This thing is so bad it doesn't deserve a titleA Story by CaptainWak
I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I wrote it. The worst part is that it's not done and there will quite possibly be more. The genre is a complete lie. This isn't funny. 0/100.
You could see the determination in his eyes; the sheer fiery will. It was as plain as the toilet paper that had affixed itself to his dusty and worn shoe. He took a deep breath and clenched. His face turned red with concentration and with a loud “HRRNNNNNNG!” he filled up the porcelain throne upon which he sat. He turned to let loose the floodgates that would feebly attempt to wipe clean his emissions that put BP to shame, but was interrupted and with another loud “HRRNNNNNG!” he gave birth to a brown baby. Again he stood, this time uninterrupted and he gave his offering to the great porcelain god; which was rejected as water and s**t spewed everywhere. He stared with horror and dropped to his knees and with a piercing yell he cried out, “Why? Why must this happen?” He sobbed as s**t and piss covered his knees. He stopped when he heard a creak and a groan. He slowly looked up and saw an enormous crack run down the toilet’s ceramic body. It spread and forked, and then the whole toilet shattered under the sheer volume of human waste and excrement.
Somewhere else, somewhere far away, a shrill laugh rent the air. “Ha! Foolish human! You do not see? When you have much of a resource, you must use it!”
Another voice spoke, in a darker and more ominous tone, “Do you think he is ready?”
“I was hoping he’d throw the poo…”
“He just did.”
Two shadowy figures hunched over a pale screen in a pitch black room. One pointed at a screen, which showed a rather porky man sitting in a stall with waste and excrement strewn about. He seemed frustrated with an enormous mound that stood before him and was flinging poo at it. Poo from another enormous mound where a toilet used to sit. That enormous mound’s tightly fitting size XXL jeans suddenly dropped, and to the surprise and pleasure of the two anonymous observers, a torrent of brown spewed forth. The anonymous observers cackled with delight. “You were right! He is the chosen one! And holy s**t, did that guy just crap out a kidney?”
The other observer took up a fierce scowl. “Don’t use the lord’s name in vain! And that was the liver.”
“Wait isn’t THAT the liver?”
“No, that’s a lung.”
“I can assure you that what I pointed at was the liver.”
The poor soul being observed and stricken by something he didn’t understand, suddenly collapsed when everything in his body shot out his a*s like a fireman’s hose. The man on the ground (let’s call him Eddie) stared with amazement and horror that the man he had flung poo at was now deflating like a balloon that was full of s**t and things that weren’t s**t, like lungs and bones and flesh. A completely empty bag of skin was now flat on the ground with a giant heap of god knows what behind it. Eddie collapsed onto the shitstrewn floor and went completely comatose. Some nearby cockroaches thought it would be a good idea to visit the place but they caught the scent and died in the same horrific way as that fat stranger who just wanted to use the toilet after Eddie was done.
“Yes… he is the one…”
“And what am I, chopped liver?”
“You’re ground liver.”
One of the shadowy observers looked around at the room he was in. “And who turned off the lights? Are we cavemen or something?”
“You don’t want them on…”
“Yes I do!” The figure abruptly stood up and flipped the lightswitch that was conveniently placed next to the monitor that they were staring at. Both figures were suddenly surrounded by images of… well… yeah… and then they proceeded to grope for eachother and then they kissed passionately and kissed again. They grabbed each other around the waist and started making out until they could no longer contain what was painted on the walls. Their heads exploded in giant clouds of confetti and they both collapsed onto the ground dead. The janitor then walked in and saw that they were on the ground, wrapped around each other with their heads exploding. He then looked up at the walls. He then looked back down. He then looked back up at the walls and before he could rip off of an Old Spice commercial, he turned into a velociraptor with action music playing and started gnawing on their toes. And that velociraptor, it had a cape. And it was blue.
Eddie woke up in a bed with seven men and a horse. Just kidding. He actually woke up in the middle of the night. Like literally, in the middle of the night. Gravity soon brought him down into the bottom of the night with the rest of us. He found himself on the roof of a nearby burrito stand, with nothing but his wits and his clothes. A voice behind him spoke softly but suddenly, “DONTFALL!”
Eddie fell off the roof and hit the ground. He also exploded on impact. The mysterious figure above shook its head. “They never listen…”
© 2010 CaptainWak
Added on November 16, 2010
Last Updated on November 16, 2010
AboutI mainly write silly things, RP scripts, and that sort of thing. Don't expect much. more..