National Day Off Day

A One Act I am writing for my school. I've basically finished it, and just need some feedback before I submit it.

ACT I

Prologue

At rise. House of Reprentatives. A podium sits Upstage Left. In front of the podium are seats for Congress to sit in. Half of Congress is wearing red ties; the other half is wearing blue.

BALIFF

(Voiceover)

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.

PRESIDENT enters from stage left and stands behind the podium. CONGRESS claps.

PRESIDENT

My fellow Americans, it's a great day for America.

LIBERAL

Why? Why is it such a great day for America, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT

Why? I'll tell you why! Let's see. Why is it a great day for America? It's Friday, that's why!

CONGRESS applauds.

PRESIDENT

Anyway, I called this meeting of Congress for a very special reason. I have an idea for all of you. You see, I was walking around this beautiful country called America and after getting through all 57 states, I realised something.

Red-tied Congress members snicker.

LIBERAL

What? What did you realize, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT

I realised that there are so many hard working Americans who just never get a break. I mean the Post office takes Sundays off, as does Hobby Lobby. But there are many people who don't get a break like doctors, or firefighters, or my wife! So I've come up with this novel idea that will make all those people love me...I mean America even more.

LIBERAL

What? What is your novel idea, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT

Ladies and gentlemen, I present National Day Off Day! A day where no one, and I mean no one has to work. It will be against the law to work on National Day Off Day.

CONSERVATIVE

What? That's absurd!

Blue-ties gasp.

LIBERAL

What? What's so absurd about it? How can you say that. This is a great thing for America and all working people everywhere....Well not everywhere. Just here actually. But that's all the counts.

CONSERVATIVE

Then you must be as dumb as he is. Don't any of you realize the repercussions that would occur because of an idea like this?

LIBERAL

Oh I'm dumb am I?

CONSERVATIVE

Yes! Are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?

LIBERAL

Oh really? Well... You should learn from your parents' mistakes and try using some birth control.

CONSERVATIVE

I'd call you an idiot, but that would be an insult to stupid people!

Gestures at the blue-ties.

LIBERAL

Your red tie goes well with your eyes!

CONSERVATIVE

Ok, well everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you just abuse the privilege.

LIBERAL

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your girlfriend thinks so.

CONSERVATIVE

Thank you, Thank you for letting me realise that brains aren't everything...and in your case, they're nothing.

LIBERAL

Yeah well...Well... Your mom wears a Snuggie!

CONSERVATIVE

You take that back you...not smart person!

PRESIDENT

Please, gentlemen. Calm down. You'll see how great of an idea this is soon enough. Let's wrap this up. It's my wife and my anniversary today.

CONSERVATIVE

Which? Which anniversary, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT

Um..Er...not sure. Can't remember right now.

Red-ties laugh. Scene ends.

Transition 1

France 25 News. A desk Downstage Right. Both characters are sitting behind it. (Optional: Camera man in front of them.)

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

Hello and welcome to France 25 News. I'm Christophe MacCarthey.

MARY ROBEET

And I'm Mary Robeet.

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

Today will be covering America's historic National Day Off Day live and bringing news to you as soon as it happens.

MARY ROBEET

Well unless this isn't a new show anymore, and it's now a rerun, during rerun season.... Yes, rerun season. Don't judge us. In any case, if this is a rerun, some time in the future... All hail Highlord Justin Beiber.

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

Yeah yeah, Mary, ok. Back to the news. Anyways, we will be covering all important events that happen today, should any actually happen.But you all may be wondering, what WILL happen?

MARY ROBEET

I'm wondering that.

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

(whispered)

Shut up.

(Aloud)

Will the stock market crash? Will the president be recognized as an international hero? Will the cafeteria run out of tacos!? Questions. Questions that we will we answer throughout this day. Stay tuned, world.

MARY waves vigurously and mouths "Hi, Mom!" End scene.

Scene 1

At rise. The scene is filled with many people doing diferent things. OFFICE GUY sneaks around the scene before heading towards a door marked "Financing Union Network (F.U.N.)" Right before he gets to the door, JAMES ANDERSON tackles him.

JAMES ANDERSON

It's National Day Off Day. What do you think you're doing?

OFFICE GUY

Who me? No! I wasn't working. I was just getting my keys from the office! What are you doing?

JAMES ANDERSON

Ahh...Er...Baccalaureate party. Want to see?

JAMES starts an improvised strip dance routine.

SIMON

Oongx oongx oongx oongx oongx oongx oongx oongx.

JAMES ANDERSON

Shut up.

OFFICE GUY

No, No that's OK.

OFFICE GUY exits.

JAMES ANDERSON

My gosh, Simon this is terrible. You know I have to work. I can't stand to just stay at home and do nothing! Stuff is happening, bad stuff, and they need policemen to stop it, but they can't because we can't work because: It's National Day Off Day! I mean look. Look at that guy.

