To End the Crusade

A woman leads a group of fourteen people against the odds to end a war she never wanted to fight.

It was a beautiful sight, the sun rising in the valley between the mountains. The chilled spring air felt quite welcoming to the small group of fifteen that stood before the valley in silence. Only a few members of this group were human. The rest of the group were what most referred to as demons: human looking beings with animal appendages. Some had wolf ears and tails, some cat ears and tails. There were even a few bear-like and bird-like beings among the group. But there was one member of this mostly male group that stood out more than the rest.

A teal haired woman with white fox ears and six white tails tipped blue swaying gently in the wind behind her. Instead of armor, she wore a short gray battle kimono, underneath a large black hooded jacket that was obviously too large for her tiny frame. Her yellow-green eyes fixed on the rising sun as a small, sad, smile formed on her lips. A sharp spade-like poleaxe was held firmly in her grasp.

“It is nigh. This may be the last any of us may ever speak, but know that as I stand here before you, it is not as your leader and commander. I stand here as your sister in arms. I fight alongside you to make right the things they made wrong. I am honored to have each and every one of you beside me, for I know very well I would not have lasted this long alone. Thank you for assisting me in my endeavors.

 

"It is time! We end the blood shedding here. We cannot let the death of our fallen be in vain! We cannot let them be shamed by us on this day. So all I can say to you, my brothers, is merry meet, and merry part. I hope we may one day meet again, be it in this life or the next.” Her voice was soft but loud. A deafening roar of cheers echoed her words loudly. They all knew that surviving this last battle would be highly unlikely.

 

"Milady, you bring more honor to us than we deserve. They are proud of you.” One of the armored wolves spoke softly as he placed his hand on her shoulder, causing her to turn her eyes away from the sun to look at him.

 

“I can only hope your words ring true. You have my thanks. Prepare the others. Once the sun no longer meets the earth, we enter the valley.”

 

 

With a quick nod, he'd turn away and move to address the others.

 

A soft sigh escaped her lips as she recalled the day she first met him, her reason for fighting. An elder's shout of rage, accompanied by the repeated cracks of a bladed whip echoed in her mind. As did the silent whines that she had refused to let loose. Then she remembered the gentle voice that had stopped it all. She remembered how he tricked them then, with simple ease and an intelligent mind not often seen in the countryside. How he released her from her bindings before he even knew her name and covered her trembling form with the very jacket she now wore.

 

The singing of the birds, who soon flee, freed her from her memories. With a shake of her head, she turned to look at her men. "We march," she called out her order and began to walk down the grassy slope. Her mind began to wander once more.

 

She remembered the daughter whose life was ended before she'd left her womb due to a careless mistake and the son who had somehow managed to survive. The sound of her lover's rage and her son's lonely wails now echoed in her mind. She remembered the numb feeling that had overtaken her mind and the first laugh her son had made that freed her from the darkness of her mind.

 

A shout from the other side of the valley returned her to the present once more. Across the field, a much larger army of men completely clothed in armor moved noisily toward them, quite unlike the small band of fifteen. Six meters away from the center of the valley, The woman raised her arm halting the men behind her. They were ready to spring into action. Across from her, a hairy human man mimicked her actions.

 

The two stepped closer and she could hear a whisper on the wind urging her forward, cheering her on. A small smile formed on her lips at the annoyed look in the man's eyes. "They send a woman to do battle between men? This is quite comical."

 

"No one sends me. Who do you believe has felled your last three commanders and their men? Who do you believe has slain your generals? If not I, then who?" She said, not bothering to hide the amused smirk that graced her lips.

 

“This is what is left of the mighty, evil, army that once had every kingdom in the nation under their sway, is it not? There used to be five generals if the rumors are valid what cowardice has befallen them to send a woman in their stead? Surrender your troops, and your life will be spared,” he droned on, only to be caught off guard by her taunting laugh.

“My... You really do know not of whom you speak to. I am the last of those five generals. This day your crusade ends. Be it by my death or yours.” She announced with such calm clarity that silenced the environment around them.

The man had a frightened look in his eye, but he hid it rather well. "Then let me end it quickly, for I shall show no mercy!” He moved to strike her. Her bare foot planted itself into his gut, denting his breastplate as he was sent flying back into his troops. His troops stood in awe, for but a moment, before they began their charge.

 

As she readied her weapon to face the onslaught, the image of her fallen comrades charging into battle and the roar that always sent chills down the enemies' spines filled her mind. Blinking, she was surprised to find that, for once, the roar came from her own lips. With her battle cry made, she leaped at the first enemy to get close to her and was surprised a bit at how easily she knocked the shield from his hand. She chuckled as the sharp end of her weapon tore him to shreds. The battle had begun.

