The Human Blueberry (Based on BadGirls --- FEAT. Harry Enfield)

Because I love BadGirls and I'm a sucker for fan fiction. It's a piece based from an old, short BadGirls script I found on a website and I just fell in love with the idea.

Harry Enfield as his famous Character 'Kevin' from his TV show 'Harry Enfield & Chums'.


And for those who never saw BadGirls, therefore need an idea of the dialogue of this story: Click!

                     Jim and Di>>>>>>
         Their relationship in series 6.



*** Rob Zombie - Halloween Hootenanny ***

London: Spring 2005

Jim and Di had been married for a month and were happily living together in Jim's house. Di was desperate to adopt, as Jim was infertile, so they (she) desperately tried to get hold of a baby, but, unfortunately neither of them met the standards of the adoption agencies, so she compromised all the way to agreeing to foster an older child, much to Jim's annoyance, though he went along with it to keep his wife sweet.
They were both sitting in the office of a fostering agency waiting to be introduced to their only offer - a difficult fifteen year old.
Just then, the friendly female employee noticed the boy coming into the room. "Hello, Kevin! Say hello to Mr and Mrs Fenner," she smiled.
"Hiya!" Di said very friendly with a big smile.
Kevin stood with his head hanging and only grunted at them.
Di nudged her husband and prompted, "Jim, say hello to Kevin."
Jim continued to sulk for a moment, before replying, "Yeah, sorry. Hi Kev." He tried his best to hide his anger at the situation, and the fact that his dopey wife had probably jeopardised everything they had over her desperation for a child - so desperate that she'd stoop to fostering a fifteen year old with an attitude problem and the social graces of an orang-utan, who would probably eat his own body weight on a daily basis, turn their home into a pig sty, possibly bankrupt them, vandalise the home and not to mention the neighbourhood. Despite this list in Jim's mind, Di appeared to have absolutely no worries of her own. She was as cheerful and optimistic as ever.

A week later
Di was standing in the kitchen cleaning the microwave, when she heard shouting coming from the living room. "What now?" she moaned to herself, before abandoning her task, only to get there and see Jim sitting on the sofa with his legs over Kevin, trapping him after wrestling the remote control from his hands.
"Oh for pity sake, Jim! What the flamin' hell is going on? I don't know who's the bloody adult here, I really don't!" Di complained, appalled at her husband's behaviour. She then looked at her watch. "Anyway, I'm off to work." She then walked upstairs to the bedroom to get herself ready for another day in Larkhall. Jim was still on leave due to stress.

Once Di had left the apartment and was driving off to work, Jim put his head in his hands, frustrated and took deep breaths. "Kev, please..."
"Uh! I hate you!" Kevin grunted and scoffed.
Jim nearly burst into tears at the prospect that not only did he have to cope with night terrors about the woman he'd tortured and killed, but his waking hours were subjected to a nightmare in it's self with this little beast on his case 24/7. "Sod you. I'm off to the pub to get smashed," he whimpered.
"God! Ugh! I didn't even say anyfink!"

Rob Zombie - Superbeast
That afternoon, Jim sat alone at the bar, drowning his sorrows in a bottle of brandy and absorbing the fast paced music. The ragged they come, the ragged they kill! You pray so hard on bloody knees. He felt like he belonged, as he savoured those lyrics. The screaming in the song's background penetrated his mind, but he was too drunk to start freaking out, or even care.
"Hey, mate, it ain't water! Stop drinking so fast," the Gothic looking barman ordered. "I'm not scraping you off the frigging floor."
Jim - or Fenner, as he was known at work - stared at the barman dangerously and hissed, "Don't you know who I am? What I can do?" He was smashed out of his mind completely, so he wasn't thinking and had no idea that he'd began digging himself into a hole. Don't say another word, you stupid drunken, mindless prick! his common sense screamed to him. "Sorry mate. I promise I can handle my booze. I can, really," he persuaded.
The barman played a short poem just to fill a small moment when the song finished, whilst he flicked through the CD collection.
 *************
The idea is sufficiently plausible, in an attempt to account for the phenomenon, the sickness and the sentence of blood. I could no longer struggle, every moment threatened to be the last - there was pain, dizziness, and profuse bleeding at the pores, how is this possible, the transmission was transfusing in a moment the sobering eye of reasoning would detect a vibration in the flesh. Creeping incoherent, bearing no mark of a human hand.
 **************
Jim was dozing off with his head on the bar, as those words shook his inner core. Yvonne! His own fears and insanity. It all flashed in his mind, but he was in a helpless, drunken state, so all he could do was cry out. He was semi - oblivious to his surroundings, so losing control in a pit of despair, he cried aloud. "Atkins! Please, no!" He sobbed.
Everyone sat gawking from their seats, mouths wide open, as though they were watching a climax scene of Eastenders.
"Right, that's it!" The barman said firmly, as he came from behind the bar. "You've had enough." He grabbed him by the shirt and began dragging him towards the exit.
"No!" Jim ordered, as he struggled. "I'm not going back to my simpleton wife and that greasy, demonic brat!"
Everyone sniggered, as they looked on.
"Aww! Leave him. This party's just getting started," a young female voice called. Everyone in the pub was like a Goth/Rock type. That particular pub had a macabre theme, dark music, hardly any lighting, scruffy etc... Rather on the dark side all around.
The barman eyed Jim and smirked. "OK mate, you can stay."

Kevin had been home alone for a few hours now, and he was loving it. He got to listen to music without Jim or Di telling him to turn it down and he had full run of the home. There was a loud knock at the door, but he ignored it thinking it was probably Jehovah's witnesses, but it only got louder, so he jumped up off of the sofa. "UGH! For f**k sake! ALRIGHT!"
When he opened the door, he saw a tall, mysterious woman with shoulder length peroxide blonde hair and the most piercing blue eyes standing there. She looked to be in her late thirties and was dressed like a fortune teller would: long ethnic like skirt, silk, many patterns, frills, pagan jewellery.
Kevin eyed her up and down, saying nothing.
The stranger made the first move. "Hello, my name is Sacha Bartez." She had a strong, typical Transylvania accent.
"I'm Kevin." He just stood with his head down and the tuft of hair hanging from his baseball cap in his face.
"Is Diane Fenner home?" Sacha asked, ignoring the massive boner on Kevin.
"Why?"
"...I'm a friend. So to speak."
"OK, come on then," Kevin grunted.
As she made her way in, she said, "There is a lot that needs to be said."

