Controlled

“Can you describe her?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t- I can’t remember.”

“You have been seeing her for five years now.”

“Fine- she… she… why am I here?”

“You need help.”

“Put me in a mental hospital! Give me pills or medicine! Talking won’t help.”

“What you need right now is to express your feelings. It helps, trust me.”

“Fine, okay. I get it, I get it… what was she like? Well… she was caring and she wore-... no.”

“Yes?”

“She wore the same thing. I only remember her in that one outfit. How did I not realize it!? Stupid! I am so stupid!”

“What did she wear?”

I remember her, standing there still.  Her blue summer dress reached her knees. I always liked the white polka dots on her dress. Her leggings reached her knees and her white small button sweater was just a little shorter. It hung on her like a cape or a robe. I remember that she usually had her hair in a braid; I would beg her to let it loose because it suited her better. Her blond curly hair would flow to her back and her bangs would come out and cover some of her eyebrows. For most people, it made them look weird but for her, it just made her green eyes stand out.

I wanted to be just like her. I hated my volumeless brown hair and boring brown eyes. My mom told me that it looked nice on me but if I didn’t like it, I could change it. I was looking forward to that day when I could dye both my hair and eyes. I was allowed to do so on my thirteenth birthday.

“Your thirteenth birthday. That’s next week, isn’t it?”

The girl nodded as a reply.

“So it will be six years since the accident and a year since you realized. That’s important. Can you tell me what you remember about the accident?”

“It’s not much but I suppose it won’t hurt.”  

The year was 5674 Time C. It was actually the first day of the year. The colors were brighter than usual. It felt as if the blue star was shiner, the grass was greener, and the cherry blossom trees were in a rainbow of colors. It was just so pretty and perfect, like a new year miracle. There were people in the streets celebrating. Families hugged each other and kids ran around with the fireworks that they were going to set off at night. Everyone was wearing bright colored clothes with smiles plastered on their faces.  

Everything smelled so nice from the fresh fruits growing on the trees to the smell of brownies and cookies which filled our bus. It was such a nice mix of smells. I kept on inhaling the smell and then exhaling it again. It made me more relaxed, more in control. It felt as if nothing could go wrong. It clouded my head with happy thoughts.

I remember seeing so many bulletin boards everywhere. They said things like “And let the 5674 Time C start” or “Our  planet, Mortem, wins another year from Time”. They were all so boring slogans but I suppose nothing matches with 5674 Time C. Despite them being so boring, I liked the slogans; they had cool designs and they- I suppose I am going off topic, am I not? Well, then let’s get back.

We, my mom and I, were on the city bus going to the park for the annual Time festival and ritual . The bus was crowded so it made everything more humid and hot as if the weather wasn’t hot enough already. But even that didn’t feel bad. The day just felt… perfect. It was as if Time had used its magic to make the day so nice and fulfilling. Anyway, I had to sit in my mom’s lap because there weren’t any more seats left. We were the last ones on too.

Then it happened. It was normal for one second ; I was talking with my mom; she had her hand stroking my hair as I blabbered on about the Iris ritual, my favorite. Then I heard a scream and that perfect day ended. Just like that, it was gone. Perhaps I should have known that it wouldn’t have lasted, but, it’s not fair.  

“And you had no recollection of the accident?”

“No.”

“But it was the only bus accident in the last forty-three years. You didn’t see it in the news or anything?”

“My parents- well, my dad, hid me from those things. He was worried about what could have happened if I found out the truth and he was correct, just look at me now.”

“But he couldn’t have kept it from you forever.”

“No, but he did for five years. I have to admit, that is impressive. Plus, I was in a six-month coma, and when I woke up  I had no recollections of the accident. Heck, I didn’t even know that there was an accident until last year.”

“Very well, now that we are past the past, can you tell me about the day. You were told the truth from your... cousin?”

“Yeah, Snyder took me to the spot and well…”

I was confused about why we were where we were. I looked up to see if I could guess why from his facial expressions but I couldn’t. For the first time in his life, Snyder looked serious. This just made me more nervous.

I asked him, “Why are we here? Like seriously Snyd, I want to go home. I don’t have a good feeling about this.”

“Just be patient my dear,” my mom smiled. She was wearing the same thing. She stood behind Snyd, which blocked the wind in her direction. Instead, the wind came from her side, making her loose hair blow perfectly in one direction.

I smiled at my mom. She always had a way with me. Just like that, she had me under her control, her spell. My mind relaxed a bit. The butterflies in my stomach flew away. I felt more calm, more in control, and all because of her smile.  

“I suppose I can wait for an explanation, mom. Snyder, feel free to explain why we are here when you want. Just make sure we don’t spend the whole day here,” I flashed a smile at Snyd.

Snyd flinched. His feet started to shuffle, and his hands rubbed against each other, both of which was a nervous habit that I knew about Snyd.

“What?” I asked. My eyes narrowed and my voice came out a little sterner than I how I intended it.

I didn’t want to be mean or anything, I was confused about why we were there and not at the park. It was the fifth anniversary of the accident but I, of course, didn’t know that. To me, it was just an another new year. And being in someplace else made me nervous.

I looked up at Snyd and looked away quickly when I noticed that he was staring at me too. Instead, I noticed the little blue bag this one girl was carrying as she walked by us. I focused my vision on studying the leaf designs in the corner of the bag.  

“Ariel, do you remember what happened here exactly five years ago?” he asked breaking the uncomfortable silence that has come forth before us.

I shook my head. “No. I don’t even remember this place. Why?”

“Ari, your mom died five years ago. On this spot, right here.”

