Ancient Egypt's Real Secret

Ancient Egypt’s Real Secret

Everyone knows about the Egyptians, and how they worshipped the feline Gods. How they mysteriously built the pyramids and what the actual meaning of the stunning Sphinx means. But no one knows the truth about the horrible, blood shedding past of the ancient, cursed Egypt.

Hell was urgently trying to claim over the horrified land of Egypt. Demons were spilling out of the cracks of the floors. Every man and women was trying to fight the creatures but, of course fell to the same gory end.

Death was the only salvation left.

The pharaoh of the land Cleopatra was running desperately to her room, gasping for breath in every step for one reason only. To be succored, only with her treasure and power. As she busted into the room she was to find an eight foot naked demon with the torso of a female human and the limbs of a cockroach. Its head was a deer’s with blood gushing from its eyes and mouth. It was eating the dead bodies of the guards. The unfortunate queen gasped and vomited to her left, that attracted the creatures attention and it heavily pounced onto her. Ripping out her organs and swallowing them whole. Cleopatra was in shock and couldn’t fight back; she didn’t die until the demon crushed into her heart, ending her.

Because Cleopatra was no longer, the surviving citizens were waiting for the order of command. When word got out that the best pharaoh was brutally killed, the priest had gotten the idea to travel overseas to persuade the emperor of Rome, to bring his army and save the nation. The plan was set and ready to be used. The only dilemma was that Cleopatra was dead and she was the only one who could actually persuade the emperor and save what’s left of the nation.

Cleopatra’s sister, Cleopatra the sixth had heard the news and was so delighted that she squealed with joy. She had always hated her sister. Cleopatra took her name, that’s why she always was called Cleo, not to mix the two. Her father, Ptolemy always disgraced her from the family. But now she was dead and she thought that Cleopatra deserved every single drop of blood that ran out of her cold body. Cleo was so overjoyed, that she didn’t even see the devilish wolf that was creeping up on her from the window outside the fort she was hiding in. It glared at her and snarled, drooling with excitement that it was going to have fresh dinner soon. As it squatted and was ready to pounce, it was stabbed from the waist through the body and out the chest. Cleo gasped from the whining of the in pain demon, and looked up at her savior. It was the priest with his long staff that had penetrated the creature. He took her hand and they ran out of the fort to safer grounds, in the unground emergency tunnel.

When Cleo and the priest were underground with what was  left of the survivors; the priest had vividly told out the plan. Cleo had to dress up as the pharaoh and travel to Rome to sexually seduce Julius Caesar into join armies, and saving the land. Cleo despised the thought of acting and looking like her sister.  She finally put her selfish needs aside and traveled overseas in a boat filled with petals of roses. She  wore the brightest, smallest colored cloth. It took 5 days and nights but they finally arrived during dawn to ancient Rome. The moment Julius Caesar had seen Cleo, he immediately fell head over heels in love with her and under her command. She used him to bring his army down to Egypt and help fight their battle. It was a bloodshed massacre and not many people survived. There was ripped limbs and organs everywhere. Mixed animals and human parts of demons; either dead or still alive, feasting on the remains of the Egyptians.

The Egyptians loved and worshipped their Gods, they would use luck charms and cast out evil entities from the village. But no matter how much they ‘believed’ they were blessed or helped by the Gods; they were still in reality and the reality is, bad things always happens no matter what you do to prevent them.

You’re surrounded by evil and there’s no way to escape the truth.

End

Reviews

[jeridel]

It's an OK read. It still ventures off into fanfiction, especially with the typos and grammatical errors. English grammar is a must to make your writing sound clean and fresh. Also, remember what voice you have. In the first paragraph, you're the narrator holding the audience at a distance. In the last paragraph, you're the narrator looking straight at your readers. Are you the narrator? Are you Cleo? Stick with that voice, or else, readers get confused easily. Were there wild wolves in Egypt during that time period? I would imagine it was so hot, most dogs would overheat and die. Research is key when trying to make an alternative history believable. You can clean up this piece by proofreading (even hitting that "Spell Check" button helps!) and staying within your voice.

[HavenMarie]

Nice story. :) I liked it

[Blissful Sin]

thnx a ton!

-Bliss

[Rachel]

I like it

[Unknown]

Nice

[Schyala]

It's a really good start, but definatly needs to connect better with the history and needs a better beginning, the beginning should hook the reader in and not make it seem like a textbook. Add more description, suspense, variety of vocabulary, and also Cleopatra had an affair with Marc Antony, not Caesar. Hope I wasn't too harsh! But this will be really amazing with a few fix ups :)

[s y e]

Good start, it's an interesting story line.

You need to re-read it and correct spelling mistakes and punctuation mistakes. Some sentences need to be looked over as well, nothing major, just read it over and work on it.

[Blissful Sin]

I'm going to get that done today! Thanks for your input!
-Bliss

[Infurno-Blaze]

very interesting storyline. Although a few spelling mistakes need to be fixed and a few sentences need to be structured properly. But a job well-done, enjoyed reading it.

[Barbara Walker]

Your basic story premise is good, lots of imagery in here. The structure, punctuation and spelling needs a bit of work, but on the whole tells a good tale.

[Blissful Sin]

Sorry for the troubles, I hope it didn't bother you to much. But really thank you for the review I'm going to get that fixed very soon! Your words mean a lot!
-Bliss

[Rhianne Ney]

I've heard of this but you made a rather nice spin off of the tale, great job for being able to put this one up (: There are some mistakes on words though but I'll let that slip by. Your point is clear.. for some reason, I don't actually patronize whatever is in the History of wars since it's full of unimaginable things that can make me vomit while thinking of it. I'm not directing this to your story though so keep writing

Best regards,
Rhianne Ney

[Blissful Sin]

Totally know how you feel x) I'm sorry if I didn't get the history part right; but I'm really glad you liked it. :D
-Bliss

[Rhianne Ney]

You're welcomezz