Gone from this life but not from my thoughts.

This is the life that my uncle lived. It is sad how his life was taken away. I hope he is in heaven.......

When I was a child, I had a best friend.

He told me lots of stories and my uncle he was.

he spoke in a Mexican accent and had never visited that country before.

Wise in his own way, knew life better than most.

 

He spoke of a story.

Of man who wanted to carry a lighter cross.

This cross was his troubles.  

 

He was given a chance to exchange his cross to a lighter one.

The man set his cross down and weighed every single one of the others.

None of them were as light as his.

He picked his cross up again and walked away amazed.

 

My uncle found love.

From that love he then created kids.

Problems soon arose.

His heart was torn to shreds.

 

Discipline was always by his side.

He was sober every Monday morning and

every Friday night would begin to drink nonstop.

He didn’t stop until Sunday night arrived.

Was sober Monday morning to begin work once again.

He drank his pains away every weekend until the end.

Week after week this was his life.

 

He was an alcoholic but one with knowledge and pride.

He lived a very happy life.

A plain life he lived but at the end a good life.

 

He would always surprise us with a present. 

A candy or anything he could provide.

He was always there when we needed him.

He loved his life and loved us.

 

I clenched my claws and snarl bared my fangs.

For, I had never felt so much pain in my life.

As when, he was gone from this life.

His nephew took his life away with a knife.

 

The reason, for his nephew’s doings are unknown to me to this day.

I hope you are in heaven, a place for your rest.

I hope your nephew pays with pain.

For the sin that he made, I will never forgive or forget.

Author's Note

I apologize in advance if my writing is not at the standards of most. As I have stated before. I am new in this site. If I made mistakes please let me know. I would like to become a better writer. Thanks and hope you like it.

Reviews

[A]

Oh wow! Your uncle sounds like quite the man. Even if he was an alcoholic it seems as though he knew when to not let it interfer with his general life. How he died is so tragic, so sad, and I coudln't imagine losing someone to murder. Exspeically if the murderer is a family member. This piece was so heartfelt and good. Great piece! :)

[WeekendWriter]

First, never apologize for 'being new'. And no matter how 'good' any of us get, there will always be someone with higher standards. You've taken the step to putting your emotions on 'paper' and that's more than many do. Writing is subjective, many of the worlds most famous writers have been rejected by dozens or more until their work fell into the right hands, hands that took them to places most of only dream of. So, no more apologies.

As for your work, when it comes to poetry, I am probably not the best one to ask. Fiction/novels is my passion and I know little about poetry. I could read something by Walt Whitman and honestly not like it if it doesn't hit a particular chord with me.

This poem I did like. It struck that chord. As for how it 'stands up' against other poems, you would want an opinion from a seasoned poet. When making requests for critiquing, you want to aim for other poets who will understand your work far better than someone like me. I can point out every grammatical mistake made, but for your prose.... I'm not the one to ask.

Keep writing, that is better than half the battle. Like with anything else in life, if you do it enough and listen to those who know the subject and are willing to help, you will improve. Best of luck to you....

In reading and in writing ~Kathy

[Taylor H.]

This is so sad...but thank you for sharing. Its upsetting but beautiful at the same time. Good job...

[Shannon]

A beautiful poem. The emotion behind each line was projected to me as the reader with such force it left me pining for the man who's life had been taking away. Some minor grammatical problems but nothing so severe as to affect the poems message.
Fantastic job and i look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

[Wunderlich]

This piece, at its core, is great. There are some grammar/syntax errors which I will try to correct (just to help you out, not because I'm a grammar Nazi :3). I'll just re-write what you've written with the grammar and s**t already put in there (anything in [] is a correction; anything in () is an alternate correction or a suggestion).

"When I was a child, I had a best friend.
He told me lots of stories and my uncle he was.
[He] spoke in a Mexican accent and had not visit[ed] (never visited) that country before.
Wise in his own way[,] knew life better than most."

"He was given a chance to [ex]change his cross for (to) a lighter one.
The man set his cross down and [weighed] every single one of the others.
None of them were as light as his.
He picked (up) his cross again and walked away amazed."

"My uncle found love.
From that love he then created kids.
Problem[s] soon arose.
His heart was torn to shreds."

"I clenched my claws and snarl (bared) my fangs.
For, I had never felt so much pain in my life.
As when, he was gone from this life.
His nephew took his life away with a knife."

"The reason, for his nephew’s doings are unknown to me [to] this day.
I hope you are in heaven, a place for your rest.
I hope your nephew pays with pain.
For the sin that he made, I will never forgive [or] forget."

It makes more sense to use the pronoun "he" rather than "who".

The verb "to visit" must be put in the past tense due to the helping verbs used with it. Instead of using "not" you can use "never".

A comma is needed to separate those two clauses.

It would make more sense to say "exchange his cross for a lighter one", but you could say "change his cross to a lighter one" (however, that means that he physically altered the cross so as to make it lighter, which is not what you're trying to convey, or at least that's how it seems).

The verb "to weigh" is more appropriate in this context than the verb "to weight" is because "to weigh" is to measure the weight of something, whereas "to weight" is to add weight to something ("to weigh" would make more sense in this context as he is weighing the crosses to find a lighter one, not weighting his current one (which would only make it heavier)).

The preposition "up works in conjunction with the verb "to pick". Saying "picked his cross" makes it sound as if he were picking the cross like it were cotton or some other crop one would pick. Saying "picked up his cross" signifies that he grabbed the cross and lifted it up to his person.

"To snarl" is to make a threatening sound, whereas "to bare" is to uncover something so as to show it.

Saying "until this day" would mean that you didn't know why his nephew did it, but this day you found out.

"Neither" doesn't work in this instance. Neither does "nor" (never, a negative modifier, applies to both "forgive" and "forget", so you can use the positive conjunction "or" to link "forgive" and "forget" together).

I hope this review helps you a bit with further writings (you're definitely a goof writer, you just need to get some grammar down). Good luck, dude.

[xXx]

I love the way you write with the words exchanging places in sentences. It is unique and flows nicely. I connected with your poem personally with myself as your uncle and my own nephews, how others have said they feel about me, their funny, generous uncle. Your connection is well conveyed here and has made this reader reflect. I am truly sorry for your loss and am SURE that he is in heaven. Please don't let your loving heart for your uncle become hardened with pain and hatred for the hand that took him away from you. Peace. Great Write!

[The Tea Party Mouse.]

It is best to remember the good times with someone who is gone. I am sorry for your loss. Everyone has a vice, I'm glad it never got in the way of your uncle's life. Good poem, tragic, but good.

[Simone]

That was trajic and very very sad. It mooved me deeply. Wonderfull discriptions. Great peice.

[fhamie]

it saddened me when i read it...i liked the story..impressive piece!

[Kelley]

This was a great poem! I really liked it.
Just need to work on the Stanza spacing .
It looks a little odd shaped.

[Erin_is_peace]

This poem is very impressive! I even shed a tear :) Your uncle seemed like a very wonderful man just broken. i would like to read more of your writing! :)