Disturbed - Down With The Sickness
Jim was dancing in a crowd of very drunk - and some drugged - teens. He couldn't have felt in a better state of mind, with his arms around the young blonde he was dancing behind. He kept groping her large tits eagerly, a bit like he used to do with Shell (before she stabbed him). His hands were all over her body like the creepy old pervert he was infamous on G-wing for being, apart from his alleged murder of Yvonne, which no b*****d could ever prove. F**k me, I'm home free, so why am I having nightmares and panicking a toss? Those dumb old bints, the Julies won't do anything, his mind laughed triumphantly.

Sacha had sat and given Kevin a massive lecture for the last hour about the true identity of his foster father, yet it didn't look to have sunk in. "Well?..."
"Uh? So?" It had gone over his head, but he tried to act like he understood.
"What do you mean uhso?"
"You'll have to tell Di yourself. Fancy a shag?"
Sacha scoffed, before getting up and heading for the door, pausing on her way out. "I'll be back tomorrow. And another thing..." She got Kevin's attention and added, "In my country, you would have got a good strapping a long time ago."

8:30pm
Hours passed by and before Kevin knew it, he could hear Di coming through the door. "Jim!" she called.
Kevin came out of the living room to greet her, and he immediately thought to vouch for Jim with, "He's still in the pub."
"What? Well, when did he set off?" Di asked, concerned.
"Straight after you left for work."
"But that was like, lunch time. Oh God." Before Di could even begin pacing the room, the phone rang, so she rushed to answer it. "Hello ... Oh thank God ... Yes ... Bloody hell ... Right. I'll come and pick him up right away ... No, that's OK thanks ... Bye!"
Kevin grimaced to Di.
"I've gotta go and pick up Jim. He's in the cells."
Kevin just smirked, knowing what must have happened.
"He's not well," Di defended. "I'll be back soon!"

When Di walked through the doors of the police station, she yelled, "I'm looking for Jim Fenner!" A policewoman automatically knew who she was and escorted her to one of the cells, where Jim came out looking as white as a ghost.
"Oh, Di. I'm so glad you're here," he whimpered, thinking he would score sympathy from his wife, but to his shock, she slapped his arm and started hissing, "You're coming home right this instance, you b*****d! Kevin told me how long you've been out. What the bloody hell are you playing at? You know you're not well."
The policewoman informed, "Mrs Fenner, we found him standing in the road screaming."
"You're joking," Di grumbled, embarrassed.
"Is there something we should know?"
"He's on psychiatric medicine for stress, insomnia and night terrors ... oh and anxiety," Di answered.
"Oh good. That's a relief because that pub's known for it's dealers, and users," the young policewoman replied.
Di turned to Jim and said, "You can make your own bloody fry up. If you think I'm gonna nurse you tomorrow morning, back and forth with Seltzers, you've got another bloody thing coming."

At ten O'clock the next morning, Di was cooking breakfast for herself and Kevin, and had also decided to do some for Jim, who was perched on the sofa wrapped in a blanket, shivering. Kevin was sitting next to him. "UGH! You complete wimp!"
"Shut up," Jim whined.
There was a loud knock at the door. Di was stuck in an awkward position in the kitchen between the egg and the toast. "Get that, will you Kevin!" she called.
"I am not your slave! It'll be your mate, Sacha."
Di had no time to start to ponder what he meant, so she just yelled firmly, "Kevin! Get it, Please!"
"Jim!" Kevin nagged.
"She told you to get it. I'm ill."
Kevin snorted. "That is so unfair!"
Jim shouted, "Di, get that!"
Di was too busy to even respond though.
"Kev," Jim prompted in another attempt to get him off of his backside.
"UGH ... Oh my god! I Hate you, and this house! This is so unfair!"
"For the love of Christ, I'll get it," Jim surrendered, whilst forcing himself from the sofa, wrapping the blanket tightly around himself.
When he opened the door, he saw a tall blonde standing there. He registered her for a moment and said, "Sorry, we don't do horoscopes and we don't want to buy any pegs."
"No, wait. I need to speak with your wife."
"She never said nothing."
"I'm a friend. Well, sort of..."
"Hang on a minute. Di! There's a woman here for you!"
Di came to the door and took over, letting Jim get back to Kevin's company.
"You may not know me. I am Sacha Bartez. A friend... sort of."
"Yeah?" Di asked curiously.
"I need to have serious talk, with you. But just you on your own. Now."
"But I'm cooking breakfast! And I'm not even ready. I'm sorry, it'll have to wait."
Sacha took a deep breath, impatiently. "Please! ... You don't understand. It's urgent!"
Di pondered for a moment, then gave in. "OK. I'll go and give my hair a quick brush, then we'll go." She then rushed upstairs, put some shoes on and brushed her hair quickly and rushed straight back to Sacha, shouting, "Bye! Be good boys!"