JAMES gestures to a guy fishing.

JAMES ANDERSON

That guy is Robert Larson. He's the best doctor in this whole town. What would happen if this guy gets hurt and Robert isn't there to help him?

SIMON

I don't know, James. Why don't you shoot him and find out?

JAMES ANDERSON

I'm serious. This is a real problem. Plus, I'm a workaholic. And a policeman. I'm a workaholic policeman. I have to work. I have worked everyday of my life. You know how many vacation days I have saved up? I mean I could stop coming to work starting tomorrow, go on a 10 year cruise around the Bahamas, then get ransacked by pirates and held hostage for another 10 years, get home, comeback to work the next day and still have two weeks vacation left over.

SIMON

You'd take me with you on the cruise, right?

JAMES ANDERSON

Oh yeah, of course.

SIMON

But, you know, I'd get off like half way through the 10th year.

JAMES ANDERSON

Oh sure.

SIMON

I mean, you wouldn't let your best friend be taken by pirates now.

JAMES ANDERSON

Well....No of course not. Even though it's obvious you wouldn't do the same for me.

SIMON bears a look of mock hurt shock.

OFFICE GUY

Ooooohh.

SIMON

Don't you ooooohh me!

JAMES ANDERSON

I'm sorry. Of course I wouldn't let you get taken by pirates. We've been friends since high school. I mean...me on the football team, you in the...broadcasting club.

SIMON

Good times.

Awkward silence.

JAMES ANDERSON

So what are you working on there?

SIMON

(said by both)

Logic Puzzle.

JAMES ANDERSON

When are you not working one of those?

SIMON

When your girlfriend's around. No, but this is a 6x6. I've never finished one of these before!

JAMES ANDERSON

Ok. You know I don't like you making quips about Marilyn.

SIMON

But she's not even here right now! You know how much more fun it would be if she was?

JAMES ANDERSON

Alright. Shut up! It's not a good time, ok!? I'm not in the mood for your cynicism. And especially not about my girlfriend. Not on National Day Off Day. You know how fragile I am right now. Just give me a break today, man.

SIMON

Dude, you need to do something to calm your nerves.

JAMES ANDERSON

I can't because the doughnut shop's closed! You know some days I wish I was like William or Billy. They don't even have jobs. They just sit around and argue with each other all day.

SIMON

Right, because we never do that.

JAMES ANDERSON

I mean, you don't know what it's like for me. I can't work today! I'm more upset about this than when my aunt died!

SIMON

Aunt Clara?

JAMES ANDERSON

No. The other one.

SIMON

Ahh.

JAMES ANDERSON

Wait, Aunt Clara's dead!?

SIMON

Er....No?

JAMES sighs.

JAMES ANDERSON

I'm telling you: This is a horrible idea! You know how easily a fire could break out? I'm sure all the arsonists are having a ball right about now! No firemen are around to stop them because it's their job to stop them!

SIMON

Don't you miss the days of the volunteer fire men?

JAMES ANDERSON

One doesn't remember those! They were done out with a century ago.

SIMON

Oh, right.

JAMES ANDERSON

How did this president guy get all of Congress to vote on this?

SIMON

He gave them all doughnuts.

JAMES ANDERSON

Don't you mention doughnuts again!

SIMON

Alright then.

JAMES ANDERSON

But speaking of food, it is getting close to lunch time. I should start getting home.

SIMON

I'll come too. Maybe Marilyn has some doughnuts.

Awkward Silence.

SIMON

Oongx oongx oongx oongx oongx oongx oongx oongx.

JAMES dances off with SIMON following Oongxing. End scene.

Transition 2

Scene is laid out exactly like TRANSITION 1.

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

Hello, and welcome back to: France 25 News. It's a good thing too because I know you guys couldn't wait to get back to...this. You too, ladies.

MARY scoffs.

MARY ROBEET

Things have already started happening in America due to National Day Off Day. All public transportations have come to a halt with no workers to drive any taxis or trains, or buses. New York has come to a standstill, as well as many other major American cities.

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

And right about now, we're nearing lunchtime over in America, and now we know why it is, indeed, the fattest country in the world. All the McDonald's everywhere are closed, and people are starting to realize "I don't know how to cook! I'm gunna starve!" People were planning to protest this day at the gates of the White House before realizing there's no way to get there!

MARY ROBEET

In addition, many water-filtration systems nation-wide, have begun to shut down due to a lack of staff maintaining them. So if you like colored water, America is the place for you! People have tried to boil their water but can't because the gas too has run short.

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

Yep. In fact, according to Times Magazine, the... you might remember a magazine, it's sort of a papery blog thing...but much slower, kinda like AOL on paper. Anyway the Times said that in most American houses...

