Go Kill Me

Answers for Las Vegas

So, I said to these guys, “Gentlemen, lets’ go over this one more time just so we all agree that we are understanding the same things.  You control all the levers of power in Washington.  You, Mr. McConnell, run the Senate and you Mr. Ryan run the House and you both promise me that you will be able to get this done?”  I couldn’t believe that they agreed, but I had to admire that they had only one central principle that guided their every act -  Money and Power, because they are indistinguishable.  Most people are kind of squishy on a lot of things because life is situational.  Like me, I am generally against killing people, except for today.  Not these guys though, their moral hollowness allows their inner meanness to manifest itself and stay single-mindedly on the task of enrichment.  This enrichment always leaves a path of destruction, but that is for others to haggle over.

 A few days ago, when a reporter shouted to the Speaker “Now that we have had 60 dead how many must get killed at once before there is any action? 100? 200? how many?”   His, under the breath mutter of “probably more” was picked up on the mike before he had to rush off to other pressing matters.  His answer made me think that perhaps there was a path forward to sensible gun legislation.  I know that on a personnel level none of these people in Washington care how many of us get killed, only who kills us.  Had the piece of s**t who killed those in Vegas been on a prayer rug and been named Mohammed, we would have bombed two Muslim countries by the end of the week.  Rich, white guy, there is nothing we can do, other than say it is too soon to talk about regulations, and just like the phase “Thank you for your service” as a way to absolve ourselves of any actual involvement “Thoughts and prayers”.  If a plane crashes, before the embers are out, the FAA is looking to see if any regulations were violated or could be improved to prevent a similar crash.  But if you die by gun " f**k off!

Now that I had an opening, I needed a way to get to speak to Misters Ryan and McConnell.   Guess what, you give a certain amount of cash to people’s campaigns and other PAC’s it is really easy to get one, even two, of these a*s-holes to sit down with you.

In retrospect, it was incredibly easy to strike a deal with them.  I asked them just how many people must be killed in a single gun fueled incident before they thought everybody would demand a return to strict gun controls and it could pass with no complications?  Not surprisingly, because they must have had this conversation before, they both simultaneously answered, 500.  I next posited to them, “would a billion dollars each, minus some expenses, be enough for them to guarantee, on pain of death, that if a mass killing of this scale occurred they would get comprehensive gun control legislation passed?”  Without so much as even a glance in each other’s direction, they both said yes. 

We then had some back and forth over various technical details such as when the money was to be paid - once the required legislation is signed into law.  Where does it go- various Russian and other off shore accounts, PAC’s, Foundations, a couple of sex clubs, and various friends and family members for “Consulting work”. 

Once I got the list of their wants and needs, I laid down mine.  The legislation needed to pass within 7 days of any future 500 +/- total deaths in one real gun happy day and they didn’t all have to be at the same location. The legislation must ban any auto or semi-automatic weapons and the ammo that fuels them.  All existing guns of this type are to be turned in for cash, after which it is a fine and jail time to have one.  All remaining guns must be registered and there is a mandatory 30 day waiting period to purchase a new gun from any source.  The same day when this future massacre occurs they will both announce that they will be donating $ 100,000 to each of the families that were killed in the inevitable hail of lead. The $ 50 million is a pittance of the $2 billion they are going to get. 

After reviewing the details and writing them down on a sheet of paper and making 3 copies and each of us signing them in blood, and pinky swearing an oath and then tucking them away.  Mitch, shoved his down his pants for some reason, really weird. 

Strange as it might seem doing all of that was the hard part.  Getting 500 peopled gunned down will be the easy part.

I am writing these final thoughts as I sit here in the bowels of the stadium of the LA Coliseum with 110,000 totally psyched up people packing the stands.  The same great excitement is taking place at 4 other stadiums around the country.  I don’t know if it is appropriate to call them fans.  Even though this is going to be cataclysmically awful, I have never been prouder to be an American.   When I started the GO KILL ME page I never imagined the amount of support and participation that would occur. 

