Answering Machine (At the Sound of the Tone)

Just writing down what we have to live with everyday; it drives me crazy!

ANSWERING MACHINE

(AT THE SOUND OF THE TONE)

 

"All of our operators are busy, right now;"

          Yeah, right, you don't even have any operators;

"If you know the extension of the party you wish to talk to, please, dial it now;"

          How would I know anyone's extension;

"Please, listen to the following message carefully, because our menu options have changed;"

          Why would I care that they changed;

          I don't know what they were before;

"If you wish to pay with a debit or credit card, please, dial one now;"

          You aren't getting a dime out of me, until I talk to someone;

"If you wish to check the balance due on your account, please, dial two now;"

          That's why I am calling, the balance is wrong now;

"If you wish to change the name or other information on the account, please, dial three now;"

          First off, I can't "dial" anything; I have a push-button phone;

"If you wish to make additions to your account, please, dial four now;

          No thanks; you are having a problem with what I have already;

"If you would like information regarding our services, please, dial five now;"

          I don't want any more damn services;

"If you wish to report an outage or a problem with your service, please, dial six now;"

          Oh, for God's sake;

"If you have a suggestion of how we might improve our service, please, dial seven now;"

          I suggest that you answer the phone;

"If you would like our location and business hours, please, dial eight now;"

          Yes, I could have driven there and been back home, by now;

"If you wish to suspend or cancel your service, please, dial nine now;"

          Your running out of numbers, you know;

"All other callers, please, stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order it was received;"

          Let me see, now, did any of those numbers apply to me;

 

BACH

 

"Thank you for your patience, while holding, one of our representatives will be with you, shortly"

          O'kay, I am putting down the phone and running to the toilet;

 

RACHMANINOFF

 

"To better serve you, please, select from the following menu options;"

          You got to be kidding me;

"If you would like to speak with a representative whom just starting working here today, please, dial one now;"

"If you would like to speak with a representative whom has been here since we opened and still doesn't have a clue, please, dial two now;"

"If you would like to speak with a representative that has such a heavy foreign accent that you can't understand them, please, dial three now;"

"If you would like to speak with a representative that is a disgruntled employee, please, dial four now;"

"If you would like to speak to our janitor, please, dial five now;"

"If you would like to speak with a representative who can not spell the name of our company, please, dial six now;"

"If you would like to speak with a representative whom is not in and leave a message, please, dial seven now;"

"If you would like to speak with a representative who used to work here and we forgot to turn their extension off, please, dial eight now;"

"If you would like to speak to the bum who came in to get warm, please, dial nine now;"

"All other callers, please, dial zero now and our operator will assist you;"

 

DIAL 0

 

          Alright, I think I might really be getting somewhere, now;

 

MOZART

 

"Customer Service; how may I assist you;"

          Customer Service?

          "I thought this was the operator's number; are you the

           operator?"

"No, Sir, this is Customer Service.  We do not have an operator, per se;"

          "You mean to tell me that I waited all this time and, finally,

          chose the operator and you don't have one;"

"Let me transfer you to the Complaint Department, sir;"

 

KENNY G?!

 

"You have reached the Complaint Department.  To better serve you, at the sound of the tone, please leave your name, telephone number, and the nature of your complaint; your call will be returned within three to five business days;"

 

TONE

 

          "At the sound of the tone, I hope your answering machine

          exploded;"

 

DIAL TONE

 

DIALING

 

          I can't wait to tell Mom about this;

 

RINGING

 

"You have reached your mother, at the sound of the tone. . .

 

DIAL TONE

 

Runner up

Aug 11, 2011

• Hilarious Poetry
• Answering Machine (At the Sound of the Tone)

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Written for my mother whom, recently, lost her job as an operator to an answering machine.

Reviews

[Dane Osborne]

I greatly enjoyed this Christina. It makes me think of how through the extension of technology we lose a part of our humanity. Ever read/heard of "The Idiot" By Dostoyevsky?, in it there is a scene where a character(Some guy with typical long hard to prounouce russian name) gives his interpretation of the apocalypse. He says that as society advances and becomes industrialized then we will all begin to lose touch with each other in ways because technology will do all the work humans once had to work together to do and as time went on we will be seperate and indifferent to each other. Looking at things today with that perspective it doesn't seem far from the truth. Kudos:)

[Chris]

This was appreciatively EVIL...LOL

Well done!
Chris

[Ruth]

This is excellent love! A powerful write! Tecnology shall be the demise of a lot of jobs! Scary really!
Great work
xx

[Ladysue]

This was made laugh. It is so frustration to go through and you captured that with humor. nicely done...

[Eric Cox]

Very frustrating. This is a cool humorous write. Nicely done!

Ghost (Eric Cox)

[Jenny Nelson]

LOL!!! and AMEN! Ain't that the absolute and maddening truth?! Hope your mom is able to soon find another job, though. Very clever. Loved it.

[Sean Allen]

Every car has to have air bags, every phone should have a "Just answer the stupid phone" button. By the way, I recently contacted the US Government Social Security office and they had the best automated phone system I ever used. Too bad we are about to wreck it!

[ashley]

OMG this was hilarious!!! This is exactly what it feels like.
""If you would like to speak with a representative that has such a heavy foreign accent that you can't understand them, please, dial three now;"

"If you would like to speak with a representative that is a disgruntled employee, please, dial four now;"

"If you would like to speak to our janitor, please, dial five now;""

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! you get 100 for this :D

[Poeticpiers]

too damn true to be funny. Thats why I use E mail