That Permanent Ache

Feeling insecure when thinking of past memories.

 

 

She pushes, pushes, pushes
Hard against internal wishes
To see how far words will stretch
Across a room with intention of uncovering truth,
Or a sorry to soothe, where hands cannot heal
That permanent ache

     Sometimes
Love she decides
Is simply a trap, a vice
That can squeeze, bleed
The sane to become insane
          A game
She perceives, assumes
Not too self assured by others greed
Scorn, forlorn, gathering all the hurt
Until she feels she might explode
          Be lost

Circling footsteps around her own prison
Where someone took down the bright pictures
Replaced with black thoughts, swirling
Inside, splitting a life
          Dividing
While floodgates open yawning
All that dark turmoil spoiling
To ruin time
New beginnings.

     Sometimes
She pushes, pushes, pushes
Rather than have him leave her behind
She tries to keep quiet
Sidestep ghosts when they lie side by side
Tucked within his love
Warmth of his breath close by.

She believes in his love
Oh she does
As the ring shines in the dark,
But perhaps in the passing months
She stopped believing in herself
Just a touch.

Reviews

[Helen Woodward]

Brilliant!! The last line says it all really because once you stop believing in yourself you give in to anything and everything. It's a trap of the most vicious kind that leaves you feeling like a fool. You give your entire being to someone and they are like a cat playing with a mouse! You have summed up mistrust and deviation of truth along with lack of self-esteem perfectly Deni. There is no answer because you either love someone or not and unfortunately if that someone is a rogue toying with your emotions you become a slave, too filled with fear of loss to let go...
Great piece xxx

[Jon]

Phenomenal write.

Haven't been here for a while as I don't really get what they did with the site and I've had real writers block of late - but I'm SOOOOO glad I logged on today.

This is another favourite for the list - the way you deal so softly and gracefully with the subject matter of the really tough side of "love", or dead love - the feeling of being trapped, but not having the self belief to stand up and change things - walk away - get out on your own - trapped by fear of being alone. It is in these circumstances that people do begin to "push push push" and test limits and find other ways to be destructive - and I've not read anything that conveys this or deals with the subject matter as well as this.

Its quality - thanks for sharing!

[John Stussy]

Interesting perception, how the lack of trust in oneself can be just as harmful as the lack of trust in your companion. Seems like you can trap yourself in pain just as well as anyone else can, and it can have the same results.

[Lola Nation]

Until she feels she might explode
Be lost

Seems we are feeling similarly these days... the above line rings clarity.

But perhaps in the passing months
She stopped believing in herself
Just a touch.

just a touch I read in italics - with a soft voice of sarcasm while the above lines offer a glimmer of hope, in just a touch...

[Orlando Furioso]

A wonderfully reflective piece. Just right for a Sunday morning read! Once again you pin down doubts and hopes with great poetic insight teetering this way then that as the poem progressed from you in a room preumably with him, to wider thoughts on the nature of love, then into your own state of mind and the compromises you have to make and finally to a conclusion based on trust of his love but erosion of self-belief. So the poem lands with a reversal almost, but leaving a sense that there is hope. There seemed to be a pairing of 'hands' at the top and the final 'touch'. In terms of detail I really like 'words stretching across a room'...could actually visualise this happening...and 'took down bright pictures' followed closely by 'dark turmoil' which underscores the removal of the brightness...we all sort of start life with bright pictures don't we? and then come the disappintments. The best line for me though, which seems to be at the heart of the problem is the 'ghosts' ... 'tucked up within his love'...in other words you can't be free of the ghosts while you have the love. And the reall genius of the line is that you use the word 'within' rather than 'with'!

[Victoria Lee~]

This is really a steller piece. Self-doubt is a ghost in itself. It can ruin a relationship. If only it was easy to just shed the past and begin new again.

[Antony]

A little bit of soul searching, a self reflection, she just can't help it, but it's okay these things of great passon and love take time to change course, the winner is the one who can sustain all. Bubo you will be a winner.
tony

[Daniel A. Roxburgh]

Okay, obviously written in relation to a woman's experience (percieved or otherwise) but there are many things within this piece that I could connect with if not completely relate to. Thanks for sharing it...it's another masterpiece as I see it.

Daniel

[Raven Held]

It is the transcendent pain and unbridled longing (and that shadowy whisper of doubt) that struck me.

A very raw and emotional piece that involves - as far as I understand - the giving until one is dry, but still aching because of the overwhelming love one has for another. The tension seems to exist in the giving, innocuous as it may sound - the extreme kind of giving.

A powerful write. Keep it up!

Loves,
Raven

[Gandré]

Yes, Deni, brilliant. I adore this poem. my new favorite of yours! The first stanza right away, what a beginning. So eternal. I liked this "Love she decides / s simply a trap" ------it is soo very true, and I absolutely like this "Circling footsteps around her own prison / Where someone took down the bright pictures / Replaced with black thoughts, swirling ".. So she believes at him but she stopped to believe at herself. That is pretty dangerous. I often thought about this, what might happen, when I felt like this. Would he feel it, too? I so respect your art, dear Deni!

[Touché Armada]

Like a great manufactured conspiracy,
Love it Bubo, take in and spit it out deal, doubt the great silencer, sometimes perhaps its better that way and just move on, to some time and place that that breath is warm on ones cheek.