Since Mitch and Pauly didn’t really think at all about the details of so much death at once, they just assumed it was only a matter of time, like never.  After seeing the actions of so many brave average citizens once again, this time in Las Vegas, I knew that I had an answer.  Pay per view.   If a bunch of random drunk and stoned people will shield strangers and take a bullet for someone else, I was sure that plenty would take a bullet so some future someone didn’t have to.  So that is how “Kill-Tastic 2018” came to be.  It just made more sense to get all the killing done at once rather than just limp along at 40 to 50 a clip.  That is not getting us anywhere.  Mowing down a bunch of little kids in NY didn’t get anything, we got to get to the magic number.  And now we know, it is 500.  For a frame of reference, the single deadliest day during the Iraq war was 37 killed.  Think about that!  An active war with every mother-f****r in sight having a high-powered weapon and they didn’t get a kill total that would require a scroll notice across the bottom of the weather channel if it was done domestically.

I figured that I could start an internet campaign to get the killing together.  I always believed that I could get 499 other citizens to sign on with me.  I would happily give my life today if I thought it would save thousands of others in the future.  I am old, got nothing real important going on and this would be a real cool thing to do on behalf of society.  What rational, moral, God-fearing, God-loving, God-Damned patriot wouldn’t give up their life if they knew it could save as many as 20,000 people a year?  I am amazed that it even got off the ground let alone became the highest grossing pay per view in history.

This is a big wide beautiful country with a lot of real good people and a smaller bunch of a*s-holes, that last group doesn’t count.  Since almost all of us already want some form of stricter gun control and evidently, as each new mass killing shows us, a lot of us is willing to take a bullet for someone else, why not combine the two.  Thus, began the craze known as the GO KILL ME campaign. To the dismay of the distinguished Mitch and Pauli they forgot to mention any sort of prohibition against the organization of the mass kill since they wrongfully assumed that only Washington pols are so heartless and uncaring.  Even they wouldn’t do this:

 

 

 

 

 

GO KILL ME

Senator Mitch McConnell and Speaker Eddie Munster Stunt Double Ryan have agreed that in exchange for miserly $ 2 billion and 500 people getting killed by one or more deranged men in a single day they will pass comprehensive gun control legislation within seven days of the blood-letting.  The NY Times and The Auto Trader of Roswell, NM have notarized copies of the agreement these gentlemen have signed. 

We are looking for 476 (me and 24 others friends/family are already in) additional citizens who would like to be sacrificial offerings to the gods of guns for one last time. Minimum age 21, unless you are Make a Wish Foundation material, then suit yourself. All successful applicants must pass a competency exam and have a plausible reason to want to get your guts blown out on worldwide TV.  No suicide applications will be accepted, but you will be directed to a mental health professional.  Our preferred candidates are the elderly, the infirm, those with very short life expectancies and folks that carry the Ginger Gene.  All applicants must be ambulatory either on foot or with a device such as a walker or wheel chair, but that equipment must be suitable for a grass field. Each successful murder victim will have a payment of $ 100,000 sent to whomever they specify on the release forms.  They will also be given $ 50,000 to provide for any necessary funeral expenses and as many family and friends they can afford to attend their “Last Supper and Bacchanal”.

In addition to needing the volunteers to take one for the team we also need a minimum of 15 psycho killers.  If you are a legitimate Psycho Killer threat please submit an affidavit from your mental health professional testifying that you are mentally capable of such an act.  Also, all successful PK candidates must agree to follow standard PK protocol and kill themselves when they have reached their quota.  Separate commemorative pistols will be used for this.  Available on Ebay once the bad feelings from the whole thing die down. 

There will be five separate venues where a “Team” of three PK’s will have unlimited fire power in their quest to blow away all their 100 victims.  The PK in each park that gets the most kills will have the option of suicide or to be killed by the police.  The PK with the most kills of all the events will get to fire a single clip into the stands prior to being shot to pieces by the attending police.  Something to think about for those of you interested in tickets to watch live.

For the successful applicants, both victims and killers, you and a companion will be provided with one-way transportation to your personnel killing field and your return trip will be in a box. Your companion will get a seat for their return trip so they can accompany your body. You will also get reasonable accommodations and meals prior to your getting your sorry a*s blown away.