 

Battle cries filled the air, accompanied by the clash of steel. The smell of iron was strong in the air, and numerous bodies lay crumpled on the ground. In the center of the fighting, only five of the original fifteen still stood. Only they still drew breath. The woman stood with her four surviving comrades surrounding her in a wide circle. Within the circle, the woman did the one thing she had truly hoped to avoid. She drew a large intricate seal within the circle as her brothers in all but blood held the enemy at bay.

 

When it was done, she stood and removed the large black jacket. Folding it tenderly and placing it in the center of the circle, she'd straighten herself with a soft sigh before focusing all of her energy and sending it into the sky in a blinding white light. The light faded as quickly as the air grew colder. Fluffy gray clouds formed in the sky and snow began to fall as a heavenly voice boomed from above for all to hear:

 

“What would you say to those who set your fate? If there were a way to change the cards you've been dealt? Would you really change your fate despite the price you'll pay? To escape the hate, if only for a little while? Would you give another's life to alter your destiny? Regardless of the strife that is sure to follow?” The fighting had ceased in surprise as the woman straightened.

 

“No! I will never change my fate! I will fulfill the purpose of my birth! The land will know peace, by my hand and no other!” She shouted to the sky as a lone figure, covered in just as much blood as the woman, charged into her circle. An odd chuckle carried on the wind caused him to pause. In her despair, she was becoming the monster she'd been made out to be, but she would not give in to them. She would not let herself be as they wanted her to be.

 

"Now that we've both warmed up a bit, I take it you are finally ready to fight me yourself, General!" She taunted, the cold air seemed to have no effect on her or her brothers for they were used to the sudden icy temperatures that often came with her fights. The humans weren't so fortunate. The icy winds and sharp snow bit at their open flesh and hindered their movements greatly.

 

By her estimate, it was now around midday, and she had long since lost her weapon in the battle. She gathered ice in her hand, willing it to take the form of a sharp spear as the man resumed his charge. The two were locked in a deadly display of skill in the center of the raging battle. Both blocked and struck out with their weapons. The resonating clang of their weapons was quickly joined by numerous more as the battle continued to rage.

 

Hours ticked by as the fight around them drew silent and the sun began its descent. Both were now fairly wounded and knew that the other was growing tired. All but two had fallen, either by blade or the cold. The woman and the General seemed to be evenly matched.

 

“Give up, woman! You don't have the strength to keep this up much longer. I was wrong, I'll admit. You are a worthy opponent. You have earned an honorable death. Stand down and it will be quick.” He offered with a large grin, only to hear her chuckle.

 

“Now if I did that, my family would surely think me a coward. No, I shall never give up so long as I draw breath!” This battle was far more entertaining than she had anticipated. She knew she was stronger than most human men, but this man seemed to be as well. There was no way that he was fully human.

 

“If that's how you want to die, so be it!” The man yelled as he charged her once more, only this time instead of meeting her ice spear, he was startled to find his blade taste the flesh of her chest. The blade had bit into her lung He was further surprised to find the spear had pierced his abdomen and exited the small of his back. “W-what?” He gasped as he stumbled backward, pulling his sword free from her flesh and the spear from her hand. The moment the spear left her hand it began to melt.

 

“You'd have us both die? You stupid woman,” The man yelled out as he fell to his knees. Glancing up, he saw her stumble and sway her way over to the jacket she had so tenderly folded before. She coughed and hacked up globs of blood, though it didn't seem to hinder her. She fell to the ground, unable to hold herself steady, and not once did she seem to care about the trail of blood that dripped to the ground.

 

“Yes, for I chose to die than to be the monster your people have made me out to be. I choose to die as myself, not as a bloodthirsty beast of vengeance. From this moment forth, no more of my kind will be born. No more shall the powers of the elements and the gifts of the gods and goddesses be bestowed upon humanity. With the life blood of those who have fallen today and the souls of you and I, the gods will assist me in separating our existences between two plains. This is the only way I can ensure a time of peace in this land, for man can be just as evil as you perceive my kind to be." Her words were filled with coughs as she struggled to catch her breath. She knew there were still some from both sides of the battle lingering on the sidelines. Waiting to see the final outcome before they would go one to spread news of what transpired.

The man grew silent as he watched her gingerly pick up the jacket and hold it to her chest. In the light of the setting sun, he felt as though his eyes were playing tricks on him. Behind the woman stood three transparent figures: a tall two-tailed kitsune man and a miniature version of the man that held a small infant that resembled the very woman that he now knew to be his end; they were what the war had stolen from her.

