Chapter One ~ First meeting

Chapter One ~ First meeting

A Chapter by AliceBarnes

"Some stories last a lifetime, for others, they will be remembered for centuries. For Aedia and Patroclus, their story would last thousands of years". Aedia and Patroclus first meet during the spring of 1190BC, three years before the Trojan war. With tensions rising throughout Greece it is a dangerous time to fall in love. Witness the tragic love between Aedia and Patroclus, cousin of Achilles.


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"When I saw you first, it took every ounce of me not to kiss you. When I saw you laugh, it took every ounce of me not to fall in love. And when I saw your soul it took every ounce of me" ~ Atticus 


Chapter one ~ In the time of Achilles 

Phthia, Greece 1190BC, three years before the Trojan war


The day that Aedia met Patroclus signalled a new beginning in her life, a new chapter. Little did she know of what was to come.

Her sandals disturbed the earth leaving a trail of dust to float off into the blue sky above. The sun bore down on her pale complexion, the sea breeze running through her hair like a lovers breath. Whether by fate or by choice, she came across an ancient temple along the cliffside. In the distance, wooden swords clashed, the sound echoed throughout the temple. 

Deep voices drifted over to her, their laughter catching her attention. Moving closer over the rocky path, Aedia hid behind an olive tree, opting to watch the two men from behind the safety of its dry, brittle bark, as they sparred one another. Their skin was sleek with sweat, their muscles rippled beneath their tunic's as they dodged one another's attacks.

A soft wind blowing in from the harbour pushed Aedia's chestnut waves away from her face, her light blue gown billowing behind her. They won't notice me if I only stay for a few moments. A few moments turned into minutes and Aedia continued to watch as they fought one another, relentless in their attacks. Neither one seemed to want to give in despite the heat of the late afternoon. They disappeared around a corner of the ruins, Aedia searched for any signs of movement, but to no avail, perhaps they had noticed her presence and left. She turned to leave, her face inches away from the blunt edge of a wooden sword that was pointed at her neck.

"What do you think you are doing?" He asked, a soft, tantalising smirk tugging at his lips, his brown hair ruffled from the training session. Aedia took a step backwards, colliding with the tree and stumbling into it as she attempted to get as far away as possible, dropping her purse in the process.

"I...I was just heading into town. I heard voices and wished to know who they belonged to" As he lowered his sword to his side. The young man smiled, looking at the ground before flicking his eyes back up to meet hers.

"I suppose I should let you be on your way then" He stooped down and picked up her leather purse filled with coins ready for her to buy dinner for her and her father. She smiled gratefully, taking it from his hand, their fingers touching ever so lightly as she did so. Brushing past him, Aedia started once more down the path, daring to glance back over her shoulder. He was already looking at her. A girly smile tugged at her lips for the rest of the walk into the city.

***

Later that evening, In the city of Pthia, candles shone brightly, lining the streets and waterside as the locals danced and sang. It was all in praise of spring and the fruits it brought with it. The city was alive with laughter and music that resonated into the night air. A full moon in the sky while below Aedia joined in on the festivities with her friends, Achima and Eos. Aedia's attention moved from her friends after she caught a glimpse of a familiar face across the dancing crowd. The man she had met earlier stood silently watching her, and for a fleeting moment, their eyes met, until the dancers blocked Aedia's view.

"Ah, that would be Patroclus. Cousin of Achilles-" Achima answered Aedia's curious look in the now vacant spot where Patroclus had been only a few moments ago. "-Untouchable, devastatingly handsome, and from what I hear single"

"I think I need another drink" Aedia stood and made for the wine on the nearby table, fighting her way through the large crowds. On the way there, her father, Helios, an ex-Greek soldier stopped her from going any further, placing a loving arm around her shoulders.

"I am so glad I found you, I have someone I would like you to meet" She reluctantly allowed herself to be guided away from the wine table and towards a group of her father's friends. All the while searching for Patroclus among the crowd.

"Dymas, this is my daughter, Aedia" The group of men turned to her, the youngest of them all smiled warmly, his cheeks had flushed a deep red from the heavy wine consumption throughout the evening.

"Aedia, me and your father once fought together, he has protected me from many of my foes. It is an honour to finally meet you" He bowed his head politely as she curtsied in return, hoping that she would be able to excuse herself soon. Several minutes passed where Aedia was forced to listen to their constant talking and slurred speech until she found an opportune moment to leave the group. Having finally made it to the wine table, she poured herself another goblet.

"I see you finally escaped" A voice broke through the music and laughter from behind her. She turned to face the owner. 