Sacha had taken Di in her car to a nearby MacDonald's for a quick coffee while they had their talk. They were both sitting at a window table, facing one another. The place was dead, apart from a couple of people, therefore Sacha had chosen to sit as far away from ears as possible.
"Sacha, what is it you wanna tell me?"
"I cannot find the words..."
"It's OK. Just come out with it," Di pushed. She was eager to find out what was so urgent. "But you said it was urgent."
"Yes, but it is hostile. It is about your husband..." Sacha replied, uneasy.
Di was shot back slightly, but she just cringed, then forced, "Spit it out."
Sacha forced herself. "He murdered Yvonne." She had made sure that no one heard, as it was a strange thing to say in a public restaurant to somebody about their husband.
"What?" Di said furiously. "That's the urgency? I hear enough of this at work from the cons, but you rush me out of my home just to tell me something I get told a thousand bloody times a day at work."
"This is different. I am a medium. I also have qualifications with spiritual arts ... I'll prove it, but please believe me."
Di sat up and folded her arms cleverly and smartly said, "OK then, if you're so psychic, what did Yvonne say to Sylv whenever she said "Do I look like I was born yesterday" hmm..."
"Not unless you aged at the speed of light." Sacha then enjoyed the sight of Di deflating, losing the attitude and becoming almost at her feet in that split moment.
"You can't know that," Di choked.
"And I can prove that I was still living in Transylvania at that time, so I wasn't there, before you try and say I was."
"Not good enough. This just proves that you're clued up, not that you're psychic."
"Ask away," Sacha smirked.
"What was her prisoner code?" Di asked.
"AC0047. She tells me how worried she is for Denny, that she's in a terrible way now. First her mother, then Shaz, then Yvonne. It's got too much for her. The spirits have cursed her. A young girl called Rachel..."
"Rachel Hicks," Di provided. "I once heard from Crystal that she terrorized a young girl called Rachel to point of suicide. I thought she was just being her usual, venomous self though."
"Yvonne said to never blame Denny about it. It was the evil one, Dockley controlling and manipulating her into doing such things."
"Yeah, Denny turned into a really nice kid once she met Shaz, and Yvonne started looking out for her," Di said. "Anyway, you should be telling me, not the other way around."
"She is here now. I can see her," Sacha said, staring vacantly.
Di shot her eyes all over the restaurant. "Where?"
"Standing right behind you."
Di looked, but saw nothing, quite obviously.
"No, you cannot see her. I can only see her because of my gift. She has black leather outfit with a pink top, blooded hands and gouged, ripped finger nails quite bloody. She is the reason for Jim's night terrors. She haunts his nightmares. He wakes up sweating and terrified a lot, doesn't he?"
The colour in Di's face totally drained and she looked almost tearful, as a chill went up her spine.
"I see short blonde hair," Sacha continued, slyly attempting to push Di as far as she could. "Your husband is hiding a hell of a lot from you."
"OK, I believe in your gift, but Jim didn't kill Atkins." Di then began to crack. "You're kidding me, right? No, no, no. Sacha, I am not hearing this. It was an accident. She locked herself in that tunnel. My Jim isn't capable of such a thing! No way. Not in a million years."
"So you gonna go back home, fooling yourself, fooling your foster son and even fooling your husband that you actually believe he's innocent?"
Di became defensive. "Jim's not innocent." She then put her hand on her chest, gripping at it tightly, before adding, "But I know in my heart that he would never have done that."
Sacha sat back with attitude and cleverly responded with, "You do know that he's not actually infertile...?" She sneered in amusement, before taking the pleasure in saying, "He had a vasectomy." All the while, she kept a s**t eating grin.
Di began to crumple and quietly sobbed.
"Now do you believe me?" Sacha asked, knowingly.
"Yes," Di whispered in a sob.
In that second, the moment was broken by a young mother walking through the doors with a screaming toddler. Sacha needed quiet, and so did Di, plus they were in depth of serious conversation. "Excuse me!"
The mother looked over.
"Silence your child, please," Sacha said, front-fully.
"I can't!" the mother hissed back.
After a moment of trying to resume in the presence of the noisy offspring, Sacha lost patience and yelled, "Hey! Shut that brat up now!"
"Who the hell are you talking to?" the mother bit back, heading towards her ready for a fight. "You looking for a smack, Gypo?"
Sacha rose from her seat and got close to the mother. "Yes. Know anyone who can do it?"
The toddler began having some sort of tantrum.
"I suggest you shut your creature up!" She then gave the mother a demonic look, like something from the depths of hell that mustn't be reckoned with.
The mother grabbed her son and left, deciding to go somewhere less hostile.
Di looked up astounded. "How did you do that?"
"I have eerie powers of the eye. It's a secret," Sacha casually replied, as she sat back down.
"Thank you, though. I don't think we could have talked if that kid had have been in the background."
"Yes. It was very irritating, plus the noise can block the channel."
Di looked at her mobile phone. She had set it to vibrate, so that Jim couldn't bug her about being left with Kevin, but to her shock, she had ten text messages. "S**t," she muttered.
All from Jim: KEV HAD ACCIDENT WIV BRKFAST! PLZ CUM QUIK! x, PLZ GET HOME B4 I STRANGLE KEV!, PLZ CUM HOME DI x, I'M GONNA KILL SUM1!
"Oh god, Sacha, I've gotta get home right away. I'm not reading all ten. Can you give me a lift?" She then set off, but Sacha stopped her and put her hand on her shoulder before she was out of the door. "Di, you are shaking. Are you really going home to that b*****d?"
Di wondered for a second, then said, "I'm not making myself homeless, but I want some more proof from you. Just to be sure."
Sacha took a notepad from her bag and quickly wrote something, then tore the page out and screwed it up into Di's hand. "My house. Visit me whenever you wish."
They both then made their way to the car park and got into the car and Sacha began driving Di home.

On the way, Di said nothing. She just sat in the passenger seat, silent, subdue, zombie-like, as though she was dead inside. She had known that her beloved Jim was a murderer, since the hit and run, but to have carried out such a sadistic, even satanic killing on one of the women where she worked was more than Di could absorb.

When Di got home and Sacha had driven away, she saw a note on the coffee table.

Gone drinking.
Gave Kevin £50 to go see
Perry and sent him with
a bottle of my stash. Sorry Di,
but I can't take any more.
  JIM xxxx

Di burst into tears, yet she was so glad to be alone. She was now frightened for Kevin. Would that murdering b*****d be a danger to their foster son? She just didn't know what to do. "MURDERING B*****D!" she screamed hysterically, then sobbing uncontrollably.

In a state of despair and madness, Di broke down, completely in hysterics - and, without thinking - she ran upstairs to her and Jim's bedroom and ripped through the cupboard, then pulled out a photo album filled with pictures of herself and Jim. Taking a moment to look through it, at the wedding pictures where they looked so happy together, it made her sob even more. It was only that morning that she was as happy as can be, happily married, yet in the blink of an eye, it looked like she was going to have to leave him and send Kevin back to the fostering agency.
Being told what he did to Yvonne brought a tear to her eye, but knowing that he wasn't infertile - that he had, in fact had a vasectomy, crushing Di's hopes of ever having a proper family and then lying to her that he was infertile was something else.
Di reached into the bedside cabinet and took out a sharp, metal nail file from the top draw and began carving the eyes from all of her husband's photographs, starting with the wedding snaps. Giving up half way through as she broke down in tears, she began stabbing at them randomly, ripping through the pages frantically. "DIE B*****D!" She then stopped and then threw the album across the room and laid down on the bed, face in the pillow and crying loudly.

