Reflections...

A topic close to my heart.

On the roadside a young girl sits.

Questions scrawled across her face.

Creases sit, like crumpled paper upon her youthful skin.

Remnants lay visible of life’s harsh grip.

 

Sheltered, only by the wind’s soft exhale,

Listlessly, combing through unwashed hair.

Protected, only by night’s dark shade,

Loneliness, hidden by its blackened veil.

Cared for, only by the moon’s guiding light.

Golden streams pierced the black empty night.

Warmed, only by the sunrise, its lava eased the dark.

The sky is bruised, blood-red and grey as sunrise colours fused.

 

Another day, roadside begins.

Her fragile face, cracked,

Like lines in the pavement on which she sat.

Searching for answers, blue eyes, bluer than the oceans tide,

Hopelessly wandering across the sea of faces,

In morning rush the face racing.

Looking for a glimmer of hope,

Someone… anyone… notice her?

I reach out my hand only to… bump…

Into a shops display window, then I see,

The broken reflection looking back was me.

Author's Note

Hi everyone. This is a personal topic, one close to my heart. I wanted to learn more and build on my skills so I got advice from another writer. Then I decided to do a writing exercise and this is the result. I hope you like it. Feedback is always welcome as it is a chance for me to learn and grow. Thanks for stopping by.

Reviews

[Wolfwind]

Wow! The piece was beautiful constructed. It's flow was spot on and smooth. The images that you wove within this ink, reached out and grabbed the reader, pulling them in to feel and see every little ounce of writen reality.
This is the type of poem that leaves a reader in their chair, contemplating in silent revery about the passage of time, the place we fill in life and the roads walked and the roads we never got to.

GREAT INK! Thank you for sharing this finely crafted piece!
Aaron - Wolfwind

[Broken Wings]

Thank you so much for your kind review Aaron. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. I am grateful for your words and I am glad that it made you contemplate and that it grabbed you in, that was what I was hoping for. Thanks again my friend.
Leah.

[Wolfwind]

You are very welcome! I truly enjoyed the feeling of being intoxicated by this peice of ink. =)

[J. Kell]

Cared for, only by the moon’s guiding light.
Golden streams pierced the black empty night. This line is beautiful, it conveys a sense of loneliness and living on "the kindness of strangers". I did not expect the ending, it builds up to it nicely. Fantastic job.

[Broken Wings]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate your comments and I'm glad you liked it.

[smilempsn]

..wOOw.. Brilliant piece..
I loved how feelings have been 'reflected' in this piece..
Some very detailed lines... Which can directly be imagined..

I loved how you ended this... :)

[Broken Wings]

Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it and that you could imagine :) That means it worked. Thanks for the kind review.

[smilempsn]

:) :)

[Frieda P]

Gorgeous metaphors, beautifully written, the ending is superb!

[Broken Wings]

Thank you so much Frieda, for taking the time to read and comment, it means a lot to me.

[Frieda P]

Was my pleasure, it's tucked away in my library.

[Broken Wings]

That is very humbling, thank you!

[Frieda P]

Well deserved....!

[Katho28]

This poem is AMAZING. Absolutely amazing... I read through it a number of times because it was so good! The words flow beautifully, the choice of words is brilliant, and you have perfected the imagery, especially in the 2nd stanza. The ending was unexpected as well... and completely blew my mind. "reach out my hand only to… bump…
Into a shops display window, then I see,
The broken reflection looking back was me."
These three lines were my favourite, and I was completely absorbed by the words.
Well done :) Really enjoyed reading...

[Broken Wings]

Thank you so much Kath! Your review is lovely! I'm glad you liked it. This one took some time to write. I'm also glad that you liked the surprise ending. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my writing I really appreciate it.

[Katho28]

No worries... thank you for writing such a lovely poem :)

[Tom]

There's so much emotional detail in this poem it nearly brings a tear to this grown man's eye !

And a very clever, jaw dropping last line to finish ! Brilliant write once more by you again !

[Broken Wings]

Thank you Tom! I'm glad you felt the emotion and quite sadistically I'm a (little bit) glad you almost had a tear, it's nice to know it made an impact. Thank you for reading :)

[London's Lily]

I think this is a very pretty poem, with lovely descriptions and clever wording. Lines depicting the sky being bruised, and questions being scrawled across her face, lend to the beautiful imagery. If I may, I just have one suggestion - to try a different phrase in the first stanza, 3rd line, so as not to use the word "sit" twice so closely together. Maybe something like,

On the roadside a young girl sits,
Questions scrawled across her face
Leaving creases, like crumpled paper upon her youthful skin,
Visible remnants of life's harsh grip.

Obviously there are many ways to play around with the wording, but that's just one little possible rephrasing as an example. Anyway, as I was saying, I think it's a beautiful poem which conveys a lonely story to which many of us can relate. Very well done. :)

[Broken Wings]

Thank you! Yes you are right about the word sit, it has been bugging me somewhat but then I forgot about it. haha! Thank you for your suggestion, I will get around to editing it hopefully sometime soon. I really appreciate the feedback :)

[Douglas White]

This is one of those poems that stands as is, nothing else needed. Beautiful visuals, and I love the end, "Into a shops display window, then I see, The broken reflection looking back was me." Very well done. If you ever doubt your ability to write, read this again.

[Broken Wings]

Aww, thank you so much! That is the nicest review I have ever received. Thank you so much for the encouragement, I do doubt myself a lot so this really does mean more than a thank you can give weight to.

[Douglas White]

We tend to be our own harshest critics. As I know far, far too well as not only a writer, but also a musician and tattoo artist. We just have to learn to set aside doubts, and let the creative instinct do its thing. Learn to trust yourself.

[Broken Wings]

Thank you so much, I will keep your kind words in my mind :)

[Vani Jalagar]

Yea...it is indeed a beautifully constructed piece ......:)

[Broken Wings]

thank you :)

[bobc]

I realize how everyone seems to like this piece but I had a different reaction. This is only my opinion but I think there's a kernel of a great poem in this. It just needs some changes to get there. Changes that will mean different sentence structures, fewer similes, more metaphors to get the ideas across to a reader.

For example, rather than 'On the roadside a young girl sits', how about just 'Roadside girl'. That conveys your idea without the extra words...we know where she is and we understand she's young by the 'girl' reference. Is 'sitting' by the roadside essential for some reason? It doesn't seem that way to me.

There are more examples I could offer but I think you get the idea. If you'd like, we could communicate about this via WC's email facility. The review forum doesn't feel like the right place for this kind of exercise. Hope this helps a little...bob

[Broken Wings]

Thank you for your honesty. I normally only write pieces when I am emotional, this piece is based on a personal experience but I was trying something different out of a writing exercise, I normal just write emotion, not story like poems. I appreciate your input, you can email me your suggestions if you'd like and I'll take them into consideration. I understand what you're trying to say and I think you're right in some ways but when you say roadside girl the image that came to my mind was a prostitute. I'd like to hear your suggestions though as I am always wanting to better myself and learn from others. So if you have time, feel free to email me and thanks for stopping by :)

[bobc]

Not a problem. I like writing exercises as well. I'll send more in an email...bob

[Reggie Sapphire]

wow, its like she's invisible though she is real, i just relate with this poem somehow, anyways, i think this is really great. its just perfect !
its just emosewA! i mean Awesome !!!
More power :)

[Broken Wings]

Thank you Reggie, I appreciate your review and for taking the time to read it. Yes she was very much invisible yet real, as most of the homeless are.