Shapeless time

This poem deals with the situation of multi-personality. A man who is been commanded by his other person within him, driven by all thgins the core person deniad.

Verse 1

Breaking through the shapeless time,

Fulfilling the commandment,

Powered by the voice from within

I don’t know what I follow,

Blind devotion guides my path,

To this place, so vast but hollow,

Feeling less sane with every breath

 

Chorus 1

Disturbance surrounding me

Someone preaches my words

Consumes my head

This is my shattered world

 

 

Verse 2

Waking up, did I even sleep?

Blurred memories refuse to float

Suddenly I lose control

I don’t show, try to swallow

Divided by deep denial

Into this place, so vast but hollow

Stray and wander in my mind

 

Pre chorus

Lurk in the victim's psyche, what do I really seek?

Pandemonium in his head, these cracks he cannot seal

Vengeance is my name, as i lie ingrained in me

I'm a shipwreck, drowned into the sea

 

Chorus 2

Disturbance surrounding me

Someone preaches my words (it's upon me)

Consumes my head

This is my shattered world

Disturbance surrounding me

Caught up between these walls (they’re upon me)

Be gone unwelcome friend

You shatter my world

 

Quote

With every day, and from both sides of my intelligence, the moral and the intellectual, I thus drew steadily nearer to the truth, by whose partial discovery I have been doomed to such a dreadful shipwreck: that man is not truly one, but truly two

 

Chorus 2

 

Reviews

[Sean]

Interesting piece. I like the style, but I think you might need to improve on the grammer for example : "Feel less sane with every breath", might be better as "Feeling less sane with every breath". I like some lines like "Into this place, so vast but hollow"

"Vengeance is my name, I lay ingrained in me", might be better as "As I lie ingrained in me." 'Lay' is past tense, but you said "Vengeance is my name" which is present tense, and the other half still exists, thus it has to be 'lie' and not lay. :) Just my advice, take it as you will. Good effort otherwise. Nice idea. And perhaps instead of intellignce, you might want to consider the word, conscience, or consciousness.

[Laura Maidah]

Oh I just noticed... the title says "Shapless". I think you mean "Shapeless". Haha. I came back for a second read. It's that good.

[Laura Maidah]

The marginal issue I had was in Verse 2: verb tense agreement. You "lose" control, right? Not "lost"? Maybe I misunderstand the meaning and you intended past tense. But it is preceded by "Suddenly..." so I assume it's not passed action. Otherwise it's conceptually magnificent. And thanks! I didn't even catch the "wicked" redundancy. I had to edit because of your crit! :)

[Balance]

thank you! well i dont originally speak english so thank you very much! ill edit the song. about the intellignce part, its a quote so i dont know if i should change it in order to keep it authentic

[Brooklyn]

interesting...i haven't seen anyone else write songs on this website. keep uo the good work