A Mothers Love

A story about a man who doesn't realise how much his mother sacrificed for him.

As I layed there with my dying mother in my arms, everything faded to black as I had a flashback to my 5th birthday. That was the first time I had seen my father lay his hands on my mother. My mother had worked over time and picked up extra shifts at the diner just so she could afford the fire truck cake I cried and begged for. It was bright red and had little fire fighter action figures on it. It was only me and my mother who celebrated my birthday that day. We played all day and celebrated together, opening the only present I got that day. My mother had saved for 3 months just so she could afford the remote controlled police car that I had asked for at Christmas time. My mother had just gotten half way through singing happy birthday when my father stumbled in slurring and mumbling words I didn't understand. He walked towards the table and tripped over the toys I had left laying on the ground falling face first into my cake. He was so angry when he stood up, he wiped the cake off his face looked to the ground had seen that he had tripped on my toys, looked at me and started yelling. " leave him alone it's not his fault " my mother screamed. All of a sudden my mother was laying on the floor with blood dripping down her face. There was cake all over the floor and all over the walls. My father was kneeling over my mother screaming " not his fault ? Everything is his fault. He's a mistake, a worthless ungrateful little s**t who doesn't deserve the life I have given him " my father then turned to me & whacked me across the face. I fell of my chair and was laying curled up in ball on the floor crying for the mum. He raised his hand one more time and just before he hit me I heard my mother in the background screaming " leave him alone, please don't touch him. I'm sorry " she cried. She grabbed his fist and begged him to not touch me. My father then looked me with hate burning in his eyes and whispered, your lucky boy.

Author's Note

Can I get your guys thoughts ? I'm thinking about writing a book or a short story and this is what I've gotten so far. I want to see what other people and writers thinks

Reviews

[JayG]

First, a whack over the head: Have you really forgotten everything you've learned about such things as paragraphing? Aside from breaking a solid block of indigestible prose into manageable pieces, they provide spots to stop for a breath, and so act as a kind of long comma, and a space to absorb what the previous paragraph said.

Of equal importance, this is a transcription of you telling the story to the reader. But when you read it, yourself, your mind places you into the emotion the speaker is feeling as they narrate, which means your voice is filled with the proper emotion. You know when to sigh, when to appear to beon the edge of tears. When you read, you're performing, as any storyteller will, and supplying the emotional part of the story via that performance.

Your tone, cadence, and many more aspects of speech convey the emotion. And while doing that, your expression, movements, gestures, and more, add to it. But not a trace of that makes it to the page. And your reader can't guess at how to read a line because they don't know what it's going to say, as you do. And after they read it, it's too late

Have your computer read it aloud for you and you'll hear what the reader gets, which is not at all like the way you intended it to sound.

That's why we can't just write a story as we would speak it. When you read tour own words, the proper image appears in your mind. In fact, it's the image that generated the words. But will those words generate the same image in the mind of someone who hasn't experienced those events? No, which i why we must use different presentation techniques on the page than in storytelling, or film and stage presentations.

Look at a few lines as an editor might:

• As I layed there with my dying mother in my arms, everything faded to black as I had a flashback to my 5th birthday.

You're thinking cinematically. Our vision doesn't really shut off. The character might, though, close their eyes and think back to that time.

• It was bright red and had little fire fighter action figures on it.

This is a visual detail the reader can learn of, but does it matter to the story? The point of this is that the mother is abused, not what was on a birthday cake the reader can't see.

Were this a film, the reader would see the cake and what's on it at the same time as the action that matters takes place. But unlike vision, where it all comes at once, on the page we must mention things one at a time. So by forcing the reader to read about irrelevant details, you slow the action.

• He walked towards the table and tripped over the toys I had left laying on the ground falling face first into my cake.

The second through sixth word in the line are unnecessary. If he trips and lands on the cake it's obvious that he's both walking and moving toward the cake. Make inference work for you, because the fewer the words the faster the read. And a faster read makes for a story with more impact.

• ... looked at me and started yelling. " leave him alone it's not his fault " my mother screamed.

Here's where a paragraph makes a difference, As written, HE started yelling , "Leave him alone..." when you really mean the mother said it.

So here's the deal:

while the spelling and grammar we learned in school matter, pretty much none of the writing techniques we learned in school work for fiction because they're meant to make us useful to employers. That's why we wrote so many reports and essays and so few stories. They were teaching us nonfiction writing skills.

Fiction takes a very different approach, one that's emotion, not fact-based. Instead of reporting what happened, to make the reader "know," we make the reader feel what the protagonist does. Why? Because the reader is seeking to be entertained, not informed.

The necessary skills are no harder to learn than were the ones we've already learned—though it does take time and work to perfect them. And your local library's fiction writing section can be a huge help. But those skills—the ones the pros take for granted—aren't optional.

So keep writing, of course. But at the same time, put some time aside to pick up a few tricks-of-the-trade. You'll be glad you did.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[aj milton]

Yes, A vivid "memory" from the pov of the little boy, which paints a good picture of that day.

I agree with Vanessa, if you wish to develop as a writer you will need to learn to deliver the structure for prose, as well as tidying up the obvious typos and grammatical errors.

But remember that creativity has to come first, so first and foremost keep writing and practicing. Just spend a little time on the side learning technique.

[Bobby]

Thank you so much, I don't know anything about writing this is all knew to me and I'm thankful for your constructive criticism I can't wait to learn more and grow as a writer.

[V]

This is intense, life's violence is hard and almost shocking to read at times. It's already entertaining as in providing a good reading flow and common thread yet it needs polishing. I mostly write poetry so I might not be the right one to give advice on a short story and I can only offer you my honest and humble opinion.

[Bobby]

Thank you very much for your feed back, I look forward to reading more of your poetry Ill be posting up a few things as well " I'm not good " ahah I just like expressing my feelings and thoughts in any way possible

[V]

You're welcome. That's totally ok.

[Shae-Leigh Johns]

this has so much emotion behind, it's like looking into your mind and seeing how your feeling, I can relate to this more than you realize. if you ever need to talk I'm hear.