Di woke up and looked at the bed-side clock and realized that she had been asleep for over an hour. She must have cried herself into a sleep. "S**t," she whispered, when she saw her handy work lying on the floor at the other side of the bedroom, so she got up and picked it up and put it back in the cupboard neatly.
Her mobile phone was ringing, rested on top of the bed-side cabinet. It was Jim. She pondered for a moment on whether to answer it, before taking a deep breathe and sitting down on the bed, gathering the strength to talk to her husband. "Hello."
"Hello, Di," Jim replied, sitting in some old boozer.
"Jim, where are you?"
"Are you alright, love?" he asked, seeming concerned. "You sound odd."
"Yeah?" Di said, trying to sound smooth. "I'm fine. Everything's fine. It must be the phone signals."
"I'm sorry, Di. I can't take any-more. I'm sorry about earlier as well."
"Oh... that's why I sounded a bit off. I was just shocked about you sending Kevin off and giving him your top shelf booze. He's fifteen, Jim. He shouldn't be drinking full stop." Di couldn't have cared less, but she mentioned it just to avoid the subject of his vasectomy and him actually being the one who locked Yvonne in the hanging cell.
Jim quickly supplied himself with an excuse. "I acted on impulse. I'm sorry, Di, really ... but he's really hard work. I just wish I wasn't infertile, then we wouldn't be going through all this."
Di felt physically sick as soon as he said those words and a lump hit her throat. After a long pause, she finally asked, "You know Atkins?..."
"Yeah, what about her?" Jim asked, sounding surprised. Why would Di bring her name up like this?
"If you'd have really played a part in what happened to her, you'd tell me right? I mean, you'd sit down with me and open up, like with the hit and run?" She nervously twirled her finger on the dark coloured duvet, as she dug the subject.
"Di, what's brought this on? Of course I'd tell you, but the fact is, I didn't do anything to her."
"...no, I know, it's just that..." Di hesitated. "Everyone seems so sure, and you didn't get on."
"Love, how could you doubt me over something like that? I know we were never best mates, but I'd have never locked her in that hole. I'm not that screwed up."
OK, I believe you," Di replied convincingly. "Sorry to ask. I'll see you when you get home, which I hope is soon," she told him, as an order.
"I love you. And our son," Jim said, sounding very genuine. "I don't know what I'd do without you. See you in a couple of hours. Love you, bye." He then hung up after Di said a quick "Bye."
Di put the phone back on the cabinet and got under the covers and turned over onto her side, thinking about how wooed by how loving her husband was to her just then. Despite everything that Sacha had told her, Di was starting to have doubts. She knew that she would never be entirely sure, but she decided to give her husband the benefit of the doubt. For now. Sacha could have only known so much because somebody close to Yvonne had set it up from the start.

Midnight
Kevin came stumbling through the door and threw up all over the hallway carpet, waking Jim and Di.
"Di?" Jim whispered.
"It's your doing," Di replied.
Jim got up and made his way down the steps. "Jesus," he shrieked when he saw the mess, and Kevin standing there, absolutely wasted.
"Kev... I told you to drink it sensibly."
"ALRIGHT! ... God!" Kevin bellowed.
Di came rushing down the steps and looked horrified. "Oh my God."
"Get to your room, you little runt!" Jim snapped at Kevin.
Kevin screwed his face up, mouth open, disgusted.
"GO!" Jim yelled.
"Oi! Don't you yell at him," Di argued. "This is your doing. You were the one who gave him your bloody whisky and fifty quid to go out with his mates!"
"Yeah!" Kevin shouted to Jim, defending Di. "You irresponsible b*****d!"
"Kevin, upstairs!" Di ordered, pointing up the steps.
"So unfair," He huffed, as he made his way to his room.
Once Kevin had gone, Jim looked his wife in the eye and asked, "What were you mentioning Atkins for out of blue like that? This hasn't got anything to do with that gypsy that you rushed out for?"
"I've done so much for you, so I deserve answers," Di growled.
"She's said something, hasn't she?!"
"Yeah, OK. She has, has it happens, and she also swears blind that you had a vasectomy. Infertile my arse."
Jim looked hurt and appalled. "God, Di. Do you think that I'd have had a vasectomy, then lied to you? I wanted a baby with you. Do you seriously think that I'd have risked been lumbered with that oaf?" Of course, he meant Kevin. "The only reason we're putting up with that worthless sack of crap is because I have no other choice. I'd have done without full stop, just be us two, but I wanted to make you happy, Di."
"That is our foster child you are calling a worthless sack of crap. You b*****d!" Di was seething by that point.
"I swear to you, Di. I love you. You're my whole world." He had the big guns out, which were his puppy-dog expression that he knew worked on Di every time.
Di looked to be softening. "It's just..."
Jim got back on topic, changing his expression to worried. "OK, so what's she said about Atkins?"
"Nothing, she just... she started going on about that it was you. She really had me going. She said she was a medium."
"Bloody hell, Di. How gullible are you?"
"She seemed so convincing! She seemed to know all sorts. She knew everything," Di defended.
"So, she's going around saying that I killed her?" Jim was very annoyed.
"...Yeah. I just don't understand."
"Di, what's to understand? She's a bloody nutter, and there are all sorts of ways of getting incriminating information with all this internet and what they have today."
"Yeah, you're right," Di sighed.
Jim put his arms around her and they hugged for a moment. "Di, there's no such thing as mediums, or psychics. They're all con merchants looking out for a sap. She probably wanted you to keep going back to her, so she could start charging you."

The next morning at about Eleven, Kevin insisted to Di that he wanted to buy a skateboard, so she agreed to take him shopping with her and Jim, then they could call in Toys 'R' Us and pick one up.
Just as they were getting into the car, Kevin quickly said, "I wanna sit in the front seat."
"That's where I sit," Jim commented.
Kevin scoffed, but then realised he was better off trying to win Di over, so he looked at her with a fake, sweet smile and fluttered his eye lashes. "Please."
Di was won over. "Oh, alright," she answered cheerfully.
Gullible bloody b***h, Jim cursed in his mind, before getting into the back seat.

