Missing Heart

This is my first attempt in this style (villanelle), thanks to Mark... I hope it works...

Dreams of embraces are miles apart.

We shared our youth on that first fateful day,

I promise my love I’ll return for your heart.

 

We traveled, tasted, and tried to be smart.

April has passed and cascaded to May.

Dreams of embraces are miles apart

 

Trestled and leaf-like, we dared to restart.

All the good deeds and desires would stay.

I promise my love I’ll return for your heart.

 

Touches and kisses that dare to depart;                                  

will soon be alerted and find their way.

Dreams of embraces are miles apart.

 

Palpable landings and paths will rechart.           

Nothing can act like a miracle play.

I promise my love I’ll return for your heart.

 

Sculpted, molded, and painted fine art;

remembering moments beyond display.

Dreams of embraces are miles apart

I promise my love I’ll return for your heart.

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

April 29, 2013
Photo: Siesta Key, Sarasota (January 20, 2013

Reviews

[Harmonia Chimera]

This is really touching; in a very skillful way you show the innocence and the pain and the hesitancy of love. Villanelle is a very hard form to work with, and it usually turns out to be crude and forced, but your poem flows well and emanataes with good feelings. Great work!

[Shweta Singh]

The rhyme & rhythm oozing with emotions,is so comforting...it calls for so much of warmth & security..this was a new form for me & I enjoyed it thoroughly..

[Marie Anzalone]

The villanelle is a lovely and powerful form- you handled it beautifully here, Allan. The repetition frames a story of determination and living up to past promises. May the author indeed find the wherewithal to return one day to what was stated.

There is such a recurring music in your voice that translates pretty things on paper ....

More I don't need to say.
Excellent.

- Elisa

[Robbie~xoxo~]

This is romantic and conveys a yearning to restart an old flame...one that will never be forgotten.
What a lovely, sad, and beautiful display...heartfelt!

"Dreams of embraces are miles apart.

We shared our youth on that first fateful day,

I promise my love I’ll return for your heart."~Nicely done, my friend.~xoxo~:)

[Renée]

It is fun to read when people experiment..it gives us knowledge of styles & reminds us ..it is ok to give something different a go... I think you did a great job! Thank you for sharing ! ( :

[Melobldnfr]

I really like it, and think you did well, Allen.

[Cascara (aka Sprint Goe..]

I enjoyed the repetition in this poem- it really emphasizes your feelings

I also liked your gentle, yet determined and hopeful tone over here.

Overall, a very sweet and romantic write that was a pleasure to read.

[Mark]

Very nice, Sir! I am always sincerely flattered when someone attempts something because he had liked something I'd done...particularly when he does it so well, and seemingly effortlessly! My emulation of "markymark", after all, was what inspired me to undertake the Villanelle, as was my writing of two sestinas my paean to a Louisiana friend named Travis. I liked your response to Angi: "that's how we grow", and I think that she may have had a point about "we'll" versus "will". "Our paths will rechart" suggests that something is going to happen TO the paths, whereas, "Our paths we'll rechart" more actively indicates something WE (whose antecedent is OUR, after all) are going to do. I'd also like to see the clause "my love" set off either by commas, or a comma and a colon, as "I'll return for your heart" IS the promise made TO "my love". But trivial punctuation considerations notwithstanding, this is a fine, a lovely and a noteworthy verse, and its being your first makes it even more so!

[Allen Smuckler]

Of course Mark I answered this in full and then the computer conked out on me and I lost everything....so I know I won't hit all the points the same way, but here goes..
1st point was will vs. we'll....never thought of we'll but now I am...though it really does change the meaning... will (being done by) vs. we'll (being done to)...I like the affect of both...but I'll decide at another time...though I am leaning toward "we'll"...similar reasoning "to your heart" vs. "for your heart"...
Do I simply want to find my way to your heart and hope "you" let me in or do I actively want to reach your heart and " take"it, if "you" are still interested? I don't know, just asking. "to" just seems too noncommittal, "for" indicates commitment. Comma would def. work. I'll decide later. Thanks for all your thoughtful and helpful insight Mark. Allen

[Angi]

Allen, I really like this. I have also been thinking about attempting Villanelle. I have a germ of an idea that keeps sliding just out of my reach. I read this 3 times and in the 5th stanza, I kept saying, 'Palpable landings and paths WE'LL rechart. I hope you don't mind me telling you that. Anyway, lovely work.

[Allen Smuckler]

Thanks Angi for your comments... I do appreciate them...
I'm not quite sure of your critique bout "will" vs. "well" however... but it was intended to be will. As in our "paths will rechart". perhaps you can expound upon that a little, so I better understand what you're alluding to....
and absolutely NO, I will never mind constructive criticism and reviews. Feel free to say anything and point out anything you see. Offer suggestions as well. I may not always agree...but sometimes I certainly do. It's the way we get better.
allen

[Angi]

My mouth kept saying, ...landings and paths we'll rechart. Like we will do this together. Something with the flow, I think. Not so much a critique as telling you how my mind kept reading it, if that makes sense. I should have kept my trap shut! Ha!

[Allen Smuckler]

Not at all...Now I get it..If I saw the apostrophe, it would have made sense..as it is, it makes a good deal of sense...actually, I don't know...I'll have to think about we'll....sota like it.....we'll see
but for now....
thanks...very helpful
allen

[Angi]

Anytime. I have a feeling I will see you around. Have a good evening, Allen.

[Allen Smuckler]

thanks....et tu....
allen