AW & AE Carved in This Tree for Eternity

A poem i wrote for my woman it is being put on the picture of a tree i drew once i get the chance ill put it on here. My first love poem so be very critical

The Earth, The Moon

The Skies, The Seas

Could not separate

You from me

 

If a mountain

Was standing in my way

I would just tear it away

To see your smiling face

 

I would gather my lasso

And throw it up high

To tear down the moon

And the stars from the sky

 

I’d mount them apon a ring

A ring made of gold

To give you the largest diamond

You would ever behold

 

They say the sky is the limit

But babe… I’ll prove this wrong

For there is no limit

To where my love for you cannot soar

 

So I carve our names in this tree

To prove to thee

It will always be you and me

Forever for eternity

 

                     With Love,

                     Hippy

Author's Note

its my first love poem be very critical and leave a reveiw

Reviews

[Subjective Sanity]

She's lucky. : )

[Moth Phoenix]

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww adorable!!!!! ^.^
Great job Hippy :]

[DBURKE]

I think the idea is awsome but I agree with Angelheaded hipster it is a little cliche- maybe if you play with the words a little or go further like (just an example) the first stanza could go "Life, death or some torturous disease could not separate you from me" _ or stanza two "If I was burried eight feet deep then I will climb seven and a half just to see your smiling face" Im not saying use these words just trying to pull it away from the moons and stars. I cant say I dont like this poem because it is very romantic and sweet. I am anxious to see (if you revamp it) what it will turn out to be

[Angelheaded Hipster]

Hey kiddo...a little lovestruck and swoony are we? I like the write, its heartfelt, but youre asking for critical eyes, and here I be.

First off, it sounds cliche. Mountains moving, crumbling, being worn away by love...been there done that repeatedly in songs, movies, and poetry. I get what youre saying, but its too...Hallmarkish.
Lassoing the moon for a diamond piece, I like the imagery, but again, lassoing, hanging, anything with the moon and love has been done since man first looked up into the heavens.

I like the last stanza about the tree. Thats also been done, but here, it fits, its a young love, new to both, I am assuming.
What I would reccomend is that you go back to this piece, and grab a dictionary and thesuarus and play with the words that you want to convey. Tearing something down isn't passionate enough for me. I tear up paper when Im bored...

I do like the sentiment though. Its very heartfelt.