Toys 'R' Us
Kevin rushed straight to the skateboards, whilst Di wondered off to look at baby toys, which suggested to Jim that there was something on her mind, so he followed.
"Di," He said to his wife, as she stood holding a miniature bear, stroking it with her thumb.
"I'm just browsing." She sounded bereaved.
Jim felt no remorse nor sympathy for his wife. Not a glimmer. He thought that maybe he should have. A thought flashed his mind, a moment of worry and question - is it honestly normal to lack these basic human feelings?
Well, Whatever it was, it was too late to turn back. Jim knew fully that he was hopelessly going down a destructive path and was already in too deep to start having regrets.
"Di, I thought you were OK. We've got Kevin."
Di huffed.
Suddenly, Jim was shocked at Di's mood change. Just when he thought that he was going along smoothly, she suddenly turned, hissing nastily, "Tell me the bloody truth - swear to me that you did not have a vasectomy."
"What's this about?" he asked innocently.
"You never wanted us to have a baby. That's why you did so s**t at the adoption agency, why you even did so s**t at the fostering agency that they ended up just giving us a fifteen year old that no other mug would even look twice at," Di continued to hiss.
"Di, why can't you believe me, and love me without listening to lies and malice? The Julies shouted their mouths off all the time and-"
"That is different," Di said abruptly. "Cons always like to go around s**t slinging. Shoot now, ask questions later. Anyway, I'm not talking about that. I just about believe you on that one ... but I'm really not sure about the vasectomy."
Jim looked deep into his half-pint-wife's eyes and lied, "I love you. I swear I'd never do a thing like that. If you can't trust me, then we'll call it quits."
"But this is just your bloody thing, isn't it? I already know you're a liar, so why not this?" She then pulled a box full of teddy bears off of the shelf and flung then at Jim, then started randomly picking toys from the shelves and throwing them at him, whilst cursing.
Everyone was staring and a member of staff came rushing over. "Excuse me," a young lad of about seventeen called. "I'm afraid you'll have to leave."
Di yelled to Jim, as she continued throwing toys, "See what you've done?!"
"What I've done?" Jim said, astounded.
"I'm getting security," the assistant added, before leaving the scene.
A moment later, two security guards came, followed by Kevin, who saw the commotion and screamed, "OH MY GOD! YOU'RE SO BLOODY EMBARRASSING! I HATE YOU!" By which point, the entire store was involved.

2 days later
No matter what Di tried, she couldn't block out her suspicions over her husband. She knew he had ran someone over dressed in drag just to frame Karen Betts and he was a champion liar, but she wasn't sure about just how much more extreme he could be. Yvonne Atkins was a totally different matter. If it was by any chance - god forbid - done deliberately, it had to have been one sadistic, twisted mind to be capable of such. None of the killers on G-wing were quite so sadistic and articulate with their works. Shell Dockley was capable of much evil, though wasn't in Larkhall. She was in a mad house somewhere, doped up to the eyeballs 24/7, and she had not the brains nor skill, plus Shell always targeted teenage girls and OAP's. Atkins would have swallowed her whole if she had even thought to do anything.
Natalie Buxton was the only person with the full package, but she wasn't even there at that time. Al McKenzie would have been a suspect once upon a time, but everyone had forgotten about the business with Virginia and the boot-gang and framing Yvonne. They were enemies once, but even then, Al wouldn't have gone that far.
Di had to face the truth. It would have had to have been Jim if it was murder. She had a strong idea that he'd had a vasectomy, which was compelling her more and more into going and paying Sacha a visit, as she still had her address written down and she needed answers. She couldn't go on another day without getting to the bottom of this case. At that moment, Di grabbed the car keys from the coffee table and headed out of the door. It was mid afternoon and she had blanked Kevin and Jim's arguing out all day long because she had been too deep in thought.

After an hour driving, Di came to the area where Sacha lived. It was pretty deserted, with trees and farmland everywhere, rather lonely. She continued, and the further along she got, the more dark and derelict the area seemed to get as she came onto a desolate winding road; more trees, dead looking and blocking the sun light. It was getting creepy, not just lonely, as the road seemed to get bumpier and more off the beaten track.
Eventually, Di came to a row of houses, each one at a distance from the other. She looked down at the piece of paper on her knee. The first house was deffinitely Sacha's.

Early evening
Jim and Kevin were sitting watching TV, as they waited for Di to come home. Jim had cracked open a bottle of vodka, swigging it straight from the bottle, getting drunk rather quick. He was sitting in the chair, whilst Kevin laid on the sofa. "Hey, Jim. Give me some."
"Get your own," Jim snapped.
"Oh, don't be selfish," Kevin moaned.
Jim continued drinking and watching TV.
"Oh come on!" .... "Please."
No response.
"Please daddy Jim, may I have a tiny bit?" Kevin waited for a moment for Jim to respond, but he didn't, so he began scoffing and grunting. "Deaf and thick!"
"You're not having any."
"That is so unfair! I hate you! Why can't you just bloody let me have a bit?" Kevin yelled, swinging his arms up and down, scoffing with his face contorted.
Jim stared daggers. "Get to bed, you little s**t," he growled.
Kevin contorted his face even more and kept scoffing and grunting louder and louder, rising Jim's temper. "No I bloody won't go to bed!"
"Piss off you little b*****d ... before I do something I'll truly regret."
Kevin flew onto his feet. "I HATE YOU!" he screamed.
Jim got up from the chair abruptly and stood in front of Kevin, up to his face and hissed, "Not as much as I hate you!"
"What...?" Kevin said, standing with his mouth wide open as to look shocked.
"Now get to bloody bed," Jim said casually.
Kevin just put his face right up to his and screamed, "NO!"
In a flash, that was it. Jim punched Kevin in the face, then quickly realising what he'd just done, he began grovelling. "Oh God, Kev. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I lost my temper."
"YOU B*****D!" Kevin screamed, seeming very hurt.
Jim kept his cool and his temper under control. "Look, er... just go to bed, and get something for that," he said, indicating the small bruise on Kevin's left cheek.
"I'm telling Di!" Kevin goaded.
"Jesus, Kev! I'm gonna bloody kill you. Please don't lay any s**t on Di. I said I'm sorry, alright...?"