MARY pulls out a salad and starts eating it.

("PAUSE")

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

What are you doing?

MARY ROBEET

Eating a salad.

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

Why are you eating a salad?

MARY ROBEET

I'm on a diet.

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

Oh. Mmh. OK. You know what I've noticed about people on a diet? Yeah. They're always eating. "Hello what are you doing?" "I'm on a diet. Now watch as a chow down on this Crunchy Nut Bar! Mmm, I'm losing weight!"

MARY ROBEET

Wha?

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

Just eat quietly OK?

MARY ROBEET

K!

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

Where was I? Oh, right. According to Times Magazine,In most American homes, families that own plastic water bottles can actually--

MARY loudly crunches on a crouton.

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

Really, Mary? Really?

MARY ROBEET

What?!

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

I just told you, that you weren't--

MARY ROBEET

Ok! We have to take a commercial right now.

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

What? No we--

MARY ROBEET

So, please look at these magnificent products advertised by our station. We'll be right back.

End Scene.

Scene 2

Apartment Scene covers the entire stage. Kitchen counter Center Stage. Armchair Downstage Right. Also a writing desk. MARILYN is behind the counter doing work. A few glasses are on the counter.

JAMES ANDERSON

Alright Simon, like I said before...

JAMES and SIMON enter Stage Left.

JAMES ANDERSON

This is not a good day for me. Have you seen the news? Is it even noon yet? And things are already going wrong. And on top of that I think I'm losing it! You don't know what this is like for me. I love my job. I have to work! I have to work!

SIMON

OK here.

SIMON hands JAMES his pen.

JAMES ANDERSON

What's that?

SIMON

This is something that cares, more than I do.

JAMES grunts.

JAMES ANDERSON

(To MARILYN)

Hi babe!

JAMES goes over to the kitchen and kisses MARILYN.

SIMON

Aaaawww!

JAMES ANDERSON

Shut up!

JAMES throws the pen at SIMON.

MARILYN UPTON

Hey, Honey. How was your day?

JAMES ANDERSON

What? Didn't you just...? I was...just now I said that...and you didn't? It was wonderful, Sweetie.

MARILYN UPTON

Aw, well that's good.

JAMES ANDERSON

Yeah, yeah ok.

JAMES walks over to and sits in his armchair.

SIMON

Personally, James, I don't see what the big deal is. Everyone needs a day to relax. Some of us actually prefer it to working.

JAMES ANDERSON

Yeah, well we're not all like you, Simon. I can't just sit around doing logic puzzles all day like you.

SIMON

Or be in the kitchen all day like her.

SIMON gestures to MARILYN. MARILYN walks out from behind the counter indignantly.

SIMON

Oh, look at you, defying the stereotype. You go, girl! But seriously, make me a sammich.

MARILYN UPTON

No. No I will not make you a sandwich.

SIMON shows a look of mock self pity.

SIMON

But Simon said.

SIMON walks over to behind the counter.

JAMES ANDERSON

Simon, I don't like you bossing my girlfriend around in my own home.

SIMON

Oh, I think she likes it.

MARILYN UPTON

What? No I don't! I don't even know what you mean by that.

While saying this she knocks a glass off the counter.

SIMON

Aw! See what happens when you get all defiant?

MARILYN UPTON

Well, did it break?

SIMON

No. It bounced. Ok, no, yeah it broke. It doesn't just float. It's not full of air, like your head. Oh yeah, I went there.

JAMES ANDERSON

Did you take pictures?

SIMON

Better. I took audio and video recordings, and I compiled it into a poorly conceived movie called "What I Did with Your Mom" Oh I went there again!

JAMES ANDERSON

Did you take pictures?!

SIMON

No. But I kept this journal.

SIMON pulls up a notebook from behind the counter as if from nowhere.

MARILYN UPTON

Yeah, well, OK, well at least my father didn't abandon me!

SIMON

Go die! I don't care how. I don't care where. Just stop living!

MARILYN UPTON

You know, you're going to die someday, and when you do, I don't think it will be very funny then.

SIMON

What? No I don't! I talked to God. He says I don't have to. OK. I'm gunna stop now. Because I'm a nice guy and you're not stupid...wait at least one of those was a lie.

MARILYN UPTON

But, which one?

JAMES ANDERSON

That's the question now. Stick that in your logic puzzle and solve it! Honestly Simon, you're no better than Goudafeta.

MARILYN UPTON

Who's Goudafeta?

SIMON

Oh, Goutafeta Glockenspiel. He's this crazy guy we've known since high-school.

JAMES ANDERSON

Yeah. Crazy evil. I swore to get him and once I became a cop I finally did. We met shooting marbles.

MARILYN UPTON

You were a marble shooter?