 

She fell onto her side, still clutching the jacket with a smile on her face. He knew, then, why she did what she had. With that last thought, he felt a tugging sensation and he knew no more. As his head and torso bounced off the ground, the woman sighed her last breath.

 

12/20/2013

Author's Note

Please tell me your thoughts! I'd really like some opinions. Thank you!

Reviews

[Chris]

Hey, Arrinae,

The story's looking a lot better now that some back story has been added. The war seems purposeful, and the brief memories of the woman's son and husband help characterize her more. This can also be relatable to readers who have lost someone in a war, so that's a plus, and in general, it just helps to make her look more admirable.

There are some unresolved questions, though, or questions that have been created as a result of what back story has been given. What exactly started the war? What exactly did the five generals do? I -think- I might know what you were getting at when the man was talking about them; they were trying to put an end to discrimination and were succeeding. If that is the case, it took me a little time to figure it out, and even then I'm not sure if that might be because I know you. If you -are- getting at discrimination, I'm not sure if it's mentioned well enough in the story yet. The flashback with the husband provides a hint, but I don't know if I see it so easily because I'm well familiar with that scene or if the discrimination is actually implied well enough there. For this aspect, you might need someone else who isn't as familiar with you to look at it (if you can even find anyone on this site who gives actual feedback, that is).

But I digress. There also might be the question of what exactly happened to the woman's husband and son. However, I guess I can also see why not knowing the specifics of what happened to them isn't important, so, really, I guess it ultimately depends on if you think it would lend more to the story to share those details. And finally, I meant to mention this in my first review, but I noticed in the story's description/summary that the woman never wanted to fight this war. If so, then it might be worth trying to show this attitude in the story somehow.

I didn't mention this last time, but I do like the deity's words. It kind of gets one thinking about things. I think the way the deity's dialogue was organized the last time might also have been fine, but organizing it in paragraph form does seem to work better. This way there isn't as much attention drawn to the rhyming, and at least for me, I feel as though my attention was drawn to the message of the words more, as, admittedly, I didn't pay as close attention when the dialogue was in poem form.

I will caution against the use of rhyming, though, for two reasons. One, people may pay more attention to the rhyming than to what is actually being said. Two, it can be easy to fall into the trap of writing something for the sake of the rhyme instead of for the sake of getting the message across. (If I understand my poetry professor right, modern poetry has switched to free verse for this reason...and I'm not sure if I have had this discussion with you yet, which you may want to ask me about.) In this instance, I do think that the rhyming -is- a little overdone, but at the same time, or at least when I read over it, anyway, only the -ate rhymes seem to stand out in the paragraph form. I will also say that the rhyming does seem to be handled well here, too, in that, if I do understand the message of it all correctly, the point of each sentence seems to be made without the rhyming hindering that.

That is all I have to say about the story itself. Since you asked me to point out any typos, I decided I would do that this time. I'm not sure if you also meant for me to look at grammar in general, but I figured I would, so here are my notes for that:

Only a few members of this group was human.

The subject of this sentence is actually "members," so "was" should be "were."


...well I would not have lasted this long alone. Thank you for assisting me."
"It is time now that we end the bloodshed...

In the story, this dialogue is all said by the woman, broken up into two separate paragraphs. When a character's dialogue continues in successive paragraphs like this, the closing quotation mark isn't inserted until that character's dialogue is finished. So instead of what you had up there, it should be:
Thank you for assisting me.
"It is time...
Hopefully this makes sense to you. Sometimes it's hard to adequately discuss grammar in these reviews because of the inability to format text and stuff. If you need me to explain this to you more, feel free to message me and I will do so.


A soft sigh would escape her lips as she recalled the day she first met him, her reason for fighting.

Be careful about using "would" like this. The "would" almost makes the sentence sound hypothetical, or something, like the soft sigh didn't actually happen, and I know this is not what you mean. Therefore, it would make more sense to condense it to, "A soft sigh escaped her lips..." There were two or three other instances where it would've been better to do away with the "would." The two instances I remember were where the would was a contraction ('d--ctrl+f will help). I just wanted you to be aware of them, as I don't think I'll be pointing any more of them out here, partly to save time and words, and partly because I believe it's more helpful to writers if they find and correct repeated mistakes themselves. If you do want more help with this, though, or need more of an explanation for this, feel free to message me and I can try to help you work it out.