"It is night-fall," Sacha said, quietly. "We had to wait until it was dark. Between midnight and two is best time."
All of the lights were switched off in Sacha's living room and numerous candles were displayed everywhere, and the coffee table was moved aside to make way for the oak dining table, which had strange patterns carved all over it as decoration. Everything in the room was weird and wonderful - the furniture, ornaments, pictures. Sacha even had incense and sage burning.
Di was a little freaked out at the large portrait of an eye that was on the wall, just opposite. The colouring was made up of green glitter, though it looked rather sinister, as though it was staring into her. Di could have sworn it was evil, with it's sharpness, combined with a black background. "Can we get on with this, Sacha?" Di asked, eager to get it over with. They were both sat facing each other at the small dining table, where the alphabet was neatly set out in a circle with a brandy glass in the centre.
"Put your hand on the glass," Sacha ordered to Di, who reluctantly did it. She wasn't sure why though. Her main issue was meant to be about the vasectomy, not Yvonne.
"Ask her a question," Sacha continued.
"Were you murdered?" Di asked shakily.
Nothing happened. Then the glass began to slowly move. Di wasn't pushing it, but she wondered if Sacha was. It spelled out YES. "Who?" Her voice trembled and she was clearly in a sweat. The glass slowly shifted to the letter F, then E, N, N again, E, and finally R. FENNER.
Di took her hand off of the glass quickly, feeling physically sick, then looking at Sacha very suspiciously.
"Don't look like that. I never pushed it," Sacha defended.
Di wondered for a moment, before cracking up. "JIM!" she wailed, before continuing to sob. "I need more proof," she managed.
"How much more proof do you need, woman?" Sacha snapped.
Di waited for Sacha to give her more, so she decided to do so, just to tie the loose ends once and for all. It would probably give Di a heart attack, but it needed doing. It was the only way to convince Di. "More proof, hmm...? Oh, I'll give you proof." And with that, Sacha threw her head back and gave a sinister laugh, before beginning the summoning. "Yvonne!" She called, in a sort of 'finger clicking' manner. "Show Di that you are here."
From nowhere, a vase flung right from one end of the room to the other with extreme force, completely shattering instantly. Di put her arms over her head, then looked horrified and confused. Panic set in and she screamed.
"Quiet, you foolish woman!" Sacha hissed.
"OK ... OK ... OK," Di gibbered, breathing heavily in a state of sheer panic. "Can you see her?"
"You bet I can."
***Rob Zombie - Acid Trip***
"SHOW YOURSELF!" Di screamed. Every candle began to flicker and the table shook rapidly. It escalated, as everything began to shake. The light fittings nearly fell from the ceiling and ornaments and books were flying off of their shelves.
Sacha stood up and ordered, "STOP!"
Di could have sworn that she saw Yvonne's ghost for a split second, and was particularly freaked out when Sacha seemed to be hearing her talking to her.
Sacha could see and hear the spirit perfectly. "What do you mean by show her?"
"Just make her see what that b*****d did to me!" Yvonne replied.
In a split moment, Di woke up in the hanging cell; terrified, forced to experience the ordeal as Yvonne: crying, clawing the wall, feeling every bit of pain and horror. The searing pain in her hands and fingers from clawing at the wall, nails ripped and gouged, bleeding. Every part of her ached badly and her throat and mouth felt like sand paper. Overall, Di had never experienced pain and suffering like it, as she was trapped in darkness, the battery of her torch dead.
*******
"Di!" She heard a voice call, before awaking, realizing she was still sitting at the table in Sacha's house. Sacha must have put her in some sort of trance.
"Oh thank god," Di gasped in relief.
"Hypnosis," Sacha grinned. "Works a treat. Do you see now?"
"Yes," Di sobbed, horrified by the idea that Yvonne had suffered that horrific ordeal for days. "Murdering b*****d!"
"I will give you the weapon to kill him," Sacha added.
"No! I can't."
"Have you forgotten already?! If not for Yvonne, then think about the vasectomy." Sacha was counting on the vasectomy to be enough to goad Di into killing Jim.
Di was too shaken and angered to respond, or think straight.
Sacha handed her a light bulb and said, "You will take this bulb and crush it into a fine powder and mix it into his food. You will not realize what you have done until he has finished eating and the light bulb has instilled it's power."

The next day at around lunch time, Di was preparing three separate meals, as to not get mixed up without looking suspicious - like cooking something for herself and Kevin and doing Jim something separate. Doing three separate meals would look much less suspicious.
She wrapped the light bulb up in a tea-towel and whacked it repeatedly with a meat hammer, then once it was powdered, she mixed it into a pie and put it in the oven.
"Di, what's all that banging?" Jim shouted from the living room. "Do you need a hand?"
"No! I'm fine!" Di replied.
Jim was concerned. Di had come home late last night and not said a word, and she was still odd. She hadn't batted an eye-lid and him and Kevin's fighting all day.
Jim got up and went to see Di in the kitchen and Kevin followed. "Di, are you alright? You usually go mad at us two."
"Uh! Yeah," Kevin laughed.
"I can't be arsed any more, Jim," Di said, zombie-like.

That afternoon, a couple of hours after everyone had eaten, Jim was beginning to have stomach cramps and was feeling rather unwell. "Oh, God, Di!" He groaned. "Ouch ... Oh. Help me, Di! I need an ambulance."
"You better have bloody cooked my meal properly," Kevin warned to Di. "If I end up in his state, I'm telling social services!"
"Just button it, Kevin," Di snapped. She was busy panicking over what Sacha had said. Di had just gone and poisoned her husband like Sacha had told her to without even thinking about what she was doing. It was like the creep had put her under some sort of mind controlling spell. She quickly went into the kitchen and got rid of any evidence of the powder.
There was only one thing for it, and that was to lie and play along, as there was no going back.

2 days later
Jim was looking a bit purple and had expanded slightly in size and was in quite a bit of pain and leaking blood. The doctors couldn't find what was wrong with him, so they referred him to hospital, where he was told that he had some sort of mystery illness, even after they ran tests.

By day three, Jim was gigantic and he was an unhealthy bright purple-blue. He was so swollen, he resembled a beach ball, though was a very similar colour to a blueberry. Kevin teased him day and night and called him "blueberry man." Di wasn't best pleased, but then the local kids called him it every time he went out and they would look through the window and shout stuff, so it was a losing battle.