"We meet again. I was half wondering when we would cross paths" Aedia gave a quick glance to the people around them, who were all occupied with their own conversations. Patroclus gestured for her to follow him as he proceeded to move away from the crowds and toward the beach. Peacefully, they walked side by side as the waves washed up against the sand. How Aedia loved the sound.

"I hope you did not think I was intruding earlier...when you found me by the olive tree" Patroclus smiled shaking his head no, placing his arms behind his back as his blue eyes moved out to sea. His lips lifting at the corners in a discreet smile as he remembered the afternoon's events.

"I expect you liked what you saw..."Patroclus's eyes lit up mischievously as he grinned over at Aedia. For several moments, Aedia stood in shock, before she too began to smile.

"If you must know, I was much more entranced by what Achilles was doing" Despite Patroclus's smile growing wider, he lifted an eyebrow questioningly as they trudged through the thick sand closer to the waves.

"I don't believe you, especially when I was so obviously winning" Aedia let out a laugh, frowning slightly in thought. Oblivious to the intense gaze of Patroclus.

"I seem to recall you being about to lose..." From behind them, a voice sounded, causing the moment to be broken and Patroclus's attention to turn to the man who was coming to a stop beside them.

"Cousin, you left the party, you're missing all the fun-" The man's eyes flickered over to Aedia in curiosity as she averted her eyes to her sandals.

"Who is this?" He asked, sending a teasing smile to Patroclus, who was quick to look away.

"I don't know. We only just met today" At that, Aedia lifted her eyes up from her sandals to him, having forgotten that she had not yet told him her name.

"Aedia" She said softly, speaking to both men but keeping her eyes fixed on Patroclus, who smiled gently over at her, the wind softly rustling his hair making him seem all the more ethereal to her.

"Patroclus" He replied, before looking to the man beside them, who stood hands on his hips and a cocky, boyish grin playing on his lips as he looked on in amusement.

"Well, I am glad I found you before anything too serious happened" He mocked, being met with a scowl from Patroclus as the two shared a look.

"You must be Achilles" Aedia spoke up, causing the fair-haired man to turn to her. He nodded proudly, most likely expecting her to fawn over his accomplishments, just as the many women before her had.

"I am" He glanced over to Patroclus who merely huffed in response, crossing his arms over his chest, waiting for the moment she forgot about Patroclus and began to fawn over Achilles.

"I have heard about you-" Aedia started, having already reached the conclusion that she preferred the Achilles she had heard about in the stories and songs, as opposed to the Achilles who now stood before her, cocky and brash. "-They say that you are immortal, that your mother is a sea nymph and-"

"And?" His voice was deep, his bronzed skin stood out from the blue of his outfit. His eyebrows raised as he waited eagerly for what she was going to say next.

"And that you, strong and talented as you are, have a habit of bedding any woman you can find" Secretly pleased with the shocked response she had received from both men, Aedia returned to the party. Unbeknownst to her, Patroclus's eyes had followed her in awe until she was no longer in sight. Few men dared to insult Achilles and fewer women still.





© 2018 AliceBarnes



Author's Note

AliceBarnes
I hope you enjoyed this first chapter and thank you so much for reading! I apologise for any grammar problems but this is only a first draft, and once the story is finished I will go back and edit it everything. Feel free to leave a review down below on your thoughts!

My Review

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Featured Review

Alice Hi. I agree with the other comments in their praise for creating an opening which starts to colour the characters and gives us early glimpses of how they may develop. I sense that her family may not be keen on her getting involved with Patrocius, and that Achilles will be a dark force as the story unfolds ...

However, I found myself very often tripping up on your phrasing and punctuation. I would then go back, re-read, and work out what you meant. I found this rather disruptive to the flow of reading. A couple of examples:

- Suddenly, they disappeared around a corner of the ruins, Aedia's eyes frantically searched for any signs of movement, but to no avail, perhaps they had noticed her presence and left. ... You have this as one sentence. To me it's three, and needs full stops to help the reader with when to pause.

- Being unable to resist keeping an eye out for who she knew now to be Patroclus on the way there ... By this stage I was getting used to your use of 'ing' verbs to help paint pictures and then there was this one, which is not a sentence.

I can be a bit nerdy about this kind of thing, and I'm certainly not suggesting you change the style you've adopted. However, you do seem to like multi clause sentences with lots of 'ing' verbs, so I do suggest re-reading to take care that each sentence is really a sentence and that its meaning is clear. As I say, this is partly punctuation, and partly phrasing.

I hope this helps, but do bear in mind that several feedbacks have said nothing but positive things, so don't take too much notice of the comments from a traditionally taught 65 year old.

Regards
Nigel

Posted 1 Year Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

AliceBarnes

1 Year Ago

Thank you so much for reading and leaving a review, it is very kind of you. I know I have a lot to l.. read more



Reviews

I love where you placed the story, its like going back in time.

Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AliceBarnes

10 Months Ago

Thank you! And thanks so much for reading and reviewing I hope you are enjoying the story so far.
This was so much fun to read! I think that Aedia is a character that I'm going to feel like I can relate to as the story progresses, and I already share her interest in Patroclus. Achilles is going to be a fun character as well, but I'm betting that he'll be something of an antagonist at some point. (Still fun!) Your writing style is so easy to latch onto. You suck the reader in right away. I'm so excited to read the next chapters!

Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AliceBarnes

10 Months Ago

Thank so, so much for leaving such a lovely review! I am so glad you enjoyed this first chapter, it .. read more
On reading this first chapter I have a few thoughts. Firstly, this is a far cry from Homer's The Odyssey and for that I am truly grateful. Not that there is anything wrong with the Odyssey it is just a difficult and long winded read, whereas your story is easy to understand and enjoyable so far. Secondly the character Aedia has my attention, pretty sure I will really like her. Bottom line, I shall be back to read more, my friend. Excellent starting setup!

Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AliceBarnes

10 Months Ago

Thank you so much for coming back and reading this chapter! I have been reading the Iliad and it is .. read more
Your narrative and descriptive skills are so refined that I was drawn into this story deeper n deeper, honestly, with every next sentence I read. Brilliant...High praise.

Posted 10 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AliceBarnes

10 Months Ago

Thank you so much for leaving a review, I really appreciate it! And such a lovely one at that! I'm g.. read more
Hi there! So, along with quite a few grammatical mistakes, I think you need to research ancient Greek customs a bit further. Women were not shown anywhere near the level of respect Aedia was given. They weren't allowed to dine with men. They weren't allowed to gallivant around with men, or really go out by themselves. When they did go out they had to wear head wraps, especially if married. This story just doesn't really reflect the values and customs of Ancient Greece that well, and as that is center to your story, it's paramount you get that right. As it stands now, it isn't very believable. But you're not a bad writer so I'd definitely recommend continuing to brush up your knowledge of Ancient Greece and then revisiting this idea. Sorry if I'm being harsh, but I'm just trying to be honest.

Posted 1 Year Ago


AliceBarnes

1 Year Ago

Hiya yourself! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I know that Ancient Greece was not a gre.. read more
Mika Franolich

1 Year Ago

I get that. Thanks for not becoming upset at my comment, I'm glad you stuck to what you wanted to do.. read more
This was very well written and you made me feel like I was actually there. I love these types of stories and absolutely loved the story of Achilles. This is great.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AliceBarnes

1 Year Ago

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review! I really wasn't expecting you to so it rea.. read more
I love the way you tell the story, as if you are actually there with the characters. You give little details which make it very real. An ancient story, but you make it very readable. Well done.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AliceBarnes

1 Year Ago

Thank you so much for such a kind review, I really appreciate you having taken the time to read and .. read more
Always a fan of Greek mythology.Even though I know how this story ends it is very interesting how you have written the point of view of these characters. I also enjoy that there's a story and a way of life before the war.a well written beginning

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This comment has been deleted by the poster.
AliceBarnes

1 Year Ago

I had to delete my last comment just for the sake of other readers who haven't seen the film or do n.. read more
A very good tale so far. I'm a fan of myth and tale. Great characters and interesting story line. I wanted to know and read more. I will come back and read more tonight. Thank you for sharing the amazing opening chapter.
Coyote

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AliceBarnes

1 Year Ago

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review my story! I hope you are enjoying it so far.. read more
Coyote Poetry

1 Year Ago

I did enjoy and I will more tonight. Grandchildren are here and raising some cane.
I honestly don't prefer love stories or tales of love but I am a huge fan of Greek culture, mythology, and history. With that being said, I really enjoyed this first chapter. You described your characters very well. So well that I could picture their appearances and through dialogue see them fit to inhabiting Thessaly. Like I said before, this isn't my usual read but I will definitely continue to read your work.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

AliceBarnes

1 Year Ago

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I am a big fan of Greek mythology and so I hope that I .. read more
Final-Karma

1 Year Ago

No problem! I think you will do just fine. I really look forward to the rest.

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Added on July 12, 2017
Last Updated on May 31, 2018


Author

AliceBarnes
AliceBarnes

Bristol, South west, United Kingdom



About
I love reading, daydreaming, horse riding and going for long walks. Frosty spring mornings and cool autumn evenings are my favorite. I love to write as I find it allows me to escape modern life and ti.. more..

Writing
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A Chapter by AliceBarnes


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A Chapter by AliceBarnes



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