My Love is My Curse

I've lately been confronting some emotional issues. I had to force myself to come to terms with a lot of things and this became the result. However, I suppose it's just another lesson in love.

When I was a young teenager, I often wondered what ‘love’ meant. Was it just a word used to establish a bond between two intimate people or was it a truly euphoric experience which should be cherished? These thoughts seemed to plague me when I was a freshman in High School. I used the word carelessly, as if I had hoped it were a key that would grant me entrance to some sort of understanding that I desperately searched for. For some time, I was told that I was loved by a number of young women. Some likely thought that our experience of love was the definition of the word. Others may have simply just saw me as a resource or a way to pass the time. Perhaps it isn’t for me to say.

When I was sixteen years old, I met a girl of the same age. She was much more reserved than I at the time. Fortunately, I had never particularly cared for the noisy, extroverted alternative. For months, I observed her from afar. I had often glanced at her when passing by between classes and sometimes hoping that she would drop something so that I might pick it up for her. I did eventually realize that this beautiful woman would not be handed to me as a gift. Of course, I was young. I had no idea how to strike up a conversation with a total stranger. However, I did.

Getting her number was nothing short of my greatest accomplishment at the time. After the school day ended, I found myself laying in my bed. It had only been half an hour since she had handed me the paper with her information in it. I eagerly sent her a message. ‘Hi :)’ it read. That first message was the start of at least tens of thousands of messages. She had quickly become the best friend I ever had. There was not a single day that I wished to be without her. We also never found it difficult to have a conversation. There seemed to be an energy between us which never ceased to exist as we always found an excuse to keep talking.

As any teenager would, I quickly found myself falling for her. She had become the first and last thought of my everyday. Little did I know, I had only begun to scratch the surface of what feelings lie below. Unfortunately for me, a devastating event would occur. She had began dating a friend of mine. At the time, I held no resentments against him. After all, he had no idea of knowing my endearment to her. However in the months that followed, she and I would no longer remain friends due to their relationship. This was mostly due to my idiotic actions. Not only had I lost a friend, I lost the girl I loved.

I went four months without speaking to her. However, when the new year of school had started and she and I had several classes together. We often exchanged looks when passing by each other but I could never work up the courage to speak to her. However, it seemed as if other forces pushed us together. A few weeks before my birthday, I found myself once again in deep conversation with her. We had both changed significantly, as did our relationship. It was the greatest gift I had ever received.

We often found ourselves together alone, whether it was at a movie or maybe a park. Her boyfriend wasn’t particularly thrilled but she had grown out of her shell and refused to be controlled. Speaking was a great challenge when I was with her. My stomach constantly felt like a beehive. Our time together was generally short. Perhaps I would have called them dates if we had been dating. She always hugged me whenever I walked her home. I recall how warm she made me feel. She reminded me of a home that I never had. Letting go of the embrace was the most difficult event of each evening. However, I had always wondered what it might be like to kiss her. Regardless, I’m glad that she never did kiss me. Her loyalty was always something I admired.

Everyday brought as much pain as it did joy when I spoke to her. It was a vicious routine of love and reminder that she cared for another. It was no secret to either of us that she was unhappy in her relationship, yet she stayed. Furthermore, she cared a great deal for me. While she never once told me that she ‘loved’ me, I knew that she felt something significant. That thought alone was enough to keep me coming back to her for what seemed like an eternity.

I found myself questioning myself when I was tempted to drive a wedge between her and her boyfriend. This was ironic because everyone had always told me I was a malevolent person. Yet, she always somehow managed to convince me that there was a shred of kindness in me. I never did make any attempts to split the two of them up. I suppose that’s when I decided that I truly loved her. Whatever misery I felt was not something I would have wished on her. Perhaps she would have been much happier with me. Perhaps not. Nonetheless, I remained watching from afar as I had in the beginning, simply biding my time.

Life changed, as it always does. I had moved fairly far away and we would no longer see each other. Of course, there was always texting. Just as I always had, I continued to text her at every chance I could and she would in return. Our relationship remained the same for quite some time. For nearly six months after I left, I continued to wait for her. I prayed to a deity that I knew didn’t exist for nothing more than an opportunity to be something to her.

It was the middle of January and I was speaking to her during the late evening. I walked through the cold night as mist lightly fell from the obsidian sky. She and I had spoken far less frequently lately. Perhaps it was because I grew impatient or the distance was too much for us to keep the bond. I didn’t think much of it but I soon realized why. She sent a single message which consisted of a paragraph. It was crippling. To summarize, she stated that she no longer harbored the same feelings for me that she had before.

I couldn’t find the words. She had sent sent the most powerful blow against me that anyone ever had. I recall sitting on a public bench until nearly one in the morning. I cried for some time. I had chosen to do all of my grieving right there on that bench, my poor emotional state illuminated by a powerful light. I hated her and eventually myself. I regretted not establishing a relationship with her when I had the chance. I was a mess. But when a police officer pulled over in the early morning, he could clearly see that I was not in my best state. He simply asked me if I was okay. I silently nodded and began to make my way home so that he was spared the task of asking me to.

It has been more than three years since she and I had began our erratic relationship. I think about her far more often than I should. She and I sometimes say ‘hello’ to each other on social media, however there is typically something that brings us apart once more. She remains with her boyfriend and while I do not know the details of their relationship, I can’t imagine why they aren’t happy.

Sometimes I enjoy looking at our old messages. It reminds me of how passionate I used to be. To call it nostalgia doesn’t feel appropriate. Perhaps I still have hope that she will one day need to be saved so that I have the opportunity to be the hero I’ve always wanted to be. I look forward to the next time I hear from her. But as much as I wish for her to come to me in distress, I wish for her to be happy with the man she’s been with for so long. But, should she ever decide that she feels for me, I will remain right where I am because in truth, I still love her as much as the day I first told her. Perhaps that is my curse.

Author's Note

I was not physically capable of going to sleep until I wrote this. If there are any grammar or language issues, I apologize. Insomnia restricts my ability to catch mistakes.

Reviews

[Riding the Rainbow]

This is full of everything you felt in the past and what you've been feeling now after that. The thought of what could have been if she had decided to give you a chance still lingers there, isn't it?
Really powerful chapter. Well done.