The shouts of rage of an old human wise man accompanied by the repeated cracks of a bladed whip. Her silent whines that she had refused to let loose. And the gentle voice that had stopped it all.

These are all fragments. Of course, writers can break certain rules for the sake of artistry, and that's probably what you were trying to do here, but it doesn't seem effective. At least, when I read it, it was a bit clunky for me, and I think part of this is also because of the distance of the narration; if this was close third-person, where the narration would -really- be inside the woman's head, maybe it would work better then, since it would produce a stream of consciousness effect. But since the story is told in distant/omniscient third-person, it might be better to rewrite this part so that it's using actual sentences.
I would say that if you do insist on keeping it this way, insert before this something like, "She remembered it all," as that would probably help to make it more effective, but I would caution this. Again, the point of view seems to be distant third-person, and writing in a way that seems like it might be stream of consciousness would be breaking that point of view.


She remembered how he tricked them then, with simple ease and a intelligent mind not often seen in the countryside.

"A" should be "an."


The singing of the birds, whom would soon flee, freed her from her memories.

"Whom" should be "who." "Who" is like he, she, and they, while "whom" is like him, her, and them. So if we replace "whom" with, say, them, that part of the sentence would read, "...them would soon flee..." That doesn't make sense, but using "they" would, so it should be "who." (Sometimes you have to be careful about correctly identifying which verb the who/whom goes with, as sometimes it might not be as obvious as what you might think, but this trick should work in deciding if the correct word is who or whom.)
(Also, can I just say that the "flee" and "free" sound awesome together? I liked how those words were arranged.)


"We march!" She barked out her order and began to walk down the grassy slope. As her mind began to wander once more.

First, "she barked" is a dialogue tag. Dialogue tags are actually joined together with the dialogue they refer to; in other words, the dialogue is like the subject of the verb "barked." "She" should be lowercase.
Second, "as her..." is a fragment. Omit the "as" and the sentence will be okay.


She remembered the daughter whose life was ended before she'd left her womb due to a careless mistake and the son who had some how managed to survive.

"Somehow" is one word. Also, the rest of this paragraph is composed of fragments, like what was done with the husband's memory.


If not I, then who?" She bantered, not bothering to hid the amused smirk that his words had brought forth.

"Hid" should be "hide."
"She bantered" is a dialogue tag, so the "she" should be lowercase. I might also caution putting the dialogue tag at the end of the paragraph like this. The purpose of dialogue tags is to identify the speaker, if not also to let the reader know how the dialogue is being spoken. If the dialogue tag is all the way at the end of a paragraph, the reader won't get to learn this crucial information until after they've read all of the dialogue, which, ultimately, does not help them. If a dialogue tag is used, then it should be inserted no later than after the first line of dialogue, maybe the second if the lines aren't long.
Also, it's considered to be more professional to use "said," instead of "bantered," "barked," and various other synonyms. The belief is that using such synonyms draws too much attention to the dialogue tag, and if synonyms are used often enough, readers may start to play Find the Dialogue Tag instead of paying attention to what actually matters. (And there's also the idea that if a writer has to rely on a dialogue tag to describe the emotions imbedded in the dialogue, then the dialogue probably is not strong enough. Now, I'm in no way saying this is the case for you, as I think the dialogue in this is pretty great; I'm just explaining the reasons for why these synonyms should be avoided.) Of course, like a lot of rules in writing, there might be times when it's better to make an exception and use the synonyms, such as when writing for a younger audience, but in general, it's best to stick with words like said, yelled, shouted, whispered, and asked.


“This is what is left of the mighty evil army that once had every kingdom in the nation under their sway is it not?

"Is it not?" is a tag question, a question that's tacked on at the end of a sentence. (Like how "right" in "It's cool, right?" is the tag question.) Tag questions require a comma to go before them. Therefore, there should be a comma between "sway" and "is."


There used to be five generals, if the rumors are valid, what cowardice has befallen them to send a woman in their stead.

First, that period should be a question mark. Second, either the first or second comma should be a period. What's written here are two independent clauses, and commas aren't allowed to join independent clauses. Either comma can be changed because the clause beginning with "if" could go with either independent clause. Since you're the writer here, it's up to you to decide which independent clause the "if" clause should go with.
(Or, if you wanted, you could use a semicolon instead of a period. Semicolons might look weird in dialogue, but I thought I'd at least let you know that there is this option, too.)


Surrender your troops, and your lives will be spared.” The man droned on, only to be caught off guard by her taunting laugh.

