Tell Him

#43. Dying

 

I never thought I’d be here, choking back tears as I write this apology. I never thought I’d be saying mom - forgive me. I never meant to put you through that hell, but I couldn’t do it alone.
I never thought I’d be listening to the music, tears coursing down my face as I study my escape from feeling this terrible pain in my chest. I hurt mom. I’ve been hurting for months and it just wont go away. It wont go away because of what I did, what I needed to do then, and it hurts even now. It hurts five months on.

It should have been today you know - August 4^th.

How can you not know? How can you not remember? Do you not want to? Do you think I don’t? Why don’t you know how much this is killing me? Why aren’t you here, telling me it’s going to be okay?

I can’t bear this anymore, I just can’t. There’s a hole in the middle of me, and it’s just getting bigger with time.

I didn’t think it would affect me this much… I didn’t think it would affect me at all.

The leaflet says, some women are relieved.

It doesn’t mention anything about this horrible pain. It doesn’t tell you that your heart can still break… It doesn’t tell you that you’ll obsess over it, unable to tell anyone.

It doesn’t tell you that it can hurt so much, you just want to die.

 

I’m done wanting, and mom, I’m sorry.

I just can’t cope. I can’t live this way. I can’t live not whole, knowing that I did that terrible thing, that I killed something so irreplaceable.

 

Please… Tell Him I Love Him, and this is not his fault. Tell him what I did, and what today should have been.

Tell him, he should have been a father.

Reviews

[Prudence Desideria]

Bittersweet tragedy... Beautiful word play, and nice allusions and paralells without giving too much away, before putting down that expected but still gutting line at the end. It's one of those moments when suddenly the air goes out and you just stare at those words over and over again... Great write, and very heartfelt...

...remember what they say, gone but not forgotten. Doesn't have to be a bad thing... xo

[Nazarea]

that's sad...well written, but depressing. (That's not an insult. I often get that about my work) I liked it though.