The war between us

The war between us

A Poem by Atashusi





My enemy,

We are fighting. But we don’t know what are we fighting for. The blood is falling from the sky, there aren’t raindrops anymore. Our hearts are frozen, and our eyes are suspecting a storm.

O enemy,
Our souls will go to Heaven and our bodies lost in war. Let’s keep our hands

together, and combine our souls in one. Let’s be stronger, and resist.

There is still hope, my enemy. Let’s drop our swords, and stop the storm.


© 2017 Atashusi



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Featured Review

Very interesting.

However, " The blood is falling from the sky, there aren’t raindrops anymore" is technically wrong.

It should be "There's blood falling from the sky; there aren't anymore raindrops." or it could be written as "The blood is falling from the sky; there aren't anymore raindrops."

Aside from that, I liked the concept of this piece. It's always better to build bridges than to burn them.

~~N. Brooks
すごい!

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Atashusi

1 Month Ago

あなたへの愛!
Thank you!



Reviews

Atatushi Hi. You sent a Friend Request so I've been browsing some of your writing. I hope you don't mind me saying, but I'm guessing that English is not your language of birth? I say this because I get cross when people don't proof-read and correct obvious mistakes, but I sense with your work that you don't see the mistakes? I say this because your imagery and phrasing are very good, and your call upon the reader's emotions is also good and strong. So the proof-type errors stand out as just a bit odd. So this poem is an excellent example. It's really sad, poignant, and yet still hopeful. (BTW you might like to hear the song 'From a distance' if you don't know it. There are versions by several folk on YouTube). But here's some feedback
- I 'like' the coupling of blood falling rather than raindrops (like is the wrong word - it's horrible but very well written); I agree with the grammatical correction by another reviewer
- Our eyes suspect a storm is better English, but your words are fine if you had a particular rhythm in mind
- Interesting that you see both sides' souls as going to heaven, presumably because you feel that both sides think they're fighting for a just cause rather than being evil
Another song that may interest you .... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXspsfoPX50 ... goodness me how audiences have changed - these look like very middle class white folk out for a protest before they head back to Mom & Pop for a joint on the back porch! But the song remains as satirically biting as ever.
BRs Nigel

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Nigel Newman

3 Weeks Ago

Oh you also write 'we don't know for what we are fighting for'. You don't need the first 'for'. If y.. read more
Atashusi

3 Weeks Ago

Hello.
Yes, english is not my first language, but I always try to correct the mistakes by ma.. read more
Nicely penned and rhythmic. I enjoyed read it. Best!

Posted 4 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Atashusi

4 Weeks Ago

Thank you:)
This is awesome. There is no need of war at all. It only destroys and retards development. For us all,we must crave for togetherness and peace

Posted 4 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Atashusi

4 Weeks Ago

Thank you!
Atashusi,
I found this a strong voice speaking out against negativity and dishonor. How people treat one another can be the same as what is under enslavement. Freedom to love and respect is so lovely in this writing! Loved the line, 'Let's keep our hands together; and combine our souls in one, Let's be stronger; and resist. There is still hope, my enemy, ................amazing job! Blessings, kathy

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Atashusi

1 Month Ago

Thank you =)
Very interesting.

However, " The blood is falling from the sky, there aren’t raindrops anymore" is technically wrong.

It should be "There's blood falling from the sky; there aren't anymore raindrops." or it could be written as "The blood is falling from the sky; there aren't anymore raindrops."

Aside from that, I liked the concept of this piece. It's always better to build bridges than to burn them.

~~N. Brooks
すごい!

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Atashusi

1 Month Ago

あなたへの愛!
Thank you!
I enjoyed this piece. The flow is lovely and you conveyed yourself well with a powerful message and even better emotions...well done

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Atashusi

1 Month Ago

Thank you!
great message
good inputs and weaving of thoughts

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Atashusi

1 Month Ago

Thank you!
Wonderfully put, I like how you turned this request for an enemy into a poem! Lovey!!
Well wrote

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Atashusi

1 Month Ago

Thank you!!
Joey Nizz

1 Month Ago

ur welcome, and thank you for sharing this!
This reminds me of an old kung-fu love story. I really enjoyed it, the only thing I would recommend is changing freezed to frozen.

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Atashusi

1 Month Ago

Thank you:)
love love love this! omg.. I wish we all had this mindset. beautiful work!

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Atashusi

1 Month Ago

Thank you:)

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355 Views
20 Reviews
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Shelved in 1 Library
Added on February 16, 2017
Last Updated on February 28, 2017
Tags: #war #emotions

Author

Atashusi
Atashusi

Furano, Hokkaido, Japan



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