4

part 4 of the story

Chapter 4

But before the end comes the story, the story of love. How they fell into the other's rhythm, how worlds intertwined and two strangers became soul mates. Yes, sometimes the end is sticky and messy but getting there is like a roller coaster ride to the stars.

They met online, like many strangers do. He was bored in a chat room and started posting lyrics to a song he'd once loved. She continued the song and then the conversation started and just kept going. Stories were told and experiences shared; the untold hope of maybe having found love grew quietly.

She was the kind who had to be approached quietly or she'd scramble away frantically and somehow he knew just what to say. Somehow he knew when to draw back and let her come to him. He let her know how important she was and also let her know that she was in control.

But is it really control if it's been given by someone and they have the right and ability to take it away. Who is really in control then? But these are the games of love, where power and control are misused only when the love has left.

Their attraction grew stronger, long online chats became longer phone calls until they decided to meet. Fuelled by insecurities, they made promises of undying friendship no matter the outcome. They'd seen pictures of the other but were worldly enough to know that expectations colour our vision.

It was a simple meeting over coffee. They recognised each other immediately, neither as gorgeous as the other had imagined but neither as ugly as the other had dreaded. He was shorter than she'd expected and she was clumsy - he hadn't expected that.

But the smiles couldn't be taken off their faces. Their corner in the coffeehouse seemed to be lit up by their happiness. They were talking about everything under the sun and it seemed so natural and effortless and lovely and suddenly they were holding hands. How did that happen? In later years, neither would remember who reached out first.

But there it was, his right hand was holding her left. They were suddenly very conscious of every movement, both the other's and their own. But the smiles didn't stop. If anything, they got wider.

Their conversation turned into a whisper and they didn't know why. They were still talking about books and movies and music but the tone was soft and sweet. They stopped drinking their coffee because they didn't want to let go of the other's hand or even move.

Even getting out of there to go for a walk didn't make them stop holding hands, it seemed natural then. They were walking closer, whispering their conversation and smiling their biggest smiles. It was like they'd discovered an exclusive club. Isn't it funny how every couple feels like they've discovered love for the first time?

Reviews

[WillGrant]

I like the story very much, but think you should consider turning it into a short story without chapters. I like the characters and I liked your descriptions of him being the port to her storm. However I think you cover a lot of their past by breifly telling us parts of their life. It may be better to show some of these moments in actual scenes and have them play out. It's one thing to tell me she is depressed and suicidal, but something else to make me feel it by showing it through actions. I think overall though you have a very interesting story to tell and I look forward to reading more of it.

[Athena writes]

That is such a great review. Thanks for the thought and ideas. I will certainly look towards fleshing the characters out more in the next chapters. I'm glad they make you want to know more about them. I want to know them better also and your review is helpful in giving me a direction. I'm genuinely very grateful.

[richieb]

You do a wonderful job of describing you characters now bring them to life by letting them show the readers how real they are. Your story will have more depth and lengthen the readers interest. I really enjoy reading this story. Richie B.

[Athena writes]

That sounds beautiful. I want my characters to sow the readers how real they are. Any suggestions or examples please?

[richieb]

You have a wonderful opportunity when your characters meet for the first time. Indulge them in awkward nervous conversation. Him cracking his chewing gum, her playing with her hair. use your imagination, have a humorous incident, one keeps repeating them self or mispronouncing a word. Have fun with it. Richie B.

[AbilaKay]

I am really impressed with your writing - it flows with wonderful portrayal of emotion. Writing a book is so hard, and especially romantic description of attachments. What really helped me, was the suggestion to "show me, don't tell me". And that is the hardest thing to understand. Let actions show how people are attracted to each other. But your actual writing is beautiful! I am new to this group and I don't know how reviews are rated, so I don't know what to put down - I am not a teacher grading a test! I hope you keep writing more chapters and finish your work!

[Athena writes]

You're right about the show not tell part. I'm still struggling with that. I really appreciate your feedback because it makes me think about what I'm writing and not just being all stream of consciousness about it.

[Carolynn]

Well I've thoroughly enjoyed all your chapters so far. I relate to so much of what you say and love how you describe everything so effortlessly and casually. So much of her character - even though very different from my own I just connect with for some reason. I've never suffered the kind of depression that leads to suicidal thoughts but I understand how easy it could be to fall prey to those thoughts - I love life too much so would never allow my mind to stray there. Over all wonderful story so far and look forward to reading more of it. I'm expecting to learn more about why she has those thoughts in your next chapters. This could easily capture the attention of many readers whether it ends up being a novel or just a short story!

[Athena writes]

You are so kind. Thank you for letting me have faith in my characters because they are so alien to me. My usual style is funny and sarcastic so I was terrified how these would turn out. Your words have lit up my world. It will most probably be a book because I'd like to see it in print someday. If you could, could you tell me what you think about there being an unhappy ending?

[Solar]

Of all the chapters, this one seemed to gel best. I like the reference to the back story - thus adding texture.

[Athena writes]

Thanks so much for noticing the details and reviewing this. I appreciate it more than you know and will be more mindful when doing throwbacks.

[Solar]

You are welcome. I too appreciate and learn from reviews of my writings- so looking forward to your feedback.

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good chapter. Love is odd. It shall find us when needed.
"But the smiles couldn't be taken off their faces. Their corner in the coffeehouse seemed to be lit up by their happiness. They were talking about everything under the sun and it seemed so natural and effortless and lovely and suddenly they were holding hands. How did that happen? In later years, neither would remember who reached out first."
The above lines were perfect. Thank you for sharing the outstanding poetry.
Coyote

[Athena writes]

You are really kind. I needed some unbiased validation really urgently.

[Coyote Poetry]

The story was very good. A steady pace and you made the characters come alive.

[Athena writes]

Thank you. Self criticism isn't easy to live with because the bad stuff is easier to believe.