Demise of a Stranger

For someone I think of every day ~ and wish I could be there for his family.

Demise of a Stranger

 

He fell:

but not in graceful purpose of love-

but down,

like a frail old battle fort crumbling

in billowing clouds of hapless dust,

to rest at feet of frightened faces

shaking troubled heads

to others who muttered,

deeming his strange ways

were best left to fate, shuffling

through to get a good view,

before melting away pitilessly,

sliding into lost tomorrows,

oblivious to ruptured brain weeping

for all his earth days borrowed.  

    

Reviews

[Juliet]

I am without words...
This has left me both frightened and inspired. Frightened, because I don't like it when other's words hit that place of recognition inside me so deeply it makes me feel things I've forgotten. Inspired, because when reading this, I remember what good writing is, and that I can do that again too. Thank you so very much for that.

[David Lewis Paget]

The fate of us all, Bubo, when the number of our days exceeds our mortality. One would wish it to happen in a more secluded place, to maintain whatever dignity death has left for us. But you paint it well... Very evocative.
(PS - I'm a Scorpio too....)

[Ada Slowe]

Great poem. Your writing is so amazing.

[Bad Poetry]

Very descriptive. nice job

[Frieda P]

This is outstanding, emotional and touching piece or work, I really love it, it moved me tremendously.

[Sarah]

Short but powerful. Really good.

[Robin]

You always know the words ...

[Gandré]

what an exceptionally good poem, everything was right, not one word too much, a poem to read again.. is this your new style? I shall read more of your new poems, Dani.

[Quiet Child]

i thought this was beautifully written! it connects the character with the reader to some degree; which is what you want to do with your writing. i liked it very much, it had a certain mood and a feeling of sought emotion. keep it up!

[Kim]

I think this is a really interesting concept and a great start. However, I'd modify the middle a little so that it's more clear to the reader and has more impact as a piece in general. I understand what you're trying to say, but I'm not sure that it's coming across the way that you want. I'd start with the part "to rest at feet...who muttered" -- I think you need an article in front of "feet" and it's a bit awkward to deal with a connection between feet and faces. That might be okay on its own, but then it's complicated by the quick shift to "troubled heads" since heads and faces are basically the same thing and are still part of a whole that hasn't been addressed but only suggested. I think you should reword this section to make it more clear - you could condense it, use different body parts, or actually address the body itself instead of just suggesting its existence (by addressing the parts). All that said, I think you have a really great beginning and ending and you should keep most of it. It just needs some refining in the middle. Play around with it and see what you get. :) Good luck and keep writing!