JAMES ANDERSON

Yeah.

MARILYN UPTON

Wow, A marble shooter turned cop.

JAMES ANDERSON

No. Actually my last job was a singer.

MARILYN UPTON

You were a marble shooter turned singer.

JAMES ANDERSON

No. When I quit being a marble shooter, I became a tutor.

SIMON

A shooter turned tutor.

JAMES ANDERSON

I lost all my marbles so I became a tutor at the local high school.

MARILYN UPTON

A singing tutor.

JAMES ANDERSON

Nope. Singer came later. Kids didn't like my tutoring so I became a writer. Then a fighter.

SIMON

Shooting tutor turned fighting writer.

MARILYN UPTON

Then you became a cop.

SIMON

Don't forget singer.

JAMES ANDERSON

No it's easy. Look. I was a shooter turned tutor turned writer turned fighter turned singer, turned cop.

While JAMES is saying this he pantomimes each of his former jobs.

MARILYN UPTON

When you became a cop you vowed to get Goudafeta?

JAMES ANDERSON

No. I vowed to get Gouda when I was a tutor. But then, what can a tutor do to anyone?

MARILYN UPTON

Why were you so intent on getting him?

JAMES ANDERSON

You haven't seen the things he's capable of.

SIMON

No kidding. So one time, we were chasing him on the rooftops. By the way kids, don't try this at home. (Whisper to audience:) It's awesome. (Out loud:) Anyway. James and I were chasing Gouda and there was and old woman trying to get her cat out of a tree and when Gouda went by he shoved her off the roof.

MARILYN UPTON

Did she die?

SIMON

No she bounced too!

JAMES ANDERSON

Well we got him for that. And now he's in jail.

The doorbell rings.

JAMES ANDERSON

Come in.

MESSENGER rushes in to meet the trio.

MESSENGER

You James Anderson?

JAMES ANDERSON

I am.

MESSENGER

I've got a message for you from Gouda.

JAMES ANDERSON

That ain't gooda.

MESSENGER

He told me to tell you two things. First off, he's escaping from jail today, National Day Off Day.

JAMES ANDERSON

Over my dead body!

MESSENGER

That's the second thing.

MESSENGER exits.

JAMES ANDERSON

Oh my gosh, this is horrible! Any other day maybe I could catch him but not today! That would mean working. And I can't work! I don't know if I could catch him if I tried.

MARILYN UPTON

Oh, come on now. You're Officer James Anderson; you can do anything!

SIMON

Except strip dance. God, that was awful.

JAMES ANDERSON

As a policeman, if I catch a criminal, that would mean doing my job, which I can't do. I can't catch him as a policeman. I could quit, but I've never been unemployed a day in my life. This policeman job means everything to me, and to turn it down because of one lousy criminal?

SIMON

Lousy criminal?! James, think of the old woman!

JAMES ANDERSON

To turn it down because of one lousy criminal and an old woman?

SIMON

James, think of the cat!

JAMES ANDERSON

I have to do this! Yes to catch this guy, I'll do whatever it takes but first. I have to quit! I have...to quit.

Awkward Silence.

SIMON

Dun Dun Dun.

JAMES ANDERSON

Shut up!

JAMES takes his badge and gun of and lays it on the desk. Goes over the the door and picks up the pen.

JAMES ANDERSON

I'm going out there.

MARILYN UPTON

Be safe. Don't get hurt.

JAMES ANDERSON

(From by the door)

Ok, thanks. I was thinking of not doing that.

James exits. End scene.

Transition 3

Scene exactly the same as the other transitions.

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

Hello and welcome back to France 25 News. I'm Christophe MacCarthey and she's, well, you know.

MARY ROBEET

National Day Off Day is now in full swing. The stock market has yet to crash but the DOW has fallen considerably and is continuing to do so at an exponential rate.

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

We asked before if the President would be recognized as a national hero. Well right now he's nowhere to be found. And yes, the cafeteria did run out of tacos.

MARY wipes the corners of her mouth with a napkin. CHRISTOPHE puts his hand to his ear.

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

Breaking news, folks! A major storm has swept across the west coast. It has damaged many power lines and radio towers causing massive power failures across the coastline. Multiple news stations are offline and will continue to be until tomorrow seeing as there's no one to fix them.

MARY ROBEET

But we're not affected are we?

CHRISTOPHE puts his hand to his ear again.