 

As everyone knows, the site attracted over 20,000,000 people who sent in their qualifications.  Every day when we reviewed the submissions we were constantly in tears. 10’s of thousands every single day of the wretched, the old, the infirm, the healthy, the young, the poor, the well to do, military, police and firemen, emergency room people, clergy and even two Amish folks, all willing to take one for the country. Not a single elected Washington official volunteered though.

Every single one of the applicants was saying in some fashion, “It would be an honor and privilege to get shot in the f*****g face and have the bullet travel down through my organs and then finally out my a*s.  I would endure it twice if I could, just to rid our nation of the scourge of guns.  You can come by and shoot the s**t out of my dying body if it means that nobody ever must hear of a bunch of little kids getting shot again.” 10’s of thousands of time each day we were shown true courage and sacrifice and the smallness and cowardliness and distain that the entire Washington establishment feels for the average American became even more evident.  The other thing that we were amazed by everyday was the inpouring of support for those that were volunteering to go all Roman Colosseum.    10’s of millions of citizens saying how much they respected and loved those that were willing to sacrifice for them and their families.    

As you might expect the cable companies stepped right up and got the pay per view gig together in remarkably short time.  Not surprising though given that the best to date is a take of $ 400 million and less than 5 million viewers.  The best Super Bowl was 120 million and the minds of the cable world viewed it as a possible global market of at least 300 million, with 100 million in the US alone.  The reason viewership in the US was expected to be so good was that we promoted it as the revenue was going to various causes such as financial support for past victims of gun violence and the sensible thing was to pay for the program, unplug your tv so no one could watch and go do something that will make your neighborhood a better place. We also know from consulting various professionals that getting the stadiums full would not be a problem if we could assure a camera free environment so people couldn’t be outed for paying good money and showing up to watch the slaughter.  This is America, so of course we put together tour packages with airfare, hotel, commemorative silver-plated assault weapon and shuttered bus to the stadium.  An extra billion in revenue.

$ 3 Billion of the estimated $ 10 billion the event will generate will be devoted to offsetting some of the costs of past gun violence.  $ 2 billion go to the evil twins, one bill is for local politicians and the various permits and waivers and the remaining $ 4 billion will be made available to anyone that can come up with a useful stunt to produce universal health care.

Last night at the “Last Supper” was the single greatest moment of most everyone’s life.  We had a big dinner for everyone and their guests, open bar, great weed in the parking lot.  Rivers of tears, aching jaws from laughter, lives relived in moments, lifelong friendships made in an hour, that will end in hail of bullets today.  All sadness completely overwhelmed by the knowledge and the joy that in less than 24 hours our country will be a better place and an inexplicable madness will have been purged from our soul.  Once in a break from the laughter, it struck me, that a short distance away the PK’ers were also getting ready.  I started to cry when I thought how horrible it must be to be so fucked up to be over there where there is only madness and hate and not here with us where there is love, peace, commitment and understanding.

Side note here for you social scientists.  A bunch of social and physical misfits doing a Dead Man Walking routine can be incredibly brutal in its application of humor.  Most of us have agreed that we will not just stand passively to be gunned down, this is our last act, so act we must.  We agree that running around and making it as difficult as possible for the PK’s is only fair to the viewing audience.  Most of us envision some sort of Keystone Cop thing with some pushing wheel chairs and those in electric chairs doing figure 8’s and stuff.  One fit lady, Rhonda, is going to cartwheel her way through the show, figuring it gives a harder target and is more entertaining to the fans. Three enterprising folks from Minnesota showed up with targets printed on their shirts front and back.  Cool side story, they got $ 20 large from Target to wear the shirts.  There are folks that will show up in chicken, squirrel, deer and Trump costumes. 

I can hear the last strains of the National Anthem so it is time to get ready to take the field.  This is not like a start to a NFL game.  The average age is 62, there are 13 folks in wheel chairs, 16 use walkers and another half dozen use a cane.  It will take a half hour to just get us onto the field and spread out.  There are 100 of us here and no one is upset, no one is nervous, no one is regretting their decision.  It is amazing how joyful everyone is, I am so glad I am here.