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This story is rated Mature and may contain material unsuitable for readers under 18.

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I have seen VASTLY better work from you.

Mehh.....While the thoughts of sensuality prevail in this piece, something about the second stanza seems sticky and irksome:

Who would know

beneath the

smart attire,

your skin carries

residue of

our sweat, oil

and secretions

from last night.

"Sweat, oil, and secretions" take away from rather than add to the sensuousness of the piece. The idea of a scent upon a pillow, or the afterglow is something most readers can relate to: going to work in a business suit after a night of passion just makes me think "My God, what kind of man doesn't shower before going to the office? Not to put the piece down or destroy it....on the contrary, it has all the makings of a good piece, but the words "sweat and secretions" quickly bring forth a sense of funkiness. I love your work, but....I don't know about this stanza. Let me re-read it. I am brutally honest when it comes to reviews. We can all find a dozen friends to blow sunshine up our butts....but we never get better when we do that. Just me I guess.

Posted 1 Week Ago