Closing Time

Closing Time

A Story by Andronicus
"

Short Short Story

"

 

Outside it was dusk. Inside, there was a muffled sound of footsteps; a single set of footsteps; making their way down a long corridor. Those footsteps belonged to an elderly gentleman. Bright little spotlights gleamed down on his suit and they flashed off his bald head as he turned a corner, beheld a woman and there came to a stop.

"Good evening beautiful!" He chirped. "We meet yet again."

She gave him a mysterious smile. Almost a smirk; but her eyes never wavered from his. The gentleman stood back clasping his hands before him and regarded her with warmth.

"You have a beautiful smile," he told her softly. "I only wish that you would speak to me and tell me what is going on behind that smile of yours."

There was a silent, mysterious, adoration between the two and they considered one another for quite some time in this fashion.

Presently the gentleman began to murmur quietly.

"I come and speak to you every evening and yet you never speak back. Your eyes follow me everywhere I go. I think you have a secret young lady and I would love to know what it is."

Gazing at her face, he stroked at his chin thoughtfully. "One day I'd like to know what that secret is..."

The gentleman finally turned away and ambled back down the hall, jingling a bunch of keys on a chain.

The lights went out. There was complete darkness in the art gallery and Mona Lisa remained silent; smiling to herself.


© 2016 Andronicus



Author's Note

Andronicus
Appreciate ANY feedback :)

(no, really!)

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Reviews

Simply AMAZING!!!!
It was really great. Leaving a ton of surprise at the end.
"There was complete darkness in the art gallery and Mona Lisa remained silent; smiling to herself."
Oh! Enjoyed reading it sooo much. :)))


Posted 3 Weeks Ago


Yes, nice surprise at the end. One or two quibbles:

"One day I'd like to know what that secret is..."
But from his words before that, he'd like to know the secret now, not 'one day'. Maybe change to "One day I'm going to find out what that secret is."

The story sort of 'cheats' when it treats the mysterious woman as real. I.e. "She GAVE him a mysterious smile", "There was a ...adoration between the two.."; 'they considered one another". Is the Mona Lisa painting in the story actually alive?, (which these phrases imply), or is it only alive in the man's imagination? I think it would be more interesting if this point were made more ambiguous by rephrasing these so they could be read either way.

Posted 4 Months Ago


Andronicus

4 Months Ago

Jerome, thank you so very much for your constructive review. I appreciate you taking the time to mak.. read more
I enjoyed this very much..fun surprise at the end.. only one line I struggled with as it needed some commas..
I think you have a secret, young lady and I would love to know what it is."

Posted 7 Months Ago


Andronicus

7 Months Ago

Thank you Tbear. I appreciate your constructive review. I can see your point! A 'secret young lady' .. read more
As I started reading, at first, I thought that this must an older janitor working in a department store and was speaking to one of his "favorite" mannequin...
later of course we discover that it's a security officer entranced with the Mona Lisa. Sweet little glimpse into this fellow's quiet evening.

Posted 7 Months Ago


Andronicus

7 Months Ago

That was a close guess Raven. :) But it had to be something special to warrant this mans attention. .. read more
I like this... I have to admit I wondered if the woman was a living breathing literal woman (even wondering at one point if she was real but a ghost) but never expected such a well known piece. my only suggestion is to Make

Inside, there was a muffled sound of footsteps; a single set of footsteps;
read as
Inside, there was the muffled sound of a single set of footsteps;

Change it or don't I like this either way

Posted 8 Months Ago


Andronicus

8 Months Ago

Thanks for your constructive review Matthew. I really appreciate that. I did actually play with that.. read more
Matthew Ian Herrawood W

8 Months Ago

that sentence is fine Its just a suggestion and how I personally world write it
This was so cool - It drew me in from the beginning, wondering where it would all go. I loved the build up and was wondering why the woman wouldn't talk.

And then the end - PRETTY DAMN COOL - never saw that coming. Very imaginative - also brough a smile to my face too.
Even though it was a short piece - it certainly packd a punch with the ending being so original.


Mark.

Posted 8 Months Ago


Andronicus

8 Months Ago

Thank you for your very kind review mark. I'm glad it got you wondering and I'm glad you didn't see .. read more
matrixmark

8 Months Ago

Happy to have read a good, solid original piece.

Mark.
As an artist I love this. Great use of detail to slowly build the image of Mona before the big reveal. You are very good at these little scenes. I love how you get so much character and detail into just a few lines. Much respect, my friend.

Posted 9 Months Ago


Andronicus

9 Months Ago

Thank you Octavia. Your review is very kind. I'm glad you liked it and yes, little scenes are my thi.. read more
Octavia

9 Months Ago

Yes, all of the artwork on my page is my own.
Andronicus

9 Months Ago

Nice! :)
aw dang that was a cool twist, for a second there I got hit with the creepy shivers... It's okay though, he's just talking to a painting

clever work!

Posted 9 Months Ago


Andronicus

9 Months Ago

Yes, it's okay. It's just a painting. There there. lol :D Thanks for reading and reviewing Ookpik. G.. read more
Very inventive!

I admit that i did see the ending coming. Anyone who knows what a curator is would probably get an inkling of what the gentleman was talking to in your story.

Still, it is very imaginative and well written as always. He would not be the only person to wonder just what secrets she was holding behind that smile.

Very good writing and a fine short story.



Posted 11 Months Ago


Andronicus

10 Months Ago

Thank you Doodley! Viva la revolución! You're right about the title being a giveaway. Woody pointed.. read more
I really enjoyed this, Andronicus. I was surprised to find out the lady in the story was the Mona Lisa; I thought maybe he was talking to a quiet art lover.

Posted 11 Months Ago


Andronicus

10 Months Ago

Thanks Wolf. I'm glad you enjoyed it & that I managed to surprise you too. :)

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Added on June 28, 2016
Last Updated on November 27, 2016

Author

Andronicus
Andronicus

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“If only you could sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at ev.. more..

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