Unless you do actually mean that the man continues to drone on after he says "your lives will be spared," instead of meaning he's droning the dialogue, "the man droned on" is a dialogue tag. Therefore, change the period to a comma, and make "the" lowercase.
And this will be the last time I point out dialogue tags, as you probably wouldn't want me to keep droning on about them, much like how the man is droning on here (a-hurr-hurr-hurr). Hopefully what I have pointed out so far will give you a good idea of how to correct the rest of them.


“My... You really do know not of who you speak to.

Since this is dialogue, what I'm about to point out doesn't have to be changed if you don't want it to. I just want to point it out for the sake of making sure you understand the rule. If you haven't guessed already, I'm referring to the "who." First, though, because I'm such a nerd, pop quiz time! Which verb does the "who" belong to?

If you guessed "speak," then pat yourself on the back because you are correct! With that answered, let's rearrange that part of the sentence so we can decide if it's who or whom: "you speak to who." If we replace the "who" with a pronoun like "I," we see that this doesn't make any sense. Therefore, it should be "whom."
People usually don't stop to think about the whole who/whom question while in conversation, so, again, it's acceptable to leave it as "who." It's totally up to you on how you want to handle that.


Be it by my death, or yours.” She announced with such calm clarity that silenced the very environment around them. The man had a frightened look in his eye, but he hide it rather well.

Technically, the comma before the "or" should be omitted. However, since you're probably trying to draw emphasis on the "yours," it might be okay. Also, "hide" should be "hid."
It might be a better fit if you moved the sentence beginning with "the man" to the beginning of the next paragraph, where the man talks. (If you did this, you also wouldn't need the dialogue tag, "the man yelled," as the sentence would implicitly state that the man is the one who is talking. That, and, well, it should already be clear to the reader by this point that only these two are involved in the conversation, so they should be able to tell who's speaking without relying on dialogue tags.)
There is also one more error here, but you can probably figure it out on your own.


"Then let me end it quickly for I shall show no mercy!”

Chances are that you might already know this rule since I saw it handled correctly elsewhere in the story, but just in case, I'm going to point it out anyway: there should be a comma before "for." In this instance, "for" is being used as a coordinating conjunction (which, if you don't know, are words like "and," "but," and "so"). Like all coordinating conjunctions that connect two independent clauses, a comma goes before the coordinating conjunction.


Readying her weapon to face the onslaught, the image of her fallen comrades charging into battle and the roar that always sent chills down the enemies spines sounded in her mind.

First, "enemies" should have an apostrophe. Second, you have a dangling modifier here: "Readying her weapon to face the onslaught, the image..." Obviously, you don't mean for the image to be readying her weapon. One way to fix this is to write, "As she readied her weapon..." Another way would be to figure out some way to make the woman appear right after the comma, instead of "the image." Third, it sounds as though the image of her fallen comrades sounded in her mind (if you get rid of "and...enemies' spines," that's exactly what it's saying). You'll have to figure out a way to revise that part, too.


Blinking she'd realize that, for once, the roar came from her own lips, instead of one of her comrades.

A comma should go after "blinking."


With her battle cry made, she leaped at the meat shield and was surprised a bit at how easily she knocked the shield from his hand.

No grammar mistakes here, but I was confused by "meat shield." A typo, perhaps?


With a chuckle the sharp end of her weapon tore him to shreds.

I know it's okay to forgo using a comma in a short prepositional phrase like this, but it might read better if a comma goes after "chuckle."
But that's after you fix something else here: it sounds like the sharp end of her weapon is the one that is chuckling. You'll need to have "she"/"the woman" appear right after "chuckle."
Or better yet, since you've already used some sort of introductory phrase in the previous few sentences, it might be better to rewrite it as something like, "She chuckled as the sharp..."


as a heavenly voice boomed from above for all to hear.

Since this is explicitly introducing the paragraph of dialogue that follows it, it would probably be better to change the period to a colon.


Regardless of the strife that is sure to follow?” The woman straightened and the fighting had ceased in surprise.

This part would probably be better organized if the sentence beginning with "the woman" was made its own paragraph. When tacked onto the end of the dialogue like this, it kind of sounds as though the woman is the one who said all that dialogue. (I would have said that the sentence could begin the next paragraph, where the woman talks, but the part after the 'and" wouldn't make that such a great fit, either.)
If you do follow this advice, then I would also suggest flipping around the stuff around the "and," so that the woman straightening is what ends the sentence. When considering transitions, it might make more sense that way since the woman talks in the next paragraph.


An odd chuckle carried on the wind, caused him to pause.

Omit the comma.


...the cold air seemed to have no effect on her or her brothers, the humans weren't so fortunate.

