Mental Pictures

The wipers of the car were working overtime as the car pushed down the narrow road back home after a long night at the county fair. John squinted, as if that would help him somehow see more clearly through the haze of rain that had caused the fair to come to an abrupt halt. His wife, Evelynn, was glued to her phone trying to update her Facebook page but clearly wasn't having luck as implied by her occasional huffs and sighs. His three-year-old daughter, Ava, was asleep in her car seat in the back, and he would sometimes steal glances at her in his review mirror. He still marveled at how she had gotten to be so beautiful. It had to be Evelynn. According to his wife, Ava had “his dimples”, but the way she'd always said it-with a scrunched up face and a shrug of her shoulders-told him that she knew all the pretty came from her. He didn’t care anyway. If Ava turned out half as beautiful as Evelynn was, he would still have a tough time when it came to boys in high school. But for now, she was three, asleep in the back of the car. No boys to be seen. There was only a few miles left back to the house, and the torrent of rain continued to make it appear as if they had just plunged into the lake down the path behind their home.

            Classic Dr.

The sign flashed brightly reflected by his headlights notifying him that they were almost there. It was the final intersection before their house which they had bought only a year ago. It was perfect because it was close enough to both his and Evelynn’s parents’ houses, yet far enough to where they didn’t necessarily feel obligated to visit every week. As the intersection approached, he suddenly became aware of how tired he’d become during a quite lengthy drive and wanted nothing more than to carry his daughter up to bed and follow suit shortly thereafter. He glanced over at Evelynn, face lit by her phone's screen, made brighter by the darkness surrounding them. 

"Hey. I love you." He said.

"Hey to you, too." She responded, turned off her phone, and faced him, a smirk just visible on her lips, "and you'd better."

Her face became lit again, but by a light from outside of the car. They were crossing Classic Dr. now, and Evelynn's eyes widened staring past him as a loud obnoxious horn forced its way into John's ears, clogging his mind like a dark cloud...

 

~~~~

            John was fully aware of how quickly he’d sat up in bed and was sure he’d woken Evelynn as a result of his spasm.

“Morning.” Evelynn’s soft voice greeted him. She was lying on her side propped up on an elbow and a hand on her head. He wondered how long she’d been awake like that, watching him sleep.

“Let me guess.” she continued, “The boogeyman… No, was it the headless chicken? I know how much you hate that dream.”

“That's not a dream, Ev. That one’s a nightmare.”

She turned away from him momentarily to smack the alarm that John hadn’t even noticed was still going off.

“How long have you been awake?” He asked.

“Only a few hours” she said, the sarcasm so slight it was almost unrecognizable, “sometimes I just stand next to the bed without moving and watch you all night. You didn’t know?”

“Oh, I knew. That’s why I sleep with a crucifix under my pillow.” he teased. He leaned over and kissed her forehead.

“I love when it’s Saturday.” He stretched, “It is Saturday, right?”

“No, you’ve been asleep for the past 96 hours. It’s Tuesday. You have four missed calls from work, I’m pregnant with a second child, and Ava is packing up to leave for college.”

“How does that timeline even make sense?” He laughed.

“You missed a lot.” She smirked, ignoring the fact that her sarcasm very seldom had any legitimate realistic bearing.

“Do you and your smart mouth want breakfast? I know a guy who knows a guy who knows the number to a delivery place that you can actually text, and they’ll bring you Denny’s straight to your door.” He said sliding out of bed.

“My smart mouth is full, but I’m famished. And even though I’m impressed by the level of laziness you’ve been able to reach so early in the morning, how about I just cook something and save us both the bathroom break?”

“My ideas are never good enough for you are they?” He pretended to complain.

“Your bad ideas lead me to my good ones.” She joked.

“Your cooking is a good idea?” He questioned, one eyebrow cocked mockingly. 

Evelynn considered this for a moment, tapped her chin with her index finger three times, and finally said, “I think there’s Poptarts in the cupboard.”

            They stared at one another for a long moment then, as if they both reached the same conclusion at precisely the same time, high-fived and went in opposite directions to get ready for the morning. John waltzed into the bathroom to shower and shave while Evelynn, having heard the baby monitor respond to Ava’s awakening, walked into the room across the hall to avoid the inevitable crying that would occur were she to be left alone for even a second after waking up.  The house was quickly becoming a home to them. Everything was baby-proofed and gated off, and John constantly found himself tripping over Ava’s toys or slipping on tiny socks that took advantage of the smooth finish of their all-wood floors.

            After he finished in the bathroom, he strolled downstairs to find Evelynn entertaining Ava, who was in her high-chair, with some sort of variation of Peekaboo where she used Ava’s hands instead of her own to cover and uncover her face. Every glimpse of her mother’s goofy smile sent Ava into a torrent of laughter.

“You’re going to make her dumb.” John said waltzing to the fridge.

“The inevitability of your fifty percent already sealed that casket. At least she’ll be pretty” She retorted, continuing her game with Ava.

“Thanks, Love… Where are my poptarts?”

