Chapter 5- A Little Louder Each Time

Chapter 5

A Little Louder Each Time

 

 

 

        She knew where he was but she couldn't make herself get out of bed to go. I think she could care less really, but hey. The hospital had called twice already. She was his emergency contact. They had called after she fell asleep last night and again this morning. Sunday mornings were her favorite and a part of her didn't want to ruin her precious day by visiting her nearly dead fiance in the hospital. I tell you, it's a damn good thing I never had it for this girl. One guys's in the hospital, the other, well, I'll shut my mouth.

 

    Eventually, Ms. Ashwood decided to grace her fiance with her presence. However, has luck has it with these poor fools, he wasn't awake. She sat with him for about an hour and finally left. The more she looked at him the more she felt the shards of her heart scrape her insides. At some point, she mumbled her 'I'm sorry" and kissed him on the cheek, but like I said, she left. She's good at that.

 

  When she walked out the room and down the hall, she bumped into Teresa.

 

"Oh, excuse me. Sorry."

 

"Not a problem miss. No worries here." Teresa smiled at Amelia and Amelia envied her. Envied her because this woman could smile and she could not.

 

        Amelia walked away scratching her forearm. Sometimes, it would itch in the middle of the night, she'd wake up from scratching it. One time, it was to the point where she bled a bit. After the hospital, Amelia got back on the bus and transferred to the train. Instead of getting off at her stop, she kept going. She found herself getting off on the stop where her parents used to live, about an hour away. There was a church where she used to go to each Sunday, it was also the church she had been Christened in. The smells and sounds were almost the same. Some of them made her feel safe.

 

   The church wasn't too big, but it was still considered a cathedral. The grass smelled the same, even though it was covered with some snow, and the statues still had the image of love in their eyes. Once inside, she crossed herself and walked down the aisle. She stood and gazed at the crucifix. Crossing herself again, she sat down. It's amazing how we can sit still for the longest time, not saying a word. Amelia was aparently pretty good at this game too.

 

   A nun came over to her and sat in the pew across from Amelia. She was quiet with her as well. Not wanting to dissrupt whatever organized chaos she knew was in Amelia's head. Amelia looked up though. Apologizing for not realizing the nun was there. The nun smiled and put her hand on Amelia's, which was resting on the back of the pew.

 

    "No need for the apology, my dear. Contemplation is what we encourage here, and I feel as though yours is of the heavier sort." She was just in her fourties. A round pink face with bright green eyes that haven't faded at all, the same as she remembered her. She was so beautiful. She thought what a shame it was that she's stayed a nun. That she gave up on whatever life, whatever person, would have been waiting for her outside these church walls. 

 

  "Thank you, Sister. I- I just wanted to sit for a bit. I haven't been able to figure where to start."

 

   "At times, I feel the same. I have even wondered what it would be like to have a family, or what my life would have been like had I not become a nun."

 

 The lady could tell Amelia was yearning to ask her a question many have asked before, including Amelia's mother. The nun took her hand and put it against her heart with her other hand, and with that, she answered the girls' silent inquiry

 

      "I take it from the end." The nun was near tears, but they seemed to be tears of relief. "I was 15 when I came to the steps of this church. Cold, hungry and with a heart so broken, I thought I could feel the pieces of it scraping me inside. This was, and has been the only other place I have ever felt peace and safety. This was where I was healed and loved no matter what my life had done to me and I, to it. So, I remind myself of how I came here and realize that it wasn't just one choice I had made or many, but the choices that were made for me." She became quiet for a moment. Letting her soft words drape themselves over Amelia.

 

     "Do you wonder about...about-"

 

      "Anthony. And yes, I think of him fondly." Her face changed a bit, she let memories enter her mind that had not been there for years. Memories she did not want to reveal to the young girl, not memories like that. Her hands were in her lap now. Feeling on the rosary that was wrapped around her small waist. She knew she was delving too much into her own chaos so she just said,

 

      "This is my home. The people here, my family. What my life was before, in the end, that is what brought me here, to the beginning of my life. I chose to stay here and I know it was right because I smile, dear. Each morning, each afternoon and each night. I smile. Do you know why?" The nun's Irish accent was strong and her voice reminded Amelia of her mothers'.

 

   Amelia shook her head slightly, saying no.

 

    "Neither do I." She laughed. "But I do smile, Amelia.  The nun waited to see if Amelia would say anything, but she didn't. "What makes you smile, Amelia?" The nun stood and smiled down at her. She caressed Amelia's face and walked away. Amelia stayed for a while longer.

 

     Her stomach growled for most of the time and her head ached. She barely ate breakfast this morning and forget about lunch. She was at the hospital in the afternoon and on the train afterwards.

 

      Tossing the keys on her kitchen counter, Amelia took off her shoes and coat and sat up on her counter, next to where the keys were resting. The heat in her apartment was on and much warmer than outside, but she could never be warm enough. By now it had become 6 o'clock and the sun had already set. She started to make something to eat. She ended up making a lot more than she usually does and finished her entire plate as though it had been 8 days since she had eaten, not 8 hours.

 

     Shows on the television came and went and even a few laughs were coming out of her. Thoughts of Seth nor Jordan had entered her mind since she got some food in her. Before she knew it, 6 p.m turned into 1 a.m and she had to be at the office at 9. So, the dishes went to the sink and her pajamas came on. When she finished brushing her teeth she noticed she had not showered. With a shrug of her shoulders, she tightened her sweat pants and put a sweatshirt over her blue tank top.

 

       When she climbed into bed, she felt how tired she was and her eyes burned from waiting to sleep. But, as soon as her head met the pillow, there was a knock at the door. Jordan was in the hospital still, wasn't he?

 

      "Who the hell is that?" She climbed out of bed and walked out and passed her kitchen. Standing a few feet from the front door, she didn't know what to do. Should she open it or go back to sleep? Which choice is the right one? What if it's Seth? What on earth would happen if she let him in? Her hands were on her stomach, holding on to the fabric of the sweatshirt.

 

           Who ever was there, knocked again and one more time. A little louder each time. The steps that were needed to reach the door were taken and Amelia opened the door.

 

 

 

 

Copyright ©2008 Anorin Arssinous