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

I'm not allowed to say. (to MARY) OK no, we're not affected. We live in France. (Out) The East Coast isn't the only place affected by power outages. Districts all across the country are going dark. In order to get power and light and heat people have begun cutting down tree-- They're cutting down trees?!? They're deforesting the world's beloved forests to keep themselves warm?! What did these trees ever do to you? You know this wouldn't be happening if you all had alternate energy sources. You know maybe if we all had solar panels then you wouldn't be out of power right now! I mean with nuclear power plants like those you're just asking for it! You have acres and acres of open field! You know what you could be doing?! You could put up wind turbines but NOOOO! You have to grow corn and food and hunting grounds and other things "necessary for survival" If you all keep going like this we going to end up--

MARY ROBEET

Christophe?

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

Yeah?

MARY ROBEET

You ok?

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

What? Oh, yes I'm fine. I'm sorry.

MARY ROBEET

Also, since telephone lines are down, telemarketers are not happy because they can't reach there customers but they're not even supposed to be working today, and I can't help but think, is this really a bad thing? You know what, it is a bad thing because telemarketers are good for the economy, plus these telemarketers are the only way Christophe can get a guy to talk to him.

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

(To MARY)

You're a coccydynia you know that? (To audience) I'll wait while you Google that. In fact we're gunna take a commercial break right now. Please enjoy these messages from our sponsors. Hopefully you'll buy a few of their amazing products. I know I will.

End Scene.

Scene 3

Divided scene. Stage Left has a bed and a bench. The stage is divided by a pillar. Stage right has a few crates scattered around. BILLY and WILLIAM sit on two crates, while CELL MATE lies on the bed and GOUDAFETA sits on the bench. Lights up on jail.

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

Are you ready for this?

CELL MATE

Ready for what, Goudafeta?

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

I already told you what! I told you like three times! I'm getting myself out of here!

CELL MATE

Why would you want to do that?

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

Because I hate it here! This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me!

CELL MATE

But what about that one time where--

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

Never speak of that! This place is awful. We work 8 hours a day, all they serve is fried chicken. Sometimes they forget the fried part. Of course the rec room's fun. OH WAIT! No it's not because the rec room's wrecked!

CELL MATE

Isn't that all because you--

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

Never speak of that! Inmates with harmonicas who think they're maestros of wind pipes. Someone's pursuing his dream of being a drummer with his tin cup and prison bars, and the TV remote's broken and it's stuck on MTV and all that's ever on are those stupid Justin Beiber videos! Before I got put in here I was a wonderful magician. Sure, I was making minimum wage but I was free! But no! I couldn't settle for that. I used my powers of deception and distraction to rob a bank. I almost got away with it too. But then, that damn cop Anderson caught up with me and I was forced to kill someone to stay ahead of him!

CELL MATE

But didn't he--

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

Never speak of that! But now, now I'm getting out of here for good.

CELL MATE

Whatever. Just keep the noise down. I'm trying to sleep.

GOUDAFETA goes over to the door and rattles it.

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

OH NO! The door's locked! OH WAIT! What's this?

GOUDAFETA pulls out a block of TNT from his sleeve.

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

OH LOOK! It's a bomb!

Lights switch to stage right.

BILLY

But, William, I think my girlfriend's cheating on me. What do you think?

WILLIAM

Well, Billy, I think, if the shoe fits, wear it.

BILLY

Well, I don't know. It fits on my head.

BILLY pulls a giant boot from behind his crate.

WILLIAM

Then wear it.

BILLY places the boot over his head.

BILLY

Well I can't see!

JAMES rushes in from stage right.

JAMES ANDERSON

Billy! William! Guys! You're never gunna believe this! Goudafe--Is that a new haircut?

WILLIAM

Why, yes. Yes it is.

BILLY

No one ever asks me if I got a haircut.

WILLIAM

That's because you never do. Back to the point at hand, what were you saying about Goudafeta?

JAMES ANDERSON

Right. Goudafeta told me he was escaping from this jail today!

WILLIAM

What?! Goudafeta escaping from jail?! Unheard of.

BILLY

...Well...'xcept for now. Now it's heard of.

WILLIAM

Did he tell you how?

JAMES ANDERSON

Well no, but knowing Goudafeta, there's probably gunna be a big explosion and then he's gunna walk out of there any second now.

A loud explosion is heard from stage left. GOUDAFETA exits.

JAMES ANDERSON

You know, probably.

CELL MATE

I said keep it down!

JAMES, WILLIAM, and BILLY rush onto the jail side of the stage.

JAMES ANDERSON

Where'd he go?

CELL MATE

I don't know. Maybe out that big hole in the wall. Are you my new cell mates?

BILLY

I've always wanted to be someone's mate but William keeps saying I'm not.

BILLY eagerly sits down on the bench and pulls out a harmonica.

JAMES and WILLIAM exchange glances before rushing of after GOUDAFETA.

End scene.

Transition 4

Set up like other transitions. Only CHRISTOPHE is sitting at the desk. MARY is offstage. CHRISTOPHE is bickering with someone offstage.

DIRECTOR

(O.S)

Just improvise something!