~~~~

“Where’s the other sock!”

“Left or right?”

“I don’t know! The other one!”

            He was crawling on the floor looking under tables, lifting up couch cushions while Evelynn was putting a peanut butter and jelly sandwich into a zip lock bag and into a Barbie lunchbox. The cause of all the commotion: Ava’s first day of kindergarten. Evelynn had just finished packing the lunch box and was heading down the hallway to put it in the little pink backpack sitting by the front door when John cut her off.
“Does she really need two socks?” He asked, throwing his hands in the air in defeat.

“Probably, John. She’ll look weird otherwise.”

“Maybe that will delay boys from liking her for a few more years.” He reasoned.

“Did you check in the pantry?” Evelynn offered, continuing toward the front door.

“Ohhh, right. Thanks,” he said as he rushed back into the kitchen, remembering Ava’s favorite hiding place beneath the shelf with all the cereal.

Sure enough, the tiny sock was sitting on the floor all alone. Normally they would have simply gotten more socks from her bedroom; however, these ones were her favorite, with pink stars patterned around the ankle and equally pink polka dots covering the rest of them. A weight now lifted off his chest, he brought the sock back to Ava who was sitting patiently on her bed, one bare foot and one polka dot-sock-covered foot dangling freely as she hummed to herself a tune from one of the shows she liked to watch.

“YAY!” She clapped when she looked up and realized John had found the final piece to her ensemble. 

“Alright, kiddo,” he said as he put the sock on her foot, followed by her tennis shoe, “you’ve got your first day of… College? Is that right? No, it’s something else. It’s on the tip of my tongue--”

“Kindergarten, Dad!” She grinned.

“That’s right,” he nodded. “Kindergarten. I remember when I was in Kindergarten. I had a teacher named Mrs. Love. She would always hand out candy on the first day of the week.”

“Really?” Ava’s eyes grew wide in curiosity, as if she were being told the biggest secret in the world.

“Yep. Maybe your teacher will do the same thing.”

“Ohh I hope so.”

            Just then he heard the car start in the garage, and he looked at his daughter for a moment. Her big blue eyes radiated excitement and wonder. She had grown so much so fast and she already looked freakishly like her mother, with all her blonde hair and her round cheeks. She did have his dimples, that much was certain, and she had also inherited his half grin that showed up whenever she was happy.

“Come on, Dad! It’s time to goooo.” She pleaded, bouncing up and down on the bed.

“Alright, alright, let’s go, kiddo. Time to get that candy.” he said as he picked her up and kissed her on the cheek. She giggled and wiped it off but hugged and kissed him back. John took the moment in, because he knew it would never come again. He would only see his daughter happy about the first day of Kindergarten once, and he wanted to remember it.

