Prelude

“My name is Naiya. I am one out of one-hundred slaves abiding in this living hell that my fellow friends in captivity call ‘The Brig’.  What is the brig?  It is a large prison compound almost right next to one of the world’s largest undiscovered diamond mines.  There are enough diamonds here for one person to easily make a multi-billionaire look like nothing.  Why are we here? Simple; to relentlessly mine these valuable rocks for the rest of our petty lives without complaints.  To the whole world, we don’t exist.  Any remote sense of hope of ever escaping this hell is long gone.  More than likely, I will live and die here.  I long for the day that I am greeted by death to take me away forever.  However, while I am here I must remain strong for my two sisters, 10 year-old Mara and 8-year old Addilyn-- or Lyn as I like to call her-- for I am the only semblance of family they have left. My parents were brutally ripped away from me by the murderers who are now my captors, leaving me helpless and abandoned. Scared out of my mind with no one to lean on;  no one to protect me; no one to comfort me and tell me that it was gonna be alright. My name is Naiya and I am one out of one-hundred trapped in an eternal hell.”  

Reviews

[Christopher Miller]

Some of the wording could be improved. "Fellow friends" struck me as a bit redundant, the usual phrase would just be 'fellows in captivity'. "Almost right next to" - what makes it not 'right next to'?
Describing the mine as undiscovered really threw me. If it's being mined, it's been discovered. Did you mean secret/private? Similarly, it seems like it ought to be 'to the rest of the world, we don't exist.'
I get the repeat of her name and situation for emphasis, but as this is only one paragraph it seemed unneccesary to me.
I am left wondering about the setting. Is this meant to be modern times? Is it contemporary, alternate past, alternate present? That's not a bad thing, if she were born in that mine it would make sense that she would know nothing of the outside world (though she appears aware of its existence). I don't know if she was born there, what she remembers of her parents, if her parents were born there... I'd say expanding on what she does know would be a service to the reader.
All that said, there is potential here. I am left wanting to know more.

[Sira YR]

Thanks for the review and I will definitely go back and edit those mistakes :)

[Sira YR]

Also, when i said that it was undiscovered, I meant that the government was unaware of it's existence :)

[Dark Rider]

Prologues/Preludes are always complicated to write. It's hard to figure out what needs to be said in order to intrigue the reader while not giving away any major plot lines. You did you fairly good job with this. You did a nice job in summarizing the situation at hand and leaving me curious as to how things got this way. It was short, but had you wrote any more, it would have been too much. I can't wait to read the next chapter. :)

[Sira YR]

Thank you so much for your review. I greatly appreciate it :)

[Catherine]

I really enjoyed your prologue. I definitely want to read more so it's doing its job. As for constructive criticism, I would just say 'What is the Brig?' and leave out the 'you may ask?' Other than that, you can fix this one: 'There is (are) enough diamonds' but honestly everything else flowed great : )

[Sira YR]

Thank you for that. I will be definitely fixing those errors :)

[matrixmark]

Now this, looks very interesting. something which I could get my teeth into.
This prologue was very, very sadening BUT at the same time had me racing through the writing simply beacuse it was that good. I like the idea of the prison camp next to the diamond mines - all sorts of conflictions can happen with this and I have to say I will so very much with pleasure read more of what is yet to come with this great opener of an introduction.

Loved it.

Mark.

[Sira YR]

Thank you. I'm glad u liked it. I will be posting some more sometime today.

[Sapientiam]

This a very luring prelude! I'm not the best with constructive criticism, since I usually find things that are well written rather than things that need work. It's very short, which I would usually go against, but you've explained the background of the story and the main character in such a concise way. So, it's pretty effective. This leaves me with many questions, which is not a bad thing because now I want to keep reading. Wonderful job on this! Keep up the great work!

[Sira YR]

Thank you so much! I will be posting the first chapter sometime tomorrow.

[Sira YR]

Please let me know what you think! constructive criticism is encouraged!