Jim and Di were walking through town, unable to believe the ignorance and attitudes from the general public. Car drivers pipped their horns every ten seconds and people stared and some even shouted slurs.
They were on their way to buy new clothes, as Jim had already expanded out of the first lot. the blue track-suit he had on was busting at the seams. The colour it's self made him look ridiculous (trust Di to choose it).
Both of them walked into a shop called Phat Bhastard. It catered for some of the most obese men in the country.
They made their way to the male shop assistant. "Excuse me, do you have any triple large tracksuits?" Di asked.
The assistant looked at Jim and laughed in disbelief. "Bleedin' hell fire! Looks like someone can't resist your cooking," he chuckled to Di. "You two were only in here yesterday!"
Di got annoyed and defended, "Hey, you're here to do a job, not mock my poor husband."
The assistant then went off to the storage room to ask his boss if they had Jim's size. A moment later, he came back with the largest tracksuit they had: the biggest four Y he could find, though unfortunately, it was blue. "Save you a trip tomorrow," he smiled, slyly.
"Come on, Jim!" Di hissed. "And we're not ever coming back! We'll take our custom elsewhere."
The man laughed out loud and joked, "Good luck in finding somewhere, then."
Di sneered.
"It'll have to be a textiles shop ... because you'll have to make him his clothes yourself."
Di was defeated, so she just grabbed Jim and headed off back to the car after paying for the suit.
She quickly nipped into Boots and asked the woman behind the counter, "Have you got anything for my husband? He bleeds from his backside, quite badly. He's perfectly mobile though, so it's just the bleeding."
Sniggers followed, but the woman looked concerned. "Oh my..." She said, "We just have Tena Lady and diapers, but only the female ones. I'm very sorry. We'll try and get some in for next week. What size is he?"
"He's quite obese."
The woman breathed through her teeth awkwardly. "hmm... can't you just tie a bed sheet around him? It's only blood."
"Forget it," Di snapped. "God help any poorly men! As if it's only women who can get sick."
"Sorry," the assistant said.
Di stormed out.

The car park
Di began helping her husband onto the roof of the car, as he was too big to fit in through the doors. She had bought straps, so she could transport him around just like a new mattress; strapped down, lying on top of the roof.
"OK, let's get you fastened in," Di commented, as she began fastening his straps, making sure he was secured in place.
"Oh Di, this is humiliating."
People around were staring - a combination of sniggers and concern which caught Jim and Di's ears.
"Take a picture. Might last longer," Di said to them all. "My husband's already insecure."
One of the people mocked, "Well you'd better strap him in tighter then!"
Many burst out laughing.

On the motorway, a dopey Di was about to drive through a low-bridged tunnel. "TUNNEL!" Jim screamed.
Di panicked and slammed her breaks on, the whiplash causing her husband's straps to break, catapulting him forwards through the air, only just missing the tunnel's roof and flying straight into the darkness.

By late afternoon, Jim was in agony. He kept sneezing, coughing and even farting blood constantly.
He was lying on the sofa, wedged against the coffee table.
Kevin was baffled. "Have you been sneaking blueberry pies?"
"Piss off," Jim cried, weakly.

Day 5
"Oh, Jim," Di cried, as Jim was being taken out of the house on a stretcher, though halfway into the ambulance, his weight broke the front wheels and he rolled off. The paramedics chased him and then took him to the ambulance by hand, which took a while. The neighbours were out and the local kids were gathered around laughing like the inmates at Hollamby's anniversary party after they'd slipped her an ecstasy pill. The adults were more concerned than amused, though they did have to smile at the commotion.
"Oh, Jim," Di sobbed. She knew he was evil, but she couldn't help but feel guilty.
Kevin was dying to laugh, but was also concerned and freaked out. It was so tragically funny.
"We need to get him to the hospice," one of the paramedics shouted.

Later that day, Di was sitting by her husband's death bed at the hospice. He looked shocking. His ears were bleeding and he was crying tears of blood from the pain. He was hooked up to a life support machine.
"Oh, Jim! Look at you," Di cried.
He coughed up a little blood and gurgled, "I take it the locals still gossip?"
"The kids still shout stuff through the window and post blueberries through the letterbox."
Just then, a young boy ran past, shouting, "Have you baked him a blueberry pie?"
***Rob Zombie - How To Make A Moster***
Di knew exactly what Jim had done and how that cursed light bulb had ended up in his pie, but she was still finding it hard to come to terms with. She had loved him very much, once. Overwhelmed, she ran out of the door and out of the hospice and flagged down a taxi from the car park and headed off to Sacha's.
All the way there, she thought of how her husband was a double murderer who had killed one of his victims in the most horrific manner imaginable - and had also had a vasectomy behind her back.
The taxi driver came to the winding road surrounded by the same old, dead trees shadowing it. Di got out and paid the fare, as she thought it best to walk the rest of the way because of the awkward driving it would have made.
As the Taxi sped away, Di was beginning to have regrets as the scene got darker and more unwelcoming the further she went, scurrying along eager to get out of that part. But then again, what's the worst that could be lurking, watching her from the darkened trees? She had survived living, working and being married to Jim Fenner! All she had to worry about was her shoes.
*******

"OPEN THE DOOR, NOW!" Di screamed, as she brayed at Sacha's door. The door flew open. Sacha was standing there. "What are you playing at?" she growled.
"You've gotta undo the curse," Di pleaded, desperately.
"What?"
"You're the murderer here. Not me. I know he's only getting his comeuppance, but I don't want to be the one responsible for his death. It was you're doing." Di sounded distressed, pleading.
"It is too late. He has two hours."
"Please, just help me," Di continued to beg.
Sacha prepared the right thing to say, before explaining, "If I undo the curse, Yvonne will be on my back for the rest of my life, and yours. She will haunt me forever and come after us if I undo the curse now."
Di knew it was over. The clock was ticking, and she needed to say goodbye.
"Would you like a lift back to the hospice?" Sacha asked, as though she was reading Di's mind or something - or she'd read the papers.
"Yes, thanks," Di replied, seeming relieved.