The stuff after the comma is an independent clause. Commas can't join independent clauses, so the comma should be a period.
Technically, you could use a semicolon instead, but those two sentences aren't that closely related, so I wouldn't suggest it. If you did use a semicolon anywhere, it would be best after "fortunate."


Many were finding the icy winds and sharp snow bitting at their open flesh and hindering their movements.

Should be "biting." Also, to make this sentence crisper, condense it to, "The icy winds and sharp snow bit..."


She had long since lost her weapon in the battle, which by her estimate it was now around midday.

It's clear what you're saying, but the part after "which" kind of sounds confusing. It might work better if rewritten as "By her estimate, it was now around midday, and she..." Doing so can get rid of that potential confusion, and doing so could create better flow from this sentence to the next.


The man quickly resumed his charge as ice began to gather in her hand, taking the form of a sharp spear of ice.

It kind of sounds as though the man is the one gathering the ice, and that he suddenly had a sex change in the middle of battle. It might be better to change the sentence to something like, "She began to gather the ice...as the man quickly..."


The two fought in the center of the raging battle locked in a deadly dance.

There should be a comma before "locked."


Both blocked and struck out with their weapons with deadly skill.

This might be a problem only to American readers, but "struck out" has baseball connotations. I like that word choice, but the baseball thing might pose a problem, so it might not hurt to consider a different word choice.


“Give up woman!

When someone is being addressed, a comma always goes around/before/after the name that they are being addressed by. Therefore, a comma should go before "woman."


You have earned an honorable death, stand down and it will be quick.”

That comma should be a period.


This battle was far more entertaining, than she had anticipated.

Omit the comma.


The man yelled as he charged her once more, only this time instead of meeting her ice spear,he was startled to find his blade taste the flesh of her stomach as the spear pierced his abdomen and exited the small of his back.

This sentence is a bit long-winded. It might not hurt to try to separate it into two or more sentences.


The moment The ice spear

Second "the" should be lowercase.


Glancing up, he saw her stumble and sway her way over to the jacket she had so tenderly folded before she collapsed to the ground, leaving behind a trail of blood.

It sounds as though the woman had tenderly folded the jacket before she collapsed to the ground. One way to fix it would be to put a period after "before."


In the light of the setting sun he felt as though his eyes were playing tricks on him; for behind the woman stood three transparent figures, a tall two tailed kitsune man and a miniature version of the man holding a small infant that resembled the very woman that he now knew to be his end.

The prepositional phrase beginning this sentence is kind of long, so it might be better to put a comma after "sun."
Semicolons are only allowed to join two independent clauses. The "for" suggests that what comes after the semicolon is not an independent clause. Therefore, the semicolon should be a period.
The comma after "figures" might be better if it were a colon.
It should be, "tall, two-tailed kitsune man."
It sounds as though the infant is the one who resembles the woman, not the miniature version of the man. It might be better to rearrange/reword some things.


She fell onto her side, still clutching the jacket with a smile on her face; and he knew, then, why she did what she had.

The semicolon should be a comma because a proper independent clause doesn't begin with "and." Or if you want to put emphasis on what comes after the "and," use a period instead of a semicolon.


As his head and torso bounced off the ground, the woman would sigh as her last breath escaped her so that she could finally reunite with those she had lost.

Here's another instance where it would be better to omit "would." Change it to "woman sighed" instead. The bit after that also drags on a bit. Maybe condense it even more to "the woman sighed her last breath." As for the "so" stuff...I might say it could be better to make that its own sentence by changing it to something like, "Now she could..." Ultimately, though, that's up to you on how you want to handle that.


Her yellow-green eyes fixed on the rising sun as a small, sad, smile formed on her lips. As she stared at a loving face that wasn't really there.

The comma before "smile" should be omitted. The "as" sentence is a fragment. If you want to keep it that way, it might be fine, but I just wanted to point it out.
But really what I wanted to say is that the face sounds almost random because it's mentioned just that one time before the narration mentions her poleaxe. I kind of did a double-take here because of that. I understand you're probably trying to keep some kind of mystery with it or something, but it might be better to briefly describe the face or something.


And that's it. If you have any questions about any of the grammar-related things that I have said, feel free to message me and I'll try to answer them to the best of my ability.

Hope this helps.

[Arrinae]

Thank you again! I really appreciate it. I've gone ahead and corrected everything you've pointed out.

[Arrinae]

As far as what happened to her family, that will most likely come in the form of other short stories, though the next one will be how she and her husband first met.