            

~~~~

Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday, dear Mom. Happy Birthday, to you.

“How many candles are on this cake?” Evelynn asked curiously.

“At least 18. How old are you again?” John replied.

“I’m 21 today.”
“So that makes that three years in a row you’ve been held back to 21.” John pretended to be concerned, “You’ve really gotta start taking that exit exam to get to 22 seriously.”

“Maybe just one more year.” She laughed as she blew out here candles.

            John leaned down and gave his wife a kiss.

“Get a room.” complained Ava.

“The whole house is my room.” John ensured, and it only spurred him to kiss Evelynn longer as he shoved a hand in Ava’s face, making purposefully sloppy kissing noises as his daughter’s near gags forced him into a fit of laughter

“You two are disgusting,” she protested, “why can’t I have normal parents?”

            John pried his face away from Evelynn’s and looked at his daughter with a smirk.

“I sincerely hope you carry this mindset with you into Junior high this year. What is it, boys are gross, right?” He prodded.

“I have no interest in them, Dad. They are immature, and I am a young lady who needs more than that.” Ava said, and John could almost see her nose turn up in pretension.

“Have you been watching Dr. Phil with your mother again?”

“That’s got nothing to do with it.” Ava said in defense.

“What’s wrong with Dr. Phil?” Evelynn's asked, her face twisting in confusion.

            John turned and stared at his wife for a moment as if no explanation was necessary, then faced back to his daughter.

“Speaking of going back to school, do you have everything you need? Books, notebooks, paper--"

“Pencils, pens, and an excitement and joy for learning?” Ava said, cutting him off mid-sentence and rolling her eyes, “Yes, Dad. I have everything I need.”

“Good, because school is in two days and I don’t feel like going back to Office Max on a Sunday.”

“On second thought,” she started to say, “I think I’m starting to have a propensity for Junior High boys now.”

“Propensity? Nice word. But if you think my fear of you having a boyfriend will get in the way of you having an education, then you can push that envelope and your mother can home school you.”

“Oh good. At least I know that birthday wishes DO come true.” Evelynn said crossing her legs.

“Don’t worry, Dad.” Ava assured him, “No boyfriends for me.”

 

~~~~

            

“Who are you texting all the time?” John interrogated from across the room, still not taking his eyes off the baseball game.

“No one, he’s just a friend.” Ava said with her face almost pushed directly against the screen.

“He?” John raised an eyebrow at that, “do you pay him to do your homework?”

“That would explain all the good grades.” Evelynn chimed in from the kitchen, “She does have half your brain, John.”

“No, I don’t pay him to do my homework, Dad.”

“He does it for free? He’s a real gentleman. I think that’s real marriage material.” Evelynn nodded, tears filling her eyes from the onions she was cutting.

“I’m not going to marry him!” Ava pouted.

“Listen, Ava, I know we made that deal a few years ago about you not having any boyfriends,” John sounded like he was talking someone off a roof, “but you are in High School now, and if he’s doing your homework for you, the least you could do is take him to a movie"“

“Oh my GOD.” Ava shouted, “he’s not my boyfriend, and for Pete’s sake, I do my own homework.”

“Alright alright,” John put his hands up as if a gun was being held to his head, “Evelynn did you feed it before it went to sleep last night?”

“And I’m not a gremlin, Father.” Ava glared, but a smile crept to her face as she went back to her phone.

“So what’s his name?” Evelynn asked.

“Jack.” Ava replied.

“Remind Jack I used to work for the CIA.” John added.

“You never worked with the CIA.” Ava argued back looking up at him.

“Jack doesn’t know that.” He said as he turned back to his baseball game, “You don’t know that.”

