Look Around

My first slam poem. It isn't my best work but it isn't bad(according to me). Please, tell me what you think but try to be nice because I am not good at taking things lightly.

Look around you,

See the terror.

Look around you,

See the war.

This is happening,

In our schools.

This is happening,

Everywhere.

People are dying,

People kill.

Children are crying,

The war goes on.

Look around you,

And see the death.

Look around you,

And make a change.

Make a difference,

Stand up for what’s right.

Make a difference,

And stop the war.

Stop the dying.

No one shall kill.

Stop the crying,

And end the war.

Make it not happen,

In our schools.

Make it not happen,

Anywhere.

Look around you,

Stop the terror.

Look around you,

Stop the war.

Author's Note

Ignore grammar problem, but tell me what you think.

Reviews

[Robin Saxon]

I like the way this flows, its message is simple, but at this moment in time very poignant.
Personally I would have ended each segment with 'Stop the war' as in

Look around you
See the terror
Look around you
Stop the war.

This is happening
In our schools
This is happening
Stop the war

and so on and so forth, that way the idea is pushed on the reader throughout the poem.

However, as said in my review of 'The sky it Cries' this is just my opinion, how I feel.
A thousand others would say different of that I'm sure.

[Wild Rose]

Lovely sentiments
I was brought up with a raging war
Dad's who would never come home > What do you say to them to ease the pain ??
People want things the next man has
Other want to prevent you advancing your circumstances
Greed, Prejudice is all around
We must all do our best to do what's right
Keep fighting on to make our place a better place to live

[Donna]

Jacob, I loved it! Very nicely written! Good job!

[Resa]

Hi there !
I began writing around fifteen as well.
You have talent, and you're asking that your work be critiqued.
That's the making of a serious writer, in my humble opinion :)
Also, I agree with the advise given by Robin.
Thank you for sharing!
Resa

[Einstein Noodle]

strong flow ..i like the short quatrains ...the form as a whole reminds me of a sharp knife as i am led straight through to its point ... i like your youthful voice .. 15 yrs old!!! good for you!!!! violence lays deep in the dark places ... we have laws against it ... which do help keep it in check .. but it is to the heart i hear the plea going to ..we have to change our hearts ...:( its unfortunate that there are those who choose to express their violence in some warped sense of being somehow vindicated ... big heavy sigh here :(( nice work with your poem says i ..wouldn't change a thing ...straight forward socail/moral commentary and plea .. well done!
E.

[The Iron Horseman]

A very rousing, moving message, making very good use of simple declarative sentences. This drives its point home very well. Keep up the good work, Jacob.