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

Hello and welcome back to France 25 News. I'm Christophe MacCarthey.

CHRISTOPHE holds up a sock puppet.

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

(In a high-pitched voice)

And I'm Mary Robeet. I'm a coccydynia and I still don't know what that means.(In a high-pitched voice) What does that mean? (Normal voice) It means you're a pain in the butt! (In a high-pitched voice) What! I don't even have a butt!

Director signals to CHRISTOPHE

(In a high-pitched voice)In news, (Normal voice): In news Arizona is being over run with Mexican citizen who are using this day as a pass into America. They'll be dealt with tomorrow which is a shame because they can't use them for labor because today is Nation--

MARY walks in eating a pork chop.

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

Where were you? We were-- What are you doing?

MARY ROBEET

Eating a pork chop.

CHRISTOPHE gasps.

MARY ROBEET

I know. I broke my diet.

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

Not that! You're eating meat! The flesh of another living being! Eating an animal is violent! And I hate violence! I'll kill you!

MARY screams. CHRISTOPHE chases her offstage. End scene.

Scene 4

The stage is pretty empty. A few crates are on Stage Left. VICTIM 1 is on Stage Left. GOUDAFETA enters from Stage Left.

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

Hey, wanna see a magic trick?

VICTIM 1

Ah, sure, why not? It's not like I have a wife to get back to anymore. Or three kids, not that they even want me to come back. It's not like my brother survived the leukemia he's been fighting for five years. Or even that.

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

Just pick a card!

VICTIM 1 chooses a card.

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

Good. Now don't show it to me. Ok. You sure you have it? Now I want you to--OH LOOK!

VICTIM 1

What?

He looks. GOUDAFETA peeks at the card Victim 1 is holding.

VICTIM 1

Why, there's nothing--

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

Your card was the eight of diamonds!

VICTIM 1

Well yeah but, you cheated! You distracted and deceived me to find out what card I had!

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

I distracted you? I deceived you!? Well what is every other magician in this whole God-damned world doing?! You people go, you go and see the guys; these magicians. And they do precisely that. They trick you, they distract you, the deceive you. And you like it! You pay money to be tricked by these guys. And the one time I do it, it's wrong?

VICTIM 1

Ok, dude, just calm down a bit. We can work this out.

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

I don't want, to work this out! I've been working it out my entire life and where has that got me? It's gotten me right here next to you, that's where.

VICTIM 1

We can work this out, all right!?

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

I'll work you out!

Awkward silence.

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

OH LOOK!

VICTIM 1

What?

GOUDAFETA pulls out a mace from behind him.

VICTIM 1

Wait. Where'd you get that mace?.........Oh god!

GOUDAFETA pushes VICTIM offstage. Punches sound. JAMES enters stage right. James looks offstage and flinches as if watching VICTIM 1 get mauled.

GOUDAFETA enters Stage Right.

JAMES ANDERSON

Glockenspiel, what are you doing?

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

Didn't you see? I just killed a guy. You shouldn't be to surprised, I already told you what I was going to do.

JAMES ANDERSON

You can't just go around killing people.

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

I can on National Day Off Day. Who's to stop me?

JAMES ANDERSON

I don't know. Why haven't you killed me yet?

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

(mumbled)

I forgot to get a gun.

JAMES ANDERSON

What?

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

I forgot to get a gun OK? But it doesn't matter. I don't need one to kill a Justin Beiber, like you!

JAMES ANDERSON

I am nothing like Justin Beiber!

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

Oh right, I'm sorry, excuse me. James Anderson and Justin Beiber: two totally different people. One is a high pitched voiced, melodramatic diva who thinks the entire world loves him, and the other one's Justin Beiber.

JAMES ANDERSON

You take that back!

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

Make me. OH WAIT you can't because you're a policeman and thus can't work today.

JAMES ANDERSON

I quit.

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

...OH LOOK! An ant. OH LOOK! It's Sean Connery! OH WAIT! Where'd the ant go? OH LOOK! I'm running away.

GOUDAFETA runs off Stage Left. WILLIAM enter Stage Right.

JAMES ANDERSON

You are the worst partner ever! Where were you?

WILLIAM

Bathroom.

JAMES ANDERSON

OK. So I'm here by my self, confronting the worst bad guy this town has ever seen and you were in the bathroom.

WILLIAM

Well sometimes you know, you just have to prioritize your needs.

JAMES ANDERSON

Oh! Well it's nice to know I rank below your bladder.

WILLIAM

Well at least you didn't die or anything.

JAMES ANDERSON

Oh yes! Thank God for that!

WILLIAM

Simon's made you cold. At least I came up with a plan to catch Glockenspiel.

JAMES ANDERSON

Alright then.

WILLIAM

Alright so what we do is... wait. Glockenspiel hasn't seen you yet right?