 

 ~~~~        

  “1-2-3” Evelynn said as she snapped the photo of the couple.
“Is that it?” Ava pleaded, “You said it would be one picture.”
“Yes, but I didn’t say how many ‘ones’ there would be,” Evelynn retorted, “now act like you’re happy.”

            Ava smiled and leaned into Jacks arms. She wore a white dress that went down slightly past her knees, and sported matching high heels. Her long blonde hair was done into curls, courtesy of Evelynn, and she wore a white rose corsage on her wrist that Jack had brought her. John watched with his hands in his pockets as his wife showed no end to the photography. He didn’t mind. His daughter was going off to prom, and he couldn’t lie to himself, he didn’t have any disagreements over the boy she'd chosen. Jack had made his way into her life a few years prior and had always seemed to be there for her, which was a trait he very much appreciated. 

            And now she was off to prom, the final stage of a girl’s High School experience. Where did the time go? He remembered her bouncing on her bed ready to go to Kindergarten like it were yesterday, smiling at him at the prospect of getting candy on Monday mornings. If he looked hard enough, he could still see the five year old in her now 18 year old self. She definitely had grown to resemble her mother, and he didn’t blame Jack for asking her to prom. He could only see himself as he looked at the young man, imagining his prom with Evelynn almost twenty years ago.

            They finished with the pictures finally, and John could tell Ava was anxious to leave. He was more proud of her than he could have ever imagined. Truth be told, he was proud of himself too. He’d successfully raised a young woman who had been accepted into several different colleges and who was going to attend a top rated California school in the Fall. Evelynn stood by the belief that it was mostly her doing, but he knew the truth. He constantly reminded her that the Mrs. Love candy story had been a lie and had attributed that tale to the enthusiasm Ava had always shown for school. Her response of ‘whatever’ had always been taken by him as passive acceptance that he was right.

            John and Evelynn watched as Ava and Jack headed out to Jack’s car parked in the driveway. Jack opened the door for her, and before she got inside, Ava turned around to look at her parents. John caught her eye as she smiled and waved. He took another mental picture of the passing moment; a moment he would never forget.

~~~~            

“No, we need white flowers, not red!” Evelynn screamed into the phone, making John cringe as he changed the channel to Sports Center.

“I think you need to say it a little louder, Hun.” He said over his shoulder to her, “spell the word ‘white’ for them too. People love to feel stupid.”

“You’ve had two weeks to fill this order and now isn’t the time to be asking about what COLOR the flowers are supposed to be!” she yelled again.

“You’re not spelling.” John cut in.

            Evelynn had become a control freak ever since she had been put in charge of the plans for Jack and Ava’s wedding. John didn’t care how violent she became or how many times she swore into the telephone, as long as he didn’t have to plan anything. He hadn’t even had control over his own wedding, and he wasn’t trying taking control of someone else’s if he could avoid it. It had been six months since Ava had called them telling them that Jack had proposed to her. Obviously, Evelynn had cried, and the feeling had been surreal for John as well. His daughter was going to get married. His little girl. But over six months he’d gotten somewhat used to the idea, meaning it didn’t keep him awake at night anymore, and he even sometimes got involved looking at Ava’s ideas or the orders Evelynn had placed. The wedding was set to be in one month, and from the sounds of the phone call, the planning was going great. Evelynn hadn’t broken anything yet, so John took it as a sign that things were going as expected. Ava had chosen her dress, but was exceedingly covert about the unveiling of it, stating that not only was it bad luck for Jack to see her in it before the wedding day, but that it was bad luck for any male in the family to see it period before the actual ceremony. John wasn’t the superstitious type, but he had conceded for fear of the wrath of both the women in his life.

            After what seemed like a lifetime of yelling, Evelynn hung up the phone and slumped next to him on the couch.

“You did well, love.” John said, patting her on the leg, “I don’t think those florists are gonna’ recover from that reaming.”

“It wasn’t a reaming,” she denied, “it was a very direct set of guidelines and instructions.”

“I can’t hear you,” John said squinting, “I turned my head toward you during the conversation and I think my ear-drum burst.”

“Oh, let me see.” She said looking genuinely concerned as she leaned over getting closer to his ear.

WHACK.

“OWW! What was that for?” John whined grabbing a pillow to shield himself from any further onslaught.

“My bad.” Evelynn cooed, “I thought I saw a bug.”