I laughed, was he trying to play a prank on me? But my laugh stopped when I noticed that Snyd’s face was serious. A sinking feeling placed over me.

“What are you talking about? Mom’s right ther-.”

I gasp, she wasn’t behind Snyd anymore. When did she go away? Where was she?

“What?” I started to panic, she wasn’t anywhere. I took a step away Snyd.

“What joke are you playing on me? Stop it!” My heart started to race, my legs trembled. I felt that the tears from the corner of my eyes were going to come out. I didn’t want to cry, I wanted to be strong for mom, like how she was always so strong for me.  

I felt my self-confidence slip away. Suddenly I was aware of all the people around us. I could see my brown hair from the corner of my eyes, of how ugly it looked. I shook my head and again and again.  

Snyd tried to put his arms on my shoulder but I shrugged it off. My feet shuffled, my heart beat faster, my whole body, soul, mind, exploded.  

“Ariel, your mom has been dead for 5 years now. You have been imagining her for the last five years.“

Suddenly mom appeared behind Snyd, flashing her award winning smile. But instead of the feeling of my everything returning back to me like how I always did, I felt even more sick to my gut.  

I pointed my trembling finger toward her. “But… she is right there,” I whispered. “She...is… there. Why are you lying to me? Why?”  

Snyd looked behind him and like a hologram disappearing, she too disappeared, little by little.

“But, but….”  My face stung; it just hurt more and more as tears swam out escaping the prison of my eyes.

Snyd placed his hand on my shoulder again, this time I let him. “Ariel, there was an accident, do you remember it? A bus accident.”

My head started to feel dizzy but a sudden memory of a bus upside down came to me. My legs started to shake along with my hands.

“No… no,” I whispered. “No, no, I refuse to- just no!”

“That’s not possible. No. I refuse to believe. NO!” the tears slipped out of my eyes even more. That was it, I couldn’t hear about it anymore. I kept on repeating “No,” over and over again.

Mom wouldn’t have left me, I thought, she wouldn’t. This wasn’t happening, it was just a really bad dream. My heart felt as it is was being ripped out of a cage of lions as a thought occurred to me that she could leave me. After all, nothing wasn’t permanent, was it? Not even her...

Snyd took a step toward me again but I took a step back,

“Ariel, you had a…” Snyd started to say something but my ears rang and  I couldn’t hear or make out what he was saying.

My stomach started to feel sick as I heard an ambulance and someone scream “a lady dead. A lady dead!”.

“My legs then collapsed and the only thing I could make out was Snyd holding me and people coming over to help. When I was in the ground, I thought I saw a pool of blood and next to me was my mom. She had her blue polka-dotted dress on, her golden hair loose, and her bright green eyes opened but they were froze and expressionless. She wasn’t standing, she was laying beside me. She was dead.”

“When did you find out that you had a head injury that caused for your brain to think that she was alive all this time?”

“Right after I woke up from my coma six months later.”

“Do you remember anything about being in a coma?”

“No.”

“How about your mom, have you seen her after that?”

“No.”

“Do you miss her?”

“Yes.”

“How did it feel when she wasn’t with you anymore?”

“How does it feel when someone who meant everything to you just goes away? They gave you confidence, an identity, and then they go away with all of that, leaving you to suffer alone. Now, you don’t have any confidence in yourself. You have to force yourself out of bed, force yourself to chew when honestly, all you want is to crawl away and never wake up. You can’t go outside because it seems as if everyone is judging you. It’s hard to even face my own family.”

...

“You know, I think that Snyd was right. She was toxic. She made me feel better but honestly, she was just killing me on the inside. She was tearing me apart and I didn’t notice it until the very end. I might not have even if it weren’t for Snyd. And now? It’s too late for help. No amount of help will help me, I might as well be dead inside.

There was a time when I thought, ‘Hey maybe I never imagined that that was my mom. Maybe, I was just imagining a better version of me!’ And do you know what I thought after that? I thought about how wrong I was because I could never, never, be as good as her. Not in my dreams and definitely not when I am mental patient. I can never be able to put smiles on people’s faces. I am broken, and I always will be.

Everyone thinks that I will get better and I know that it’s possible, but at the same time, I can’t. I can’t reach it. I hate it. I know I am loved but, it’s like why bother. Plus being in seven different medicines’ no help at all. Do you think that I can get better?”

...

“Do you?”

Tara Allison put her pen down and stared at Ariel. She stared at the twelve-year-old girl before shaking her head. “I don’t know. But we have to try. Trust me, okay?”

The bell rang indicating that the session had ended.

Ariel smiled at Tara, tears escaped her eyes. “Thank you. Thank you for being the first to be honest. Thank you.”

Both of them stood up and Tara nodded at Ariel. Ariel went to the door and looked at the blond therapist with bright green eyes staring back at her with a smile of hope on her face. A feeling came into Ariel, like how her mother’s smile did. But this wasn’t that same toxic feeling, it made Ariel have a sense of herself.

Ariel nodded weakly at Tara and opened the door, her hands trembling from the medicines. And then, she left.

Author's Note

Just a little story...
https://the-dreamer-inside-me.blogspot.com/2016/11/controlled.html

Reviews

[_Hanabi_]

This was beautiful. I love how you carefully and slowly described her. The beginning gave me a sort of futuristic vibe i must say. The whole "5674 Time C" thing and how it was another planet. Gave it a very nice feel :)

[Bhumika Devkota]

Thank you very much!!

[Urja Gokani]

amazingly written keep it up !!

[Bhumika Devkota]

Thank you!