The hospice
Sacha waited around outside, whilst Di paid her final respects to her husband (In sickness and in health and all that). She hadn't brought Kevin to visit him once, and had chosen not to bother bringing him for the final hours. By the time Sacha had driven Di to the supermarket to buy Jim a gift and then to the hospice, they were down to fifty minutes.
Di showed her husband the fruit, before slamming it down on the bedside table.
"Grapes?" Jim commented. "Aww, you shouldn't have." He was very weak and could only whisper and gurgle blood.
"They're blueberries," Di jeered. "I scrubbed your big fat, bloated body and scrubbed the blood from your four Y's, even though I knew you were a killer!" she hissed.
"Di?" Jim was confused by her venomousness. "Where's Kevin?"
"At home. I don't want our foster child being anywhere near a murderer."
"Di... I just wanted Betts done for drink driving. We sorted it out, Di."
"No! Not her. Atkins. You killed her ... Oh, and don't bother denying it. I know," she growled.
Jim looked pained and began acting all upset, but then what the hell...? He was dying anyway. A death bed confession might as well be a corker. "I didn't know what else to do Di." He choked for a moment. "She left me no choice."
"You had a choice. You could have let her leg it."
Jim could sense the fury in Di's voice, as she leaned closer. "Even killing her in a more normal way," she added. "You just wanted her to suffer, you evil b*****d!"
Di then reached over to the plug of Jim's life support machine and pondered for a moment. "No," she hesitated. "That would be too quick!"
Jim let out a spluttered laugh. "You'd be doing me a favour." He was showing arrogance, despite the situation.
Di walked away and headed off to find Sacha. When she found her, she was sitting waiting on a bench beside the building. "You got your last say?"
"He's still laughing," Di snapped.
Sacha threw her head back and gave a sinister grin. "We got twenty minutes," she laughed evilly, before heading inside, telling Di to stay at the bench.

Whilst inside, Sacha lied her way to Jim's room and got the escorting nurse to leave them to privacy.
"You think you got the last laugh, don't you?"
Jim was too weak to respond.
Sacha took a silver charm out of her pocket. It had a red gem in the middle of it and resembled the shape of an eye.
She put it in his hand and whispered, "Keep sake. Have a nice trip, Fenner." She then walked out laughing.
Not long after Sacha had walked out, Jim began jerking violently, the bed shattering under his swollen-colossal body. He could hear Yvonne haunting him: the screams, the clawing at the walls. He could see it flashing before his eyes - the finger nails digging into the wall, ripping as they made a horrendous sound, leaving trails of blood.
He tried to scream, only spluttering blood, terrified. The machine began to ring. Jim was dead.

The following day, Di drove Kevin back to the fostering agency where she had once gone with Jim to complete their happiness. But her dreams were crushed, all because some gypsy woman had come knocking one day and enlightened her regarding the true identity of her husband. Di would have been better off not knowing. It had been bliss, but now, everything was gone. She blamed Sacha. It was all her fault.
Di walked Kevin into the building and handed him to the social worker, after embracing him in a goodbye hug. Surprisingly, he hugged her back.
"Oh, Kevin. This isn't your fault. It's Jim's death."
"Don't cry over him, Di. He was a b*****d. He hit me, and a gypsy lady told me he did bad things. Very bad things."
Di wondered what the hell had gone on. Why didn't Kev tell me any of this? It was too late to start questioning Kevin, as there was no point, so Di just continued saying her goodbyes. "I know, love," she whispered.
"Why can't I stay with you?" Kevin asked.
"I haven't got a husband any more. I just wanted a happy family."
"You were the only one whose ever had patience with me. You've had more time for me than my real parents."
Di got emotional, before they broke off and she left and headed for home.

Later that day, Di was out shopping when she bumped into Sacha. She glared at Di from outside Asda with an arrogant smirk.
Di approached her and said, "Didn't expect to see you around."
"Hey. I never killed your husband."
"No, you just got me to do it."
"He was scum, Di."
"Says the Satanist b***h," Di sniped. "It was only a week ago - I had a life, I had a husband and we were perfectly happy with a foster son, then you came along and destroyed it all."
"You deserved to know the truth. I didn't ask you to come to my door for a summoning."
"You came knocking at my door first, then you told me everything, then gave me your address, so yeah... It is your fault."
"I will make sure you are haunted," Sacha grinned.
"Why?"
"I know about your old mother." Sacha then winked and added, "And I live for justice. Sleep tight tonight, Di," she smirked.

2am
Di was lying awake in bed and all she had heard since one O'clock was the furniture downstairs being thrown around. She knew it was supernatural, and not burglars because she could also hear the horrific screech of finger nails digging into brick-work and faint screams transmitting from the spiritual realm.

After a week, Di accepted that the house had become haunted. Furniture and objects would move on their own in front of her eyes and her nights were disrupted by the same clawing and screaming with furniture bumping around until dawn. She imagined that it was true that seances are bad news and that sitting with Sacha, joining her in ripping open the spirit world and messing around in the occult and all kinds of things she didn't understand had caused her to become cursed.

Di was being dragged along a corridor in a straight jacket, screaming what the doctors and police had translated as gibberish. The coppers had laughed at her when she tried to tell them about Sacha assisting her in killing Jim by hypnotising her and how Jim's sickness and death was no medical mystery, but down to a magic light bulb that the psychic medium had given her to mix in his food.
"I'm telling you, I crushed the magic bulb into a powder and fed him it in a pie! You've gotta believe me. Sacha Bartez the gypsy medium gave me it to kill him with! Yvonne Atkins's ghost put her up to it! She's a murderer and she put me under hypnosis and made me kill Jim for Yvonne!"
"Jesus. You'll have fun with this one," the doctor commented to one of the nurses. He gave a hysterical Di an injection, whilst the two female nurses held her down in the padded cell. The drugs kicked in and she began to drift away.
Di was sectioned for a very long time. In fact, she's still there to this day.

The idea is sufficiently plausible, in an attempt to account for the phenomenon, the sickness and the sentence of blood. I could no longer struggle, every moment threatened to be the last - there was pain, dizziness and profuse bleeding of the pores. How is this possible?
The transmission was transfusing. In a moment the sober eye of reasoning would detect a vibration in the flesh. Creeping, incoherent, bearing no mark of a human hand.

THE END
***Rob Zombie - Spookshow Baby***

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WARNING: Do NOT attempt to rein-act any of the stunts featured in this fan fiction at home.
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The ingestion of a light bulb will result in organ failure and eventually - death.