[Malister Mikey]

This story and ending means much more to me now that I have read the ones before it, And after all she went through I feel happy she can finally rest in peace. I am still amazed you made this story without any names. This is a very great and vivid tale one I'm happy I read great job.

[Arrinae]

I'm glad you think so. And its not even complete quite yet. There are still so many adventures as well as her training trip and her and her husband's reunion to add. I'm working on another now that tells how she first became a slave yhe tgat hjman village and will hint even more at the ways she suffered at their hands.

[Arrinae]

Just think of how amazing it will be when I finally reveal the names of the characters.

[Malister Mikey]

Yes it will be quite amazing can't wait

[Malister Mikey]

Very well written loved it, I felt like I was there in that very moment watching this. I love tragic endings they always are so beautiful in my eyes. I am, happy to of read this.

[Arrinae]

I am very glad you enjoyed it. The full story leading up to this moment is quite breathtaking. It is filled with love, pain, death, violence, heartbreak, rage, bloodshed, vengeance, humor, betrayal. A very tragic tale that even still does not quite end there, but that is a surprise I will not share, not till the very last pages of the book are being woven together. IT is always inspiring when one lets themselves be killed to not only fulfill their mission and goal, but to stop herself from becoming the monster the enemies had made her out to be.

[Malister Mikey]

You did a really good job on this and can't wait to read the full story, I love everything that you just wrote and many of my stories have the same exact thing. I would enjoy it very much if you took a look at my book Unholy Mask, though if profanity and adult content you don't like you may want to read the censored version. Of course if it is not something you would like to do I completely understand. Yes to die instead of becoming the thing you fought against is always a valiant cause. if there's anything at all you would like me to read of yours I'll be happy to, even though sometimes my reviews aren't detailed or long if I post one it means i liked it lol, I'm not the type to read something I don't like. You caught my eye with this story though.

[BethIsRad]

I love this story. The battle scenes are beautiful and cruel, yet you manage to bring soft pain as well. Your words were not wasted- I really appreciate that. Keep writing, we need more beautiful stories like this.

[Arrinae]

Oh I most definitely will. Thank you for the review!

[Ashira Macy]

This story was very well done, I enjoyed the plot as well as the power that this woman possessed. I would say that you could probably afford to extend it if you wanted to, and go back to what happened earlier (the information in your poem could be turned into more story). I couldn't help but visualize the characters in anime form. My first anime was Inuyasha and that had all sorts of demons and half demons running around throughout the series. Well done, this was a pleasure to read.

[Arrinae]

Inuyasha was a favorite of mine growing up.^_^ I will eventually make it into a novel on its own, as my mind is filled with stories of her adventures, as you can tell from the poem. Though I did leave quite a bit out from the poem as I don't have a full timeline set yet of how everything happened in order. It'll probably be a few years or so before I turn it into a book.

[Ashira Macy]

Well keep on writing for her, she is a fascinating character, and I will continue reading. =)

[Arrinae]

Many of my earlier poems are from her point of view. And there is another short story called The Encounter that gives better detail of the day she had met her husband. Once I make it into a book, or even a series of books, I can already warn you that it will only be for mature readers due to violence, language, bloodshed, and adult situations.

[Ashira Macy]

I am not surprised, nor deterred, adult content is my friend. A lot of my stuff is rated mature just to be safe. Don't want anyone's parents spewing flaming words at me in a fit of rage. I will have to do some digging and see what else I can learn about your tragic heroine.

[Arrinae]

That you will. Just remember her life was quite tragic indeed and the bits of peace she did have only lasted a few years at a time. I'll try to keep the story in third person when I write it considering I see everything playing out through her eyes, and I'm not a fan of first person.

I find first person hard to read and very annoying. You'd have laughed if you seen me in school when I was forced to read Mobey Dick. I swear I'd close the book after reading a page and my friends would glare at me till I opened it back up and continued, and this happened after every single page. lol

[Ashira Macy]

Haha, I can understand that. First or third is fine for me. I think I find myself writing in first person more often than I intend to. I think it comes from being an actor. I see my poems as monologues. It is good to exercise both though, it helps you grow as a writer.

[Arrinae]

Thanks I'll keep that advice underwing.lol

[A. Amos]

Gripping and interesting read, truly enjoyed the detail...you my friend are a great story teller!

[Arrinae]

Thank you! I am very glad you like it, Amos.

[A. Amos]

I can see a great movie coming out of your work:) you're most welcome

[Arrinae]

^_^ Maybe one day. That would definitely be nice.