JAMES ANDERSON

Yes. As a matter of fact he has.

WILLIAM

Alright well--

JAMES ANDERSON

He's probably seen you too!

WILLIAM

Alright well he probably hasn't seen Billy ye--

JAMES ANDERSON

Billy?...Billy? OK, first off, Billy's in jail, second--

BILLY walks on Stage Right with his harmonica.

JAMES ANDERSON

Billy? I thought you were having fun in jail.

BILLY

Well I was. But the guy said I was making too much noise. He says he's not my mate anymore.

WILLIAM

Well I guess he's my partner again. Well it was fun while it lasted.

JAMES ANDERSON

What? No it wasn't. You dragged me all over town looking for a new top hat. Then you kept swearing you saw Goudafeta when it was just a mime, dragging me to the entire other side of town. Then you stopped for an ice cream cone. Twice. And the one time we did catch up to Goudafeta, you--

BILLY

You got ice cream!?

JAMES ANDERSON

No, because William failed to realize all the shops are closed! *sigh* Enough bickering, though. Glockenspiel got away, and who knows where he is now?

WILLIAM

You're right. He may have left town by now.

JAMES ANDERSON

No, he wouldn't do that. He told me that he was going to kill me today. I doubt he would leave town before even trying.

BILLY

So you mean, if we kill you, he'll leave?

WILLIAM

Billy!

BILLY

What? I don't like that guy. He put a big hole in my room.

WILLIAM

That's no reason to kill a man! However, he does have a point. He'll probably keep killing people until he gets you.

JAMES ANDERSON

So what? You're just gonna kill me?

WILLIAM

Er...this was Billy's idea.

JAMES ANDERSON

Guys, no one has to die. All we have to do is find--

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

(from balcony)

OH LOOK!

JAMES ANDERSON

Goudafeta?! What are you doing up there?

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

I found a gun. Now you're gonna die.

WILLIAM

(To Billy)

This was all your idea.

JAMES ANDERSON

Goudafeta, get down here. We can fight like men, not cowards. Besides, there's no way you could hit me from there.

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

Fine then, I will.

GOUDAFETA vaults off the balcony.

WILLIAM

Great move, James. Now what do we do?

JAMES ANDERSON

Now...we run!

The three exit stage left. VICTIM 2 enters stage left. Goudafeta runs onstage.

JAMES ANDERSON

(O.S.)

Wait a minute!

GOUDAFETA grabs VICTIM 2 and holds the gun to her head.

JAMES ANDERSON

(O.S.)

There's three of us and only one of him.

MARILYN UPTON

(O.S.)

Hi, guys.

JAMES ANDERSON

(O.S.)

There's five of us and only one of him.

WILLIAM

(O.S.)

Hey, Simon, how's it going?

SIMON

(O.S.)

Shut up, William. We all know you don't care

JAMES, WILLIAM, BILLY, SIMON, and MARILYN run onstage.

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

Alright, you are now my hostage. You're gonna do exactly what I say exactly how I say it.

JAMES ANDERSON

Glockenspiel, what's going on here?

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

What? Oh nothing. We're just about to go on a picnic. Or should I say pienic, cause pie's all we're gonna be eating. (To VICTIM 2) Now LAUGH.

VICTIM 2

*slight laugh*

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

No. I said "laugh" loudly, so you were supposed to laugh loudly!

Goudafeta shoots VICTIM 2. She dies.

JAMES ANDERSON

You know, that's not what you're supposed to do with a hostage.

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

I'll do it to you!

GOUDAFETA aims and shoots at JAMES. The gun just clicks.

JAMES ANDERSON

You got a gun, but only got one bullet?

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

Uh. Well you see it was uh...I mean I was going to...OH LOOK!

JAMES ANDERSON

Nope. Not falling for it this time.

Awkward silence. JAMES looks obviously torn.

JAMES ANDERSON

Oh. I can't resist.

JAMES looks to his left. GOUDAFETA immediately hits him over the head with a frying pan. They start fighting. WILLIAM and BILLY stand by the crates.

WILLIAM

Hey. You want to make a wager?

BILLY

Well I've never made a wager before. I've made a basket.

BILLY pulls up a basket from behind a crate.

WILLIAM

No. I mean, place a bet on who will win.

BILLY

Well I've never placed a bet before. I've place second in a national pie eating contest.

BILLY pulls out a pie from his basket.

WILLIAM

No.... Who do you think will win?

BILLY

Well I don't really think. I eat pie.

WILLIAM

Whatever. I have the creepy magician guy. You take James.

MARILYN UPTON

Are they seriously gambling on the life or death of their friend? Seriously?

SIMON

No. They're joking about it. They're just doing it to annoy you.

