that right. As it stands now, it isn't very believable. But you're not a bad writer so I'd definitely recommend continuing to brush up your knowledge of Ancient Greece and then revisiting this idea. Sorry if I'm being harsh, but I'm just trying to be honest.

Posted 2 Weeks Ago


AliceBarnes

2 Weeks Ago

Hiya yourself! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I know that Ancient Greece was not a gre.. read more
Kayla

2 Weeks Ago

I get that. Thanks for not becoming upset at my comment, I'm glad you stuck to what you wanted to do.. read more
This was very well written and you made me feel like I was actually there. I love these types of stories and absolutely loved the story of Achilles. This is great.

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AliceBarnes

3 Weeks Ago

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review! I really wasn't expecting you to so it rea.. read more
I love the way you tell the story, as if you are actually there with the characters. You give little details which make it very real. An ancient story, but you make it very readable. Well done.

Posted 4 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AliceBarnes

4 Weeks Ago

Thank you so much for such a kind review, I really appreciate you having taken the time to read and .. read more
Always a fan of Greek mythology.Even though I know how this story ends it is very interesting how you have written the point of view of these characters. I also enjoy that there's a story and a way of life before the war.a well written beginning

Posted 4 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This comment has been deleted by the poster.
AliceBarnes

4 Weeks Ago

I had to delete my last comment just for the sake of other readers who haven't seen the film or do n.. read more
A very good tale so far. I'm a fan of myth and tale. Great characters and interesting story line. I wanted to know and read more. I will come back and read more tonight. Thank you for sharing the amazing opening chapter.
Coyote

Posted 4 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AliceBarnes

4 Weeks Ago

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review my story! I hope you are enjoying it so far.. read more
Coyote Poetry

4 Weeks Ago

I did enjoy and I will more tonight. Grandchildren are here and raising some cane.
I honestly don't prefer love stories or tales of love but I am a huge fan of Greek culture, mythology, and history. With that being said, I really enjoyed this first chapter. You described your characters very well. So well that I could picture their appearances and through dialogue see them fit to inhabiting Thessaly. Like I said before, this isn't my usual read but I will definitely continue to read your work.

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AliceBarnes

1 Month Ago

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I am a big fan of Greek mythology and so I hope that I .. read more
Final-Karma

1 Month Ago

No problem! I think you will do just fine. I really look forward to the rest.
Alice Hi. I agree with the other comments in their praise for creating an opening which starts to colour the characters and gives us early glimpses of how they may develop. I sense that her family may not be keen on her getting involved with Patrocius, and that Achilles will be a dark force as the story unfolds ...

However, I found myself very often tripping up on your phrasing and punctuation. I would then go back, re-read, and work out what you meant. I found this rather disruptive to the flow of reading. A couple of examples:

- Suddenly, they disappeared around a corner of the ruins, Aedia's eyes frantically searched for any signs of movement, but to no avail, perhaps they had noticed her presence and left. ... You have this as one sentence. To me it's three, and needs full stops to help the reader with when to pause.

- Being unable to resist keeping an eye out for who she knew now to be Patroclus on the way there ... By this stage I was getting used to your use of 'ing' verbs to help paint pictures and then there was this one, which is not a sentence.

I can be a bit nerdy about this kind of thing, and I'm certainly not suggesting you change the style you've adopted. However, you do seem to like multi clause sentences with lots of 'ing' verbs, so I do suggest re-reading to take care that each sentence is really a sentence and that its meaning is clear. As I say, this is partly punctuation, and partly phrasing.

I hope this helps, but do bear in mind that several feedbacks have said nothing but positive things, so don't take too much notice of the comments from a traditionally taught 65 year old.

Regards
Nigel

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AliceBarnes

1 Month Ago

Thank you so much for reading and leaving a review, it is very kind of you. I know I have a lot to l.. read more
A love story in an ancient Greek setting! Once more, the characterisation is great and I can relate with the characters closely. Very engrossing in its details and with fluid narration. I like the spirit of Aedia. She could be a girl from the 21st century. A very fine read indeed.

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AliceBarnes

1 Month Ago

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I was hoping that she would not become annoying if she .. read more
DIVYA

1 Month Ago

Let her character gradually unfold. So she can be everything in small doses. You are welcome Alice, .. read more
hi I like your style I write about gods and vampires and really love your sentence structure and grammer and how you have greek names

Posted 4 Months Ago


AliceBarnes

4 Months Ago

Thank you! I am glad you like my story. I would review your work in return and take a look but since.. read more
Oooh! Insulting Achilles! I wonder what THAT will lead to! I'm totally ignorant of Greek mythology and literature, so this will all be a surprise to me. I commend you for describing your characters in enough detail that even someone who has no knowledge of the myths can picture the different personalities and appearances. I look forward to seeing where this will go.

Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AliceBarnes

4 Months Ago

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! Thanks for the feedback as well as taking the time to r.. read more

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Added on July 12, 2017
Last Updated on November 5, 2017


Author

AliceBarnes
AliceBarnes

Bristol, South west, United Kingdom



About
I love reading, daydreaming, horse riding and going for long walks. Frosty spring mornings and cool autumn evenings are my favorite. I love to write as I find it allows me to escape modern life and ti.. more..

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