Your Smile

You’ve killed someone. There could be all this prelude into how this happened but it doesn’t change the fact of it. You’ve killed someone and you don’t even realise what you’ve done. In your mind you’re watching the smile, perhaps you’re drunk but of course you’re not. The smile that you so yearned for is all your eyes are set on and you see it fading. Inside you’re screaming, a tumultuous mess and you’re grabbing, at what you don’t know, perhaps it’s memories so you can keep this smile. But it’s going, it’s going and you’re screaming inside but nothing is getting through your lips and you don’t know what to do. You don’t know. You’ve just killed someone for their smile and you don’t know what to do.

 

Maybe the three weeks ago that we’re all taken back to could’ve been different and it wouldn’t have happened but maybe some things are always going to happen. When you had your child, the first child that everyone said was destined for great things, you immediately saw where her greatness would lie. It was in her smile, the way her lips turned and her eyes brightened and joy flooded into your heart. This was her greatness.

“She’s beautiful.”

You had turned to look up at the husband that stared adoringly at your daughter.

“It’s the smile.” You touched the lips slightly and they only seemed to light up more.

“It’s because of the woman she looks like.” He gave your cheek a kiss but your eyes were too transfixed to notice. You heard him though and that was when the first sliver slipped through your mind; he doesn’t appreciate her smile.

The first time she had cried you weren’t sure what to do. You had seen the smile disappear and the face scrunch up with a tiny wail erupting from the mouth instead of joy. It put so much pain into your heart to see that your child wasn’t happy. All you wanted was for her to hold happiness forever and when finally you had calmed and put the past discomfort out of her mind the smile returned and you knew where her happiness lay. If only she could always smile.

When you took her home there were dozens of people to see; family who wanted to pinch your daughter’s cheek and friends who wanted to dote and either wish it was them or feel incredibly sorry for you.

They’d pass around your daughter like a parcel, cooing at the child and holding their tiny hand in a finger.

“She’s gorgeous.”

“Incredible.”

“Lovely.”

None of them commented on her smile, and you wanted them to know that all their praise was because of it.

One night, just a week after she had been born and the joy of her smile had first entered your heart you had taken her to your sisters. This was the woman you confided in the most and as she bounced the child in her arms you confided in her.

“The best thing about her is her smile,” you had said.

You daughter was smiling at the moment, happy to be bouncing in her aunt’s hand.

“She does have a lovely smile.”

But you could see the question in her words; just the smile, not all of her? But you loved the smile because without it all of her wouldn’t be happy.

That night as you had stared down at the child smiling in her sleep you noticed a twitch. It was a good twitch, one that brought the smile further and it was then that you realised something; in her sleep no bad could come to her, she would always smile.

After two weeks interest in your child from other’s grew less and with less people to smile at you found yourself indulging in your child’s smile. It was such a thing, which lit up everything else in her that you wanted the smile to never go away. When she cried and tossed your own mind pained, yearning so desperately to see her happy again.

There was one day where you had put your daughter down to sleep and taken yourself away from her smile to clean up the mess in the kitchen. Since having the child the house had become what you could only consider a pigsty but there were more important things to do than wash dishes; enjoying your child’s happiness was one of those things.

As you had wiped the benches, and thrown out the old leftovers you found your mind twitching. It was flicking back to your daughter, wondering if there was a smile resting on her face. When you left here there had been but time had passed and if she wasn’t smiling you were responsible for keeping her always happy and something would have to be done. You had told yourself she would be fine but as you begun to fill up the sink you could feel your mind flickering. Just a quick look you told yourself, just a peek.

As you turned into the room your heart beat fast, worried that you would find a frown upon her face. With a quickened pace you reached the cot and looked down. There she lay, a delicate child with a sweet smile staring back at you.

“My gorgeous dear,” you whispered. “My gorgeous smile.”

This was the child you had been given, and she had been ensured to your care. You had to keep her happy forever, you had to make sure you could always feel her joy.

This night, three weeks after your daughter had been born you had like any other night lain you daughter down to sleep. You had looked at her, at the smile lightening your world and had realised that there was nothing better. It was something that you would do anything to keep. In her sleep she would always be happy, and for her you knew that was better than anything; what other way could someone gain eternal happiness? She would gain happiness forever and you would be able to know no pain could ever tear that smile from her face.

 

Now, right now, you’re staring down at the face that has no sign of a smile, not even a memory. She will never be happy again, you will never see her smile again. Something inside of you is breaking, something which makes you realise you’ve lost what you craved; what you craved. It had never been for her but the joy in your heart had made you think it was. Your hand reaches down and touches the cheek which already feels stale. There’s nothing left in your heart, nothing left out of it. You’ve killed your daughter because you were greedy for her smile and you don’t know what to do. You don’t look at your daughter again, you walk out of the room, close the door and never plan on entering again. If you don’t see her she doesn’t have to dead, her smile doesn’t have to be gone, and you don’t have to be unhappy. As you try and walk calmly down the passage you know it’s all lies and the only image in your head is of her dull face. You’ll never see her smile again, you’ll never be happy again, but still that’s all you’re thinking about and you’ve forgotten that someone can never smile again. You’ve killed someone for their smile and it’s gone.