 

~~~~

           

 A month later, John stood in the grass in the backyard of the place they’d called home for over twenty years. On his arm was Ava, looking somehow more beautiful than ever. Everyone in the crowd, all close family and friends, were turned in their seats watching them prepare to walk down the aisle. John could feel Ava shaking slightly, and knew it was out of excitement rather than fear, but he put his free hand on her forearm which prompted her to look up at him with her mother’s big blue eyes. He smiled reassuringly at her and she returned the look, his own half grin. As if on cue, the music began playing and he started to walk, leading her down the white walkway to the man at the front. He could see ahead of him, Jack, waiting patiently like a child on Christmas. His frozen demeanor broken up slightly by a nervous sway John was certain only he noticed. Jack’s eyes were locked on Ava, and the corners wrinkled as he smiled more the closer John and Ava came. When they came to a stop, John leaned down, kissed Ava on the cheek, looked at Jack, and gave him an approving nod as he turned to sit beside Evelynn in the front row.

            The ceremony seemed to go by quickly as Jack and Ava said their vows and exchanged their rings. It felt almost blurry like a dream to John as they kissed and turned to face the crowd as everyone clapped and cheered. John looked at Evelynn who wore a smile bigger than the sun, and he could see she was welling up from the joy. She looked at him through increasingly puffy eyes.

“I love you.” He said, taking her hand in his.

“I love you too.” She said. But as the words left her mouth, the scene began to twist and blur like water down a drain, and Evelynn's voice faded into the distance.

            Evelynn lying on her side smiling at him on a Saturday morning. Ava playing peekaboo in her high chair in the kitchen. Ava swearing she would never have a boyfriend. Evelynn blowing out her birthday candles, and following it with a kiss. Ava taking pictures before prom. Ava smiling at him as she got into her date’s car. Evelynn smacking him playfully for mocking her people-skills. Ava standing with Jack, newly married. And Evelynn, looking up at him with dark blue eyes saying ‘I love you’.

            The images flashed through his mind as the horn forced its way back into his consciousness. John didn’t have time to react as the truck ran through the stop sign and railed into the side of their sedan. Tires squealed as breaks on both cars failed to alleviate speed, and soon the sensation of weightlessness took over as the car began to roll end-over-end off the road way.

 

~~~~

 

Evelynn sat in her chair in the back yard that had been her home for 20 years. She watched in pride as Ava and Jack turned to face the crowd that clapped and cheered. Despite all the happiness she felt at that moment, she wondered if he knew. She wondered if John could see how happy his daughter was now, how successful she’d become. She didn’t know how likely it was, but she hoped he saw something of the life she and Ava had had. Pushing those thoughts away for another time she looked back up at her daughter and the smile on her face.

She took a mental picture, because she knew this moment would only happen once.

 

Reviews

[Jack Wolfe]

The wipers of the car were working overtime as the car pushed down the narrow road back home after a long night at the county fair. John’s eyes were squinted as if that would help him somehow see more clearly through the haze of rain that had caused the fair to come to an abrupt halt. His wife, Evelynn, had her eyes on her phone trying to update her Facebook page but clearly not having luck as implied by her occasional huffs and sighs. His three-year-old daughter, Ava was asleep in her car seat in the back, and he would sometimes steal glances at her in his review mirror.

Try and omit needless words and to put your subject/Main Character up front.

The (Wipers of the car) were working overtime. (The windshield wipers) or even just (the wipers were working overtime)

John’s (eyes were) squinted. What do you squint with? (John squinted).

(As if that would help him somehow see more) clearly through the haze of rain that had caused the fair to come to an abrupt halt.

John squinted, trying to see through the haze of rain. The downpour had caused their evening at the fair short. (Or other variant.)

His wife, Evelynn, had her eyes on her phone trying to update her Facebook page but clearly not having luck as implied by her occasional huffs and sighs.

His wife, Evelynn, had her eyes on her phone, trying to update her facebook page, having no luck based on the occasional huffs and sighs.

His three-year-old daughter, Ava, was asleep in her car seat; he stole glances at her in the rearview mirror.

I really enjoyed the concept of this story, the flashing of his daughters life before his eyes before the impact of the truck; also, the mother reflecting at the bottom. A great premise for a story, the problems I came across were all technical, like the examples above. Omit needless words, go through your sentences and find places where if you omit words it doesn’t affect the sentence, if you can replace three words with one do it to make your sentence more concise. I normally would tell you to show more than tell, but seeing as this is a flash; it would become too drawn out if the entire story was shown. Also, try and make sure you breaks between ages are known. A couple times I had to go back, to make sure, a simple double space or *** would show this break. I hope this helps some. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to contact me.

[Bkraky]

Thanks, I appreciate the feedback, it all makes sense.