Laughing Moon

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her nails themselves are stroking a love letter on the naked plains of my body / through my dress / it draws me nearer to her beggar's ink / i can't exactly turn away, i need to finish my homework / on my back / 

on the furious mahogany drawing sharp chill circles through my dress / that hangs off my legs / flutters and kisses my skin with its silk eel touch / goes higher / nothing compared to the fragrance of my task / 

salt necks and cool knees, they meet and greet with a peck on each cheek / all of the sun's breath was too long to wait / it laughs at me through dust ridden windows and cloud nude skies / as it changes for bed / and i cry out in response /
her nails alone / they wander forbidden fields and through dark stoned grasses / through tan stable chocolate chip sand / along teeth-grinding g-spot lands where i have never set hand / inhaling together passion's pollution in the air / mahogany buckles beneath my shuddering wings /
i come / to the moon's telling stare /
the sun probably told the moon about me / about this unprofessional affair / and now the moon has told the stars in cratered chuckles / that's why they're all out for the show / they are whispering and spitting specks of star lust on us
/ i come again /
and she slips off like a wind slapped sheet / kisses me with the soft glide of a dove / with the gnaw of the jaws on the unholy Devil / 

and tells me i'm her favourite student. 

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Reviews

[Clockwork]

This is quite a beautiful poem. It has a deep sense of passion and romance as well. I like it because it is tender and vulnerable and really bears the heart of the experience overall. The first two lines of this poems are my favorite things that I have seen from you. They are so well put together. The word choice is good, the delivery is nice, they are concise and they set the scene well.

My one critique is how the poem ends with that last stanza. I thought that the word choice was a little off with "wind slapped." Also, I don't think that the line "with the gnaw of the jaws on the unholy Devil " really fits here. It really contradicts the beautiful tender and rather pure experience that you have established to that point.

I do really like the end. I think there is a double entendre with the teacher aspect. Either she is the one who teaches you the depth of passion and physical interaction or she is an actual teacher. Both possibilities are really arousing.

[Kyle]

Sweet. The second time was even better.

[Dani]

This is a wonderful poem. I love the passion and the voice. I definitely think your use of the sun and moon is just great. Very beautiful.

[cilla]

Well, isn't this an interesting tale? I have a little difficulty reading this form ... prose poem ... but that is my shortcoming not yours. That said, I think the appeal here is that it is a bad girl story told in a rather casual tone. That the entire cosmos is looking in at this "unprofessional affair" is rather mocking. Sun, Moon and Stars are all captives and all doing her bidding. This bad girl bites her tongue for no one and splashes her dark humor everywhere.

Lolita wields a deceptively powerful sword: a vixen posed as a damsel in distress. Poor teacher holds no power of her own ... hers is but to fulfill the needs of the "favourite student". Once done, she slips off offering kisses of a dove as an offering of peace. But there shall be none of that with this "unholy devil" of a girl.

This, again, is really exceptional writing. You have a wonderful talent for weaving small details into the story making it that much more real and memorable.

Did I say, "Great poem ... I really love this?" Well, I do!

~Cilla~

[Kyle]

Dang..........

This one is super sexual and smoothly erotic. I liked reading this.

[MoriartyMesa]

I have no idea why, and I am sure i am way off the market, but this was the first song to come to mind
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvgYgRDS_ec

[firefly-dreamin]

I love the imagery in this! And the language. Damn girl, this is good! In the most wicked way of course.

[Jonathan Ballam]

An amazing piece of prose poetry. I love the layout you used with the forward slashes, it creates an interesting and unconscious dynamic when it comes to the protagonists thoughts. Whether you did this deliberately or by chance doesn't really matter. You have the guts to be unique.

Your descriptions are fresh and exciting. Two things I would consider changing, first is to use mahogany once and take out the second one. Perhaps you could change the one sentence to "broken buckles beneath my shuddering wings" (just as an example). Secondly the phrase "unholy Devil" doesn't feel right. Perhaps think of a word like callous, or rancid...something with a heavier feeling behind it.

These are after all your words, and it's your poem. Think of these as suggestions and not commandments ;)

[Alpris]

Hey, Christian.

Yeah, I deliberately changed the mood at the end of the poem. It was meant to take a harsh and gloomy turn because she was leaving me and therefore cutting the passionate tie.
As for the end well done for getting my message! That was exactly what I had hoped to convey to the reader.
Many thanks for reviewing :)

[Max Earns]

I'm always a fan of moon poems. In fact I have some myself. I've never read anything quite like this though... I love how it is describe so tenderly sensitive with an edge.