MARILYN UPTON

Well, we've got to help him, don't we?

SIMON

Well, I was thinking that. But coming from you it sounds so dumb.

MARILYN UPTON

So, you're not going to help him?

SIMON

Aww. That sounded stupid too. Now I'm torn. Between two incredibly stupid ideas.

MARILYN UPTON

Ok, well how about we--

SIMON

Ok, stop saying things, or we're never get anything done. Ok here's what we're gonna do.

SIMON whispers something to MARILYN.

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

Look at that, Mr. Anderson. All of your friends gathered around us, and none of them doing anything to help you. They're even betting on your survival. That's why I don't have any friends. All they do is turn on you when you need them the most. I've never had friends and look where it's gotten me?

JAMES ANDERSON

Where has it gotten you?

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

It's gotten me on top of you!

WILLIAM

Yeah!

JAMES ANDERSON

What the..William!?

MARILYN walks over to the fight.

MARILYN UPTON

Wow, James. You know, I thought you could do anything. Anything you set your mind to.

SIMON

Except strip dance! God, that was awful.

MARILYN UPTON

Right. I thought you could do almost anything. You've spent your entire life working for something and I've supported you all the way. But now,

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

See, see James, even your own girlfriend's betrayed you.

MARILYN UPTON

But now, it looks as though you can't even beat up a wimpy little magician dude. I mean look at him. I haven't seen anyone more lame in my entire life.

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

What the? Why I oughta'--

MARILYN UPTON

I mean my grandmother could probably beat this loser up.

Goudafeta gets off of James and heads for Marilyn.

GOUDAFETA GLOCKENSPIEL

I'll beat you up!

SIMON nods to JAMES. JAMES grabs the frying pan on the ground. Simon throws his hat up in the air.

JAMES ANDERSON

Oh lookie there!

GOUDAFETA looks at the flying hat. James hits him over the head with the frying pan. GOUDAFETA falls. MARILYN catches the hat.

SIMON

It's a fedora.

JAMES ANDERSON

Eat it.

WILLIAM

I hate my life.

BILLY

I hate your life too man.

JAMES ANDERSON

Wow. Thanks guys. But you know, I probably could have done it without you. I didn't need you guys.

MARILYN UPTON

Aww! I love you too sweetheart!

They kiss. SIMON takes his hat back.

BILLY

Glad we could help!

JAMES ANDERSON

You did nothing!

WILLIAM

Well, we'll take him back to the cell. The one without a hole in it.

SIMON

Well, it's almost dinner-time. Let's go home and have Marilyn cook up some doughnuts.

They start walking offstage.

JAMES ANDERSON

Simon, you do realize you don't live at my house.

SIMON

Oh. I think she likes it.

End scene.

Epilogue

The studio is on stage right. Congress is on stage left. Lights on the studio. CHRISTOPHE is sitting at the desk. MARY is next to him, tied up and gagged in a chair.

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

Hello, and welcome back to France 25 News. I'm Christophe McCarthey, and she's well, yeah. And we're here to wrap up our report on America's tragic Nation Day Off Day. Due to many storms across the west coast, many many, cities, buildings, and systems have been irrevocably damaged. It is estimated that it will take about two years to fully restore coastal life to what it was. Many families and companies have decided to sue the U.S. government for all the damages suffered throughout the day. It is estimated that these suits will cost the U.S. government billions of dollars and twice that much in court costs. But more important than money or infrastructure is the number of tragic deaths suffered because of this dreadful day. The death toll is numbering in the thousands and steadily rising due to an--

LIBERAL turns the TV off. Lights go down on Studio and up on Congress.

LIBERAL

This was the worst idea in all of history. Who voted for this guy?

CONSERVATIVE

Well, everyone voted for this guy. Otherwise we would have looked racist.

PRESIDENT peeks up from behind his podium.

PRESIDENT

Fear not, my fellow Americans. For I have an even better idea to fix this whole mess.

LIBERAL

What? What is your grand idea, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT

We have National Work Day. Or better: National Work Week. A week where everyone has to work, no matter what. Age, medical condition, sexuality, or competence will not matter.

CONSERVATIVE

Get him!

CONSERVATIVE and LIBERAL chase the PRESIDENT off stage. Lights switch.

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

And that concludes our live coverage of National Day Off Day. I hope you have a great weekend. Oh right and always remember. Meat is murder. Eating an animal is no different from killing a human-being.

CHRISTOPHE punches Mary across thee face.

CHRISTOPHE MACCARTHEY

See? I just killed a human-being. Does it offend you? Now you know how we feel when you eat animals. Cause it's just like eating a human-being! IT'S THE SAME THING! And another thing--!

End Scene.

Author's Note

What do you think about it in general. Is it humorous enough? Too controversial for high school? Anything stick out to you?