[A. Amos]

All the best and everything is possible:)

[Chris]

So before I begin, you said that you were thinking of making this into the ending of a novel. Since I'm not sure if you want me to treat it as that or as a short story, I will treat it first as an excerpt from a novel, and then add the other notes I would have to say if I was looking at this as if it were a short story.

As a novel excerpt:

There are some good descriptions here, such as the one for Maeya and those for the scenery. The way you describe the fighting is also good; it provides a good amount of action and thrill.

I liked the speech Maeya gives to her group. It's pretty powerful and inspiring. It helps to suggest that she is a good leader. I also liked the image of her being the only woman in the group, the one who also leads. It's pretty cool. It makes her seem that much stronger, and I can't say this for certain because I don't read/watch much fantasy, but it might make this story stand out a little more since it doesn't seem common for a woman to be the main hero in such a genre.

The descriptions of the fighting do help make for a good scene, but since it is supposed to be the climax, it could use a little more tension and struggle. That is, it's pointed out that Maeya and the man are evenly matched since they fight for a while and are both worn out toward the end, but the reader doesn't really get a chance to see that. Maybe try to show a little more of the fighting, or have the man seem to be winning until the end, when they both stab each other.

The man seems to be a cliche villain, where there is nothing redeeming about him or any depth to him. While there might be some readers who don't mind the villain who's bad just to be bad, I think the general consensus is that most prefer villains who do seem like real people. And I guess he also doesn't seem worthy as the main antagonist, as he seems rather weak and not so bright. This might in part be because he's not really shown fighting, but I think it's also because he seems to rely on insults just a -little- too much. That is, I think it's great that he's focusing on the fact that she's a woman because it characterizes him as misogynistic, it's believable for what I assume the time period to be, and then the reader can be like, "Yeah! You go girl!" But everything else makes him look like he's all bark and no bite, which makes him look weak, and a lot of his dialogue does seem rather cliched, like how he seems to constantly try to get her to give up. So, kind of going along with what I said about adding to the climax, try to make the man look like a formidable opponent, and try to make him seem more like a person than some villain (which can sometimes be hard to do, I admit), if that makes sense.

The last two paragraphs were awesome. They wrap up what might likely be the novel's main theme, everyone loves a hero who ultimately sacrifices themselves for the greater good, the vision of Maeya's parents was touching, and, overall, they just wrap up the story the nicely. It's a solid ending. The only minor thing I would suggest is getting rid of the ellipsis ending the closing sentence; the closing would be stronger with just a period.

As a short story:

Including what I said above...

The story would benefit from back story. Like, maybe give the mythology behind the creation of the demons. Also, mention why they are fighting. -I- know why it's happening because I've known you long enough to know what you like to write about, but the reason for the battle is never really mentioned in the story, at least not until the end. But better yet, maybe try to show the discrimination. Maybe start the story a little farther back, before they're on their way to the battlefield, where it shows Maeya (or one of the others, though Maeya might be preferable) being discriminated against. Then it's clear from the beginning why they're heading out to fight. Or if that doesn't sound good, just give a small flashback or briefly describe an instance where Maeya has faced discrimination (do it before they reach the battlefield).

Why is the man (and his troops) fighting? What is his motive? (This kind of goes for the novel version, too, but I assumed that would be established previously in the novel.) Also, unless "the man" is supposed to be symbolic, maybe give him a name?

Speaking of names, be sure to give Maeya's name sooner in the story, and mention it more often (it was only mentioned twice, both of which were in paragraph 7).

Lastly, it might be better to come up with another opening line. As one of my professors once said, opening lines are important because they are meant to draw in the reader from the get-go. While the description of the scenery is beautiful, it doesn't exactly provide a hook. If you did want to keep the description of the sunrise as the opening for the story, then maybe also mention how battle is looming heavily in their minds. That contrast, or even the symbolism of a new day being their last day/the day things change, could be pretty powerful.


Oh, and as for the more technical stuff, I did notice some typos and grammar errors, but I decided not to focus on that. There are two things that I will mention, though. First, remember that each dialogue should begin a new paragraph. Second, within the story, only the ~~~~s aren't needed. Using characters to separate paragraphs like that is only done when the setting changes. If you just want to show that time has lapsed, then just use a line break.

All in all, this is a pretty good start.
Hope this helps!

[Arrinae]

I actually thought I took her name out of it completely, I'll have to go back and edit that. Thank you so much for the advice. I think I may just leave it as a short story, so I'll definately take your advice to heart.

[Arrinae]

Oh and that wasn't' her parents that was her husband and children standing behind her.

[Chris]

Oh, my bad